A New Thing to Hate Lena Dunham For: She Forgot to Vote

Remember when Lena Dunham made that controversial ad for the Obama campaign in which she compared to voting for the first time to losing her virginity? Yeah, that was a wise choice. As it turns out, she probably did actually vote for Obama back in 2008 (even though she was already 18 in 2004 and did not, apparently, vote for either John Kerry or George W. Bush). Last November, however, a Brooklyn-registered voter named Lena Dunham did not cast a ballot. Everyone is in an uproar, per usual, especially because she claimed she did

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NY Times Wins ‘Least Relevant Blog Post On Inauguration Day’ Award

As I type this, Obama has not yet begun to speak, so I’m sure we’ve yet to see some astoundingly terrible analysis on what percent grayer the president’s hair is as compared against photos from four years ago, BUT: as of right now, this is the only hilariously contentless update you need.

At 10:58, New York Times reporter Ashley Parker, whom you really have to sympathize with because who wants to be forced to file such things, gave us this headline: “‘Girls’ Star Allison Williams, Front And Center.” YES. Someone from a TV show that’s been getting Googled a lot the past two weeks is present. And her dad’s a news anchor? Still? THIS STORY HAS EVERYTHING.

Williams was gracious enough to chat with fans, and in so doing

took a minute to ponder a question she called “impossible to answer,” with a laugh — Which is more exciting: today’s inaugural festivities or the recent Golden Globe win for “Girls”? “They’re such different kinds of excitement,” she said.

THAT QUESTION IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE TO ANSWER. The correct response is "the inauguration," good god. No need to resort to the apples-and-oranges defense, Williams. We’re not reading the news to get a sense of your abstract reasoning, though if we were I believe this qualifies as cause for concern?  

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Gun, White House Petition Enthusiasts Want To Deport Piers Morgan For Gun Control Stance

British talking head and TV personality Piers Morgan is kind of annoying. So annoying that I don’t even bother to watch his show! (That’s right—sometimes people bother me so much that I don’t even hate-watch them. You should try it, people who hate Fox News but watch Fox News. I know it’s a revolutionary idea, but honestly? It keeps your blood pressure down.) I’m not the only one who finds Morgan to be a pest with access to TV cameras and an audience, as there’s currently a petition on the White House’s We The People site calling for Morgan to be deported because he’s in favor of gun control.

What’s more exciting? A couple thousand nuts have signed the thing, which reads:

British Citizen and CNN television host Piers Morgan is engaged in a hostile attack against the U.S. Constitution by targeting the Second Amendment. We demand that Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network television host to stage attacks against the rights of American citizens.

Of course, nothing will happen to Piers Morgan, as I’m sure the folks over at the White House probably have bigger things to think about this week. Like Christmas! And also Morgan happens to have the correct opinion about gun control. YEAH, I SAID IT, GUN OWNERS. Go ahead: try to deport me. (Haha, you can’t, because of first amendment stuff, ya dummies.)

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Bloomberg To Hillary Clinton: “All This Will One Day Be Yours”

New York mayor-for-nearly-life Michael Bloomberg, the Times confirmed yesterday, encouraged secretary of state Hillary Clinton, who is departing her current post, to run for his position in 2013, insisting that she’d be ideal in the role. Hillary, in rebuffing that advice (threat? offer to pay for a coronation ceremony?) set in motion a Shakespearean political drama.

Because as Hill Clinton “retires” to upstate New York—or maybe Clinton Hill, if she feels like making things extra confusing—Bloomberg will continue to look for someone to back as his successor better than the “Christine C. Quinn, the City Council speaker, who cleared a path for his third term by backing a change to the city’s term-limit law.” That kind of dynasty looks pretty shady, no? So he’ll be getting Macbeth-level desperate to secure his legacy and continued power.

Meanwhile, Hillary will be plotting her 2016 run for president on the tail end of Obama’s miraculous economic recovery and realize that she’s going up against Jeb Bush. Who the fuck needs to go to war with the rival clansmen again? At the eleventh hour, the Clintons ride into Manhattan to Bloomberg’s rescue. Together the three of them rule the islands of New York as a sovereign state, a Vatican City of neoliberalism. Heck, they might even decriminalize big sodas. 

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Gaming Today’s Obama-Romney Lunch

You’re likely aware that this afternoon—perhaps even as you’re read this—President Obama and the vanquished fragment of corporate software that calls itself Mitt Romney are sitting down to lunch in the White House together. With the Tea Party’s plans to obstruct the Electoral College falling apart on, ahem, their divergence from what the Constitution actually says, this is Romney’s last, best chance to make a play for the Oval Office. What’s his strategy?

Of course he and his strategists will have come up with an ideal lunch order. The White House menu is very flexible: he could probably get just about anything on his plate by asking. The chef, Cristeta Comerford, hails from the Philippines, so this may be the time to meet Obama head-on with a spicy order that evokes his native Pacific Rim. Comerford has also spent time in Vienna, meaning Romney could catch Obama wrong-footed with a request for Topfenstrudel.

Then there’s the conversation. It’s no secret that Obama detests Romney personally and has better things to do than engage in wanton etiquette; he’ll keep his comments terse and practical. This gives Romney an opening to spin a few longer yarns, tell a shaggy-dog joke or three, really dominate the room’s airwaves. That’s the sort of tactic that might not play well with whoever’s waiting to clear the table, however. What’s certain is that both candidates will seek total control of the condiments, which most observers would agree is crucial. If either man comes out of it with mustard on his tie, well, there’s always 2016.

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True Life: An Old Immigrant Woman Fist-Bumped Me

Ever experience something you didn’t realize, until right then, was on your Bucket List? A transformative wave courses through your circulatory system; you feel reassembled. It happened to me, and even now I can scarcely believe it: An old immigrant woman gave me a fist-bump in our building’s elevator.

It came suddenly, with little warning. She got on the elevator on the fourth floor, wearing the usual babushka-type head accessory. She’s very nice and talkative, but I’m often ill at ease because she leaves her apartment door open and just goes about living in plain view all day, and I do not know how to process that. Anyway! She got to talking about the volatile weather and how Al Gore was right.

It was then that I noticed she wore an Obama 2012 button. “At least we won this one, right?” I asked, pointing to my own lapel. She was confused. For a moment, all seemed lost. I pointed again to my lapel, in mounting desperation. “This one,” I stammered. When she at last remembered her button, comprehension took hold of her face, and she solemnly offered a fist for bumping.

It’s hard to say what effect this will have on the course of my journey through this world, but I know I’ll never be the same. What awaits around the next bend may exceed my assumptions again and again. And I hope it does. There’s no better feeling I can name. Hope you can find out for yourself.

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Politico Once Again Incapable Of Relevance

Over the course of the 2012 elections, Politico proved itself over and over to be one of the most vacuous, false-equivalence-spouting, stupidly anecdotal, hand-wringing, unscientific and completely myopic outlets for horserace coverage out there. And that’s really saying something, when you consider these morons were also getting paid to publicly characterize the campaigns. (Maybe the fourth estate could stand to be a bit smaller? Just a thought.)

And now, at a time when most newspapers and magazines are taking a look at how Romney lost and Obama won, how the former cut his staffers’ credit cards off and how the latter might lead in a second term, Politico chooses to rehash a would-be viral story from weeks ago: the guy who got the Romney-Ryan logo tattooed on his face. Oh yeah, him! I’d forgotten all about that dude, just like any normal human should have. But even then, in this piece that’s designed to gloat and mock a clearly deranged individual for a few hundred pageviews, they can’t get it right. Check out that headline: “So, maybe that Romney face tattoo wasn’t such a good idea … ” What, you think so? Jesus, I hope you didn’t keep the fact-checkers too busy with that one. Then, this lede: “With the election over, supporters of Mitt Romney have to pack up their campaign signs and paraphernalia and get on with their lives. But what if you can’t get rid of that stuff? Literally.”

Incredible. It’s as if they were typing this up in Microsoft Word and the little paperclip character showed up and went “Hi! It looks like you’re trying to write a blog post from a few weeks ago just to ridicule a guy who has not yet begun to understand how his unexamined actions will dog and haunt him throughout his life, when you could have attempted actual analysis of current events. Can I help?” and then just filled in the rest. Great job, Politico! Now we know you’re as bad as aping Gawker as you are at everything else.

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Colorado Legalizes Marijuana, Munchies To Follow

Last night, in addition to throwing their electoral votes to Obama, Colorado voters passed Amendment 64, legalizing the use of marijuana for recreational purposes (as did voters in Washington)—which puts state law in contention with federal. But Governer John Hickenlooper had been opposed to the referendums in question and cautioned his constituency not to “break out the Cheetos and Goldfish too quickly.”

You know something? I think Hickenlooper is right. We shouldn’t bust out the junk food too fast. First we should actually smoke some of that sweet, sweet, semi-legal reefer. Ahh. Can’t get the munchies without getting high, right? Afterward, let’s head out and see a big outdoor concert with lots of lasers. The weather will be crisp and fresh; the stars will look immaculate above. We can follow this up with a nice dinner out, maybe to that romantic little Szechuan place we’ve been enjoying recently. Then we can go home and have some mind-blowing, super-stoned sex, because let’s face it: the stuff makes you horny.

Then, when we’re lying sprawled and sweaty on the bed, and someone has turned the TV on out of sheer exhaustion, and a few more quiet moments have passed, that’s when I’d like you to turn to me and say “Are you still hungry? We’ve got some Goldfish or Cheetos in the pantry, I think.” Sounds great! I’ll try not to get any crumbs in the sheets, but no promises. And God Bless Potmerica, baby.

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What To Think About Instead Of The Impending Election

There’s really not much you can do to influence the course of politics this week besides canvassing a neighborhood now intricately booby-trapped to keep away more canvassers. Time is up and yet you’re still here, waiting. Here are a few thought exercises to keep the mind off your ultimate powerlessness in matters of federal government.

For instance, what kind of dinosaur would make the best pet? Contrary to their depiction in the Jurassic Park franchise, I believe a velociraptor might work quite well. They’re not as big and fearsome as all that, though they’d be tough enough to act like watchdogs. And you could take them for runs in the park! Herbivore-wise, I’d go for a microceratops, only about five pounds and less than two feet tall, for the sheer ugly-cute factor. But there’s no wrong answer!

Or then, which would be scarier: blasting into the cold vacuum of space in a space shuttle or descending to the crushing blackness of the Mariana Trench in a little submersible. I say the ocean is way worse—to the best of our knowledge, space isn’t filled with creepy eyeless alien creatures. And, as a kid, I found The Abyss far more traumatizing than Apollo 13.

Finally, if you were a monarch of some kind, what title would they give you once you’d died? For me it’d probably be “Miles the Beneficently Bearded” or “Miles the Inhumane.” Go ahead, list some of yours! And think up some other thoughts to have, while you’re at it. I’m already back to tracking final state battleground polls. 

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