Newsstands To Censor Fully-Clothed Cosmo Covers, Of Course Shirtless Men’s Magazines Still Fine

Cosmo

Justin Bieber can flex his tits on the cover of Men’s Health, but advocacy groups want to censor Sarah Jessica Parker on the cover of Cosmo because it’s “pornographic”. 

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation just made a big coup for themselves: getting Rite Aid and Delhaize America (owners of Hannaford Stores and Food Lion) to put blinders on future issues of Cosmopolitan.

The Hearst publication has endured loads of criticism throughout the years, from sexism to racism to advocating really, really terrible things to do with a glazed donut, but now it’s being likened to the most taboo form of print media: pornography.  

That’s a little far-fetched, and a little sexist. Despite how explicit its language is or how much of a woman’s breasts they can expose on their covers (and, as you can see above, it’s a lot), it’s not Playboy. There’s no real graphic content that would qualify it as pornography, and ever since Joanna Coles took the helm of the woman’s magazine, there’s been a shift to more empowering content (Sarah Jessica Parker saying she’s not a feminist in the latest issue notwithstanding).

There’s something decidedly similar about this to Instagram’s policy of censoring pics of women’s nipples; men’s magazines never get this amount of scrutiny, even though they’re chock full of explicit content, like sex advice from male escorts, the right way to refer to having sex with breasts, and Amy Schumer performing fellatio on a lightsaber. If the NCES isn’t going after those magazines, we say, #FreeTheNipple. 

The real clincher is this campaign against Cosmo was spearheaded by someone very close to home—Victoria Hearst, sister of Patty Hearst and granddaughter of William Randall Hearst, founder of Hearst Publications. Hearst, a born-again Christian, assured this had nothing to do with a family feud or was vindictive in any way by saying,

“We’re not trying to censor Cosmo. We’re not trying to put it out of business. All we’re saying is, you want to print pornography, I can’t stop you.”

Of course she continued by stating, “If I was queen of the Hearst Corporation, this magazine would no longer exist, and the editor in chief and all the people there would be on unemployment.” which, you know, still makes us think there’s a bit of bad blood in the Hearst family. 

Pornstar Linda Lovelace’s Talents at the Museum of Sex

Porn makes me… uncomfortable. The Museum of Sex (233 Fifth Avenue) makes me… uncomfortable. I guess it’s a generational thing. My youth was spent pining for Ursula Andress, the original Bond girl. Ursula in a bikini was as close as I got to seeing a naked girl. Portnoy’s Complaint was as risqué as my Wonderbread years got. I made up for lost time later on but still… porn makes me uncomfortable.

Walking into “The Eve of Porn: Linda Lovelace” opening last night at the Museum of Sex, I was stunned by the eight foot head of Linda giving head. Over and over again she went up and down in a 35mm loop as the Deep Throat actress showed the flair and enthusiasm that made her a legend. I tried small talk with other guests but alas my mind was elsewhere. Legs McNeil – author of the genius tome “Please Kill Me” – guest listed me. He has a part in this because he has a documentary coming out called “Linda Lovelace’s Loose Lips”. There are stunning photos of Linda by Milton H. Greene who is a celebrated photographer due in part to his “Black Sitting” images of Marilyn Monroe.

The story of Linda Lovelace, her rise to celebrity, her troubles, her trials, her unrighteous path, is all there on white walls with adjacent background stories. The tales of her ups and downs punctuated by her giant head doing just that brought out a smart set. An original 35 mm reel of Deep Throat bought on eBay for $200 was hidden behind glass while Linda Lovelace photographs and a brief history of her role in the beginning of the multi-billion dollar modern porn industry was laid bare. There was Linda warts, scars and all. She seemed more naked, more exposed, more used than ever. I headed into the night feeling uncomfortable about it all.

Tonight the wonderful gentleman/DJ/man about town/bon vivant Ian El Dorado will be doing what he does at Black and White (86 E. 10th Street). It’s his birthday and the beautiful weather should keep the creeps away. Figures to be a great party for rock gods and goddesses. Pacha just celebrated its 8th anniversary, and Dirty South performed. Pacha is still crazy after all these years. Congrats to Eddie Dean, Rob Fernandez and the Pacha family. This weekend they have Cosmic Gate on Friday, and Sunnery James and Ryan Marciano early Saturday, followed by a 4 a.m. start for the incredible Pete Tong with special guest Reboot.

Being Miss Delaware Teen USA Is Worse Than Being In Porn

Calling this one like I see it: how dare you condemn this poor teenage girl, Melissa King, for appearing in a pornographic film when you were only too happy to ogle her in a tiara and swimsuit? Fuck a country where sex movies are bad but girls need to have lots and lots of prettiness contests.

Honestly, what is the rationale for “de-throning” someone who was never royalty in the first place? Do you really think you’re better than the porn industry, beauty pageant industry? At least porn has the decency to admit it’s built on the backs of amateurs and screws everyone over. Meanwhile three-year-olds are wearing dentures so they can have that perfect smile and you make them pay for the privilege of treading your filthy middle-school auditorium stages.

How about we stop pretending there are any moral distinctions to be made here and just go with a Miss Porn USA contest. Or would that be too real for you, America? Since it’s somehow crossing a line when a lady uses her body for something other than a sash-holder. Quit freaking out like an autistic virgin and embrace the world’s smuttiness already—this is getting awkward.   

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

Vivid Casting Lindsay Lohan Lookalike For Inevitable ‘The Canyons’ Porn Spoof

What I really want to know is if James Deen will reprise his role.

 

Vivid Entertainment is on the hunt for Lindsay Lohan lookalikes — redheads with leathery skin and lips full of injectibles? — for their inevitable porn spoof of her forthcoming film, The Canyons. Vivid is ardently pursuing Deen for the spoof, via a public letter which reads: 

It would be a first in parodies … the actual star of a mainstream movie also starring in an X-Rated version of that same movie! How cool is that?

Vivid may want to consider LiLo herself to reprise her role, too. Lord knows she is hard up for cash these days if she’s borrowing money from Charlie Sheen and asking Lady Gaga to spot her some cash.  

No word on whether Bret Easton Ellis, who penned The Canyons, will be recruited to write the script. Not that there will be much talking. 

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

Octomom Somehow Manages To Get Nominated For 4 AVN Awards

By all accounts, "Octomom" Nadya Suleman’s "solo" porn (that’s a polite way of saying "masturbation" porn) was awkward and disgusting. But Octomom: Home Alone has nevertheless been nominated for four different AVN Awards … which are like the porn industry’s Oscars.

According to Huffington Post, Suleman is up for Best Celebrity Sex Tape (come on now), Best Solo Release, Best DVD Extras, and Best Marketing Campaign. If by "marketing campaign" they meant "everyone in the country heard about her new porn career and felt terrible for her 14 kids and wondered why they have not been taken away by the child welfare services," then yes! It was the best in the country! 

I guess there was no Masturbating Topless Surrounded By Baby Onesies category?

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

I Have 26 Mutual Facebook Friends With A Gay Porn Star

If you’re not a gay man, you may not know who Colby Keller is. To get you up to speed: he has sex with other men on camera. That’s cool! No judgies! He’s also got a popular blog (NSFW, obvs) and is pretty popular among all walks of gay dudes. I mean, he’s hot, so it’s certainly understandable! Usually guys like Colby Keller fall into a category I refer to as “Real World hot.” Not like, the real world, but The Real World. The guys are on that show are insanely buff and only exist, at least in my eyes, on The Real World. (Or, you know, in gay porn.)

So imagine my surprise when he popped up unexpectedly in my Facebook feed today. I mean, again, I’m not really complaining. But the concept that he is a real person is so foreign to me, because I’m not generally in the same social circles as porn stars. Sure, Facebook once suggested that I might know comedian and SNL writer John Mulaney, but that seemed more legit because he’s a comedian, and they’re basically normal people with neuroses and problems just like me! And yeah, once Facebook suggested Wallace Shawn, but I figured that was more of weird look into my personality. (I really like Wallace Shawn.)

Anyway. I clicked over to Colby Keller’s Facebook page (why not?) and saw that we have a lot of mutual friends. Twenty-six of them! And it made me wonder: are people just going around adding their favorite pornographic actors as their friends. I mean, I suppose it’s not so crazy, as they seem to be doing the same thing with bloggers. (Of our 26 mutual friends? I only actually know nine of them.) What a crazy world in which we live, where “friendship” means so little! And possibly so much!

So here I am, wondering, “Should I add Colby Keller as a friend?” How would one go about doing so? Just by clicking “Add Friend” and hoping he says yes? Or should I put a more personal spin on it and send a message, too? “Hey bud, I’ve seen your butthole and I bet we like some of the same movies or something. Poke me sometime! LOL!”

Follow Tyler Coates on Twitter.

L.A. Porn Stars Must Now Use Condoms

Surprise! Amid all the election returns, you may have missed this stunning result: Los Angeles just made condoms mandatory for the city’s (unfathomably large) adult film industry. Onward, you safe-sexing stallions; no longer will viewers be forced to imagine the transmission of STDs in every scene of explicit penetration. That’s if anyone is still watching.

Local porn stars had protested Measure B, intended to prevent the spread of HIV, by saying their own rigorous tests and screening were enough, and that condoms would ruin their product, resulting in a huge financial loss for the city. Voters, however, were unconvinced:

Nearly 56 percent of LA County voters voted in favor of Measure B, which requires all porn actors to wear a condom and producers to get a permit to shoot raunchy scenes, according to the LA County Registrar’s Office.

The permit fee would pay for inspectors to randomly check porn shoots to ensure all the actors are using protection while working.

I think America just invented a new saddest job: porn set condom-checker. Pretty soon we’re going to need a movie about that guy. Let’s shoot for a regular ‘R’ rating, though—getting that raunch permit is a pain in the ass. 

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

You Guys Ever Watch Pornography And Think, That’s Just Sex I’ve Already Had?

It’s a feeling difficult to put my finger on: some uncanny subset of déjà vu, like you’ve caught yourself masturbating to a lost memory. “Oh, so-and-so used to do it like that,” you may think of some technical gesture or other. The sounds can be familiar, too. And surely we’ve all run across porn stars that bear a passing resemblance to an old flame. You haven’t? Okay, shut up.

Look, I don’t know, I’m just getting metaphysical about porn here. For something that purports to be an escapist pleasure—an opportunity to glimpse otherwise unattainable extremes of body and behavior—I find myself more and more pulled back into a haze of my own past experience. Either that or I’m remembering porn I watched years ago as my own life. I’d say porn is life, but I’m married and would get in trouble. (Honey, let me know if I forgot to Clear History again.)

Maybe porn stars are less dead-eyed than they used to be. Could they be enjoying themselves, that meaty slapping-together they do, those pitifully improvised set-ups? Or perhaps I’m gravitating to the more naturalistic, amateur side of the industry. Real people, real sex. But surely it isn’t me in these videos, is it? I would recognize myself. I’d at least remember being taped by a third party. Unless they did it in secret. I do like to leave the curtains open. And the front door. Don’t bother knocking. 

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

Vivid Offers Prince Harry $10 Million For Porno

Wherever there is a celebrity in a compromising position, Vivid Entertainment is not far behind. The porn giant is offering renowned nudist Prince Harry a cool $10 million to appear in a porno called The Trouble With Harry, starring "little Harry," "the crown jewels," and a bevy of Vivid women. Who, lets be honest, are probably his type.

In a letter to Harry printed on E!, Vivid’s CEO writes:

"Dear Royal Sir, [Question: Is that the way princes are really addressed?]

We were amused and pleased by the photos of your recent frolic in Las Vegas. What happens there rarely stays there, unfortunately." We would like to offer you the opportunity to truly become the coolest Prince of all time, by starring in a fun, sexy, big-budget adult film called ‘The Trouble with Harry.’ It can be shot in the locale of your choice, and will bring together your exciting Royal world and our thrilling world of beautiful women! Of course ‘little Harry’ will make an appearance too, but we assure you the sex will be well scripted, and the Crown Jewels will not be ‘minimized’ in any way."

Harry, give porn a thought! This is an offer of $5 million more than Pippa Middleton was offered to bare her infamous bum! Cross-dressing brother James Middleton was only offered $1 million — the same amount as Octomom Nadya Suleman. And Vivid’s generous amount is $9 million more than Prince Hot Ginge was offered to bare all in Playgirl magazine.

It’s an offer to be seriously considered. There’s only so many nude-and-Nazi antics before someone should expect to be written out of the will.