Pope Francis Guards the Velvet Ropes

Social media was abuzz with word that the cool new Pope Francis worked as a bouncer in a Buenos Aires nightclub before he went on to greater glory. He did lots of odd jobs like sweeping floors and teaching and such. He had a girlfriend too. The news was covered broadly, with New York Magazine doing a terrific spoof. A number of notable tweets circulated:

The Pope tweets himself, via @Pontifex. He has me paying close attention as he really does impress me every week. I guess the question is what can I do to impress him? Hmm. I wonder what the big egos in nightlife are thinking? Things like “If a bouncer can be Pope then I surely can be…” You fill in the blank.

I am reading all about Pope Francis, how he wears sensible, used, comfortable, black shoes instead of the famous slippers provided for other popes. He dresses like a simple priest. He traveled to the 2005 Conclave in economy class. It goes on and on and I hope (and pray) he does to.

There are many other bouncers who went on to bigger things, notably Vin Diesel, Mr. T, Jean Claude Van Damme, James Gandolfini, Alec Baldwin, Dolph Lundgren and Vincent D’onofrio. The nightclub/bar biz was a stepping-stone for ex-cocktail waitress Sandra Bullock and barkeeps Bruce Willis and Ellen Degeneres. Lady Gaga, Anna Nicole Smith, Brad Pitt, Javier Bardem, Eve, Amber Rose, Diablo Cody, Courtney Love, Channing Tatum and even Renee Zellweger all took to exotic dancing while they got their acts together.

Getting out of the strip club life and the nightlife is a difficult task. I always advise an exit strategy for those deeply in it. For some the rewards are millions, world travel, hob-knobbing with the best folks, but for many it is a job that supports them better than say, retail, as they get their acts together. Actors, students, artists, and dancers toil at night and hone their trade during the day. At one point many abandon their dreams and find themselves just a bartender or just a cocktail waitron. There is nothing wrong with that, but it’s a young person’s business and the expiration date usually times itself to when they need the job most. It’s hard to find viable work in the biz as you age. Some become managers and some even owners. The new pope with his bouncer past brings hope that greater good can be found.

Atheists Can Go To Heaven, New Pope Says

We’re still a little flabbergasted by this—we did just dispense with the Nazi Pope, after all—but apparently it’s not a mistranslation: Pope Francis (first of his name!) just told the world that even atheists are redeemed by Jesus Christ if they do good in this life. So you’re saying I had to wear a white Colonel Sanders suit to get first communion for nothing?

All your prayers were moot! There’s actually no reason to sing hymns! Pope Francis even cited the Gospel of Mark to make his point—take that, fundamentalists. Between this comment and his earlier remarks condemning a global culture of money that precludes compassion for the poor, he is really angling to make some conservative heads explode. For that, we must salute him.

But I’m also really enjoying this idea that people can be redeemed almost against their will. Take someone like Ricky Gervais, who’s completely obnoxious in his atheism but gives millions to charity—how mad would he be to find out that heaven exists and he has to hang out there with the devoutly religious for eternity? Jesus saves whether you like it or not, I guess. And if you don’t, better cook up some evil deeds.   

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Photo: The Independent