Summer is the time for barbecues, boat rides, and of course, birthdays. In fact, some of our most beloved stars are celebrating monumental milestones this season. Haven’t done your shopping yet? Here is a brief list of gift suggestions for fans and friends of these household names. Mrs. First Lady, if you’re reading this, we don’t mean any disrespect!
Sue Johanson (7/29/30) – Even though 81 isn’t a milestone birthday, Sue definitely deserves a worthy present after all the advice she has doled out over the years. And now that she is retired, she must have endless amounts of time to devote to pleasure, lust, and other old-age activities. Though nothing can faze this octogenarian, the Love is Art Kit will at least spice things up. Sue will be able to immortalize her passion for sex eternally. And then hang it over her mantelpiece.
Martha Stewart (8/3/41) – Martha turns 70 this year. This domestic diva has everything she could ever want, except for maybe those five months back in 2004 when she served a sentence at the West Virginia federal prison for illegal stock sale, obstruction of justice, and conspiracy. Just because we are so thankful for her no-bake dessert recipes and her outdoor Halloween decoration ideas, we’d be willing to pretend that the ImClone Systems stock scandal never happened – hell, every other Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia fan forgot instantly.
Barack Obama (8/4/61) – The POTUS is about to turn the big 5-0, and hopefully the current debt crisis is the only midlife crisis he has on tap. The stresses of the presidency have certainly taken their toll on Obama, as evidenced by his hair, which is rapidly becoming more salt than pepper. Thus, we suggest Michelle tactfully present some Just for Men hair-dye to the prez – then, if things don’t work out for him during the 2012 election, at least he will be able to look great on the cover of GQ. Again.
Jennifer Lawrence (8/15/90) – Rising star Jennifer is almost legally able to carouse. Because of her upcoming 2012 film, The Hunger Games – a science fiction story about a girl living in Panem, a country where North America once existed – we thought a bottle of absinthe would be a fitting gift. The green fairy is definitely strong enough to carry her away from her post-apocalyptic troubles, and a great way to celebrate her new of-age status!
Keke Palmer (8/26/93) – Keke has been crooning about ‘Bottoms Up’ for years now, so it may come as a bit of a surprise that she is only just about to turn 18. No matter, though. For Keke, we would give her what every 18-year-old girl in the class of 2011 wishes she had received – a college acceptance letter. You’re welcome!
Rachel Zoe (9/1/71) – The glamour guru(/witch) is about to turn 39.9, if you know what I mean. A Whole Foods gift card to catalyze some minor level of consumption is what she needs. That, or marriage counseling, for poor Roger’s sake.
As a fallback, a good old bottle of booze would suit any of these stars. Except, of course, for Keke. That’s illegal.