So the biggest news story yesterday—and what, much to Tyler Coates’s dismay—will be one of the biggest news stories of the next year or so, was the announcement that Prince William and Princess Catherine are expecting a new little prince or princess to join the crazy sideshow of crazy that is the British Royal Family. With the announcement of the new little human tourist attraction will eventually come extensive media coverage that will all ultimately be pretty boring. Here, we have some suggestions for how to make the Royal Baby narrative just a bit more interesting:
* Secret underground lair of paparazzi specifically gearing up to snap those baby photos as soon as possible and effectively hound the royal family into nonexistence uncovered.
* Pippa Middleton, somewhat irked that her sister is getting so much attention basically for just doing her job, decides to focus her energy into studying foreign and economic policy. Luckily, she is a quick study and after just a few strategy sessions with international diplomats, Pippa Middleton almost singlehandedly stabilizes the Eurozone and preventing further economic turmoil. She becomes TIME Person of the Year and calls her sister when she gets the news to say, "You’ve just been PIPPA’d!" She also starts dating a member of One Direction, just because she can.
* Prince Harry, somewhat irked that his brother is getting so much attention basically for just doing his job and inspired by a movie he just saw for the first time, hatches a plan to seize the throne involving staging a wildebeest stampede, destroying his older brother and exiling his offspring from the Pridelands.
* Newsweek releases another tacky Photoshopped cover of Princess Diana returning from beyond the graaaaaave. (Of course now, it’ll be a digital cover.
* The Royal Birth becomes a live, televised event that Kate and Wills-obsessed Yanks wake up at stupid o’clock to watch, mimosas in hand. The event is topped off with an exuberant concert at Wembley Stadium, during which the newborn is parachuted in by RAF helicopter, being held by Special Guest Star Idris Elba.
* Wills and Kate’s child eventually grows up and marries Mason Disick, officially making Scott Disick an earl or a duke or a viscount or something. This would be particularly fitting, considering that the Kardashians are kind of the closest thing America has to a royal family—they’re insanely wealthy, disproportionately influential and despite not being particularly interesting, we somehow maintain a national interest in them.
* Based on his prior service to Queen and country, Sean Bean becomes named official protector of the Royal Baby. Somehow, he is killed almost immediately via freak accident in the line of duty.