It’s Time for a Canadian Pope

No word on whether Pope Benedict XVI will keep his Twitter account going when he officially steps down at the end of this month, but all in all we seem to have heard the last from this weirdo. Let the reign of an entirely new weirdo begin! May I suggest a Canadian one?

Specifically, Cardinal Marc Ouellet of Quebec, considered by betting houses to be a number two pick for papal succession, behind Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana, who would be the first black pope and therefore probably known here in the states as Pope Obama. Let’s get real, though: the Vatican only recently acknowledged heliocentricity—it’ll be a while before they get to the existence of non-Caucasians.

We do, however, have the opportunity to shift the seat of Catholic power westward. As pope, Ouellet could teach the world “aboot” Christ’s love, organize the Holy See’s ragtag hockey team, make moose chili for church potluck dinners and give up poutine for Lent. It’s high time someone ran this religion like the extra-bigoted branch of the Boy Scouts it is, don’t you think?

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The Seven People Pope Benedict XVI Follows On Twitter

Pope Benedict XVI just got a Twitter account—@Pontifex. Finally! And not tweeting a single thing so far has netted His Naziness Holiness well upwards of 100,000 followers. Dat’s alotta Catholics! Or people who find Catholicism funny (overlap: 70%). Since the digital world has been so keen to welcome Benny to their shores, might we check out the seven people he bothered to follow back?

1. @Pontifex_de: This is also the Pope, but in German! Makes sense. That’s where he’s from, we hear.

2. @Pontifex_es: ¡AY CARAMBA! The Pope en español! Again, just the main Pope Twitter feed in a different language, with added soap opera melodrama.

3. @Pontifex_pt: Almost certainly the best thing about this Portuguese version (hello Brazil!) is that here the Pope goes by “Papa Bento.”

4. @Pontifex_pl: The Polish edition, no doubt a tribute to Pope John Paul II. Will presumably have the Pope’s many, many Polish jokes edited out.

5. @Pontifex_it: Does Italy really need this? I thought the Pope just stood out on his balcony with a microphone when he wanted to talk to Italians.

6. @Pontifex_fr: France’s Pope Benoît XVI posts here. No word yet on whether Pope Benedict will excommunicate Benoît for blasphemy, or what this apparent schism means for the church.

7. @Pontifex_ar: JUST IN CASE THE ARABIC-SPEAKING NATIONS START TAKING JESUS A BIT MORE SERIOUSLY, FINGERS CROSSED.

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