‘American Idol’ Deathwatch: Just Die Already

If you asked me before I got on the Internet this morning who the current hosts of American Idol are, I would have guessed 50 Cent, Kim Kardashian and a Hanson brother, with Colin Meloy filling the Ryan Seacrest role. Turns out, though, that Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are on it now? And some white guy sits between them? (For real: do not attempt to explain to me who that guy is.)

Thing is, the ratings for this season so far are bad: Entertainment Weekly points out that viewership of the premiere dropped 19% from the last season-opener, and apparently the show’s numbers have been plunging since 2008. 2008! That is five whole years of a televisual juggernaut sliding into pop cultural irrelevance. In fairness, I guess The Simpsons is still on.

But if I’m not watching it—never did—and you people aren’t watching it either, then just who are these last 16.2 million American Idolwatchers? When are they going to stop getting in the way of progress, by which I mean Fox freeing up its schedule for some reruns of When Animals Attack!? Stop being selfish. You’ve had your fun laughing at crappy, deluded singers. Why not criticize yourself instead?

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‘American Idol’ Judges Revealed: Nicki Minaj, Keith Urban, Mariah & Randy

Ryan Seacrest tweeted the next panel of American Idol judges just an hour ago and it’s filled with one or two surprises: Nicki Minaj, Keith Urban, Mariah Carey and Randy Jackson. I guess Nicki Minaj’s contract with Pepsi  didn’t keep her off Idol after all.

Everybody knew Mariah would be joining Randy on the cast and rumors of Nicki Minaj and Keith Urban had been circulating through the late summer. But so many other names were up in the air — Nick Jonas, Aretha Franklin, Alanis Morrisette, Kanye West , P. Diddy — that it felt like casting rumors for the 50 Shades Of Grey movie: literally everyone is up for it.

None of these judges are particularly impressive, although I don’t doubt Nicki Minaj will make great TV. But at least American Idol will have one thing over X-Factor judges Britney Spears and Demi Lovato: you can’t really accuse Mariah or Nicki of abusing autotune