How Can We Make The Royal Baby Story More Interesting?

So the biggest news story yesterday—and what, much to Tyler Coates’s dismay—will be one of the biggest news stories of the next year or so, was the announcement that Prince William and Princess Catherine are expecting a new little prince or princess to join the crazy sideshow of crazy that is the British Royal Family. With the announcement of the new little human tourist attraction will eventually come extensive media coverage that will all ultimately be pretty boring. Here, we have some suggestions for how to make the Royal Baby narrative just a bit more interesting:

* Secret underground lair of paparazzi specifically gearing up to snap those baby photos as soon as possible and effectively hound the royal family into nonexistence uncovered.

* Pippa Middleton, somewhat irked that her sister is getting so much attention basically for just doing her job, decides to focus her energy into studying foreign and economic policy. Luckily, she is a quick study and after just a few strategy sessions with international diplomats, Pippa Middleton almost singlehandedly stabilizes the Eurozone and preventing further economic turmoil. She becomes TIME Person of the Year and calls her sister when she gets the news to say, "You’ve just been PIPPA’d!" She also starts dating a member of One Direction, just because she can.

* Prince Harry, somewhat irked that his brother is getting so much attention basically for just doing his job and inspired by a movie he just saw for the first time, hatches a plan to seize the throne involving staging a wildebeest stampede, destroying his older brother and exiling his offspring from the Pridelands. 

* Newsweek releases another tacky Photoshopped cover of Princess Diana returning from beyond the graaaaaave. (Of course now, it’ll be a digital cover.

* The Royal Birth becomes a live, televised event that Kate and Wills-obsessed Yanks wake up at stupid o’clock to watch, mimosas in hand. The event is topped off with an exuberant concert at Wembley Stadium, during which the newborn is parachuted in by RAF helicopter, being held by Special Guest Star Idris Elba.

* Wills and Kate’s child eventually grows up and marries Mason Disick, officially making Scott Disick an earl or a duke or a viscount or something. This would be particularly fitting, considering that the Kardashians are kind of the closest thing America has to a royal family—they’re insanely wealthy, disproportionately influential and despite not being particularly interesting, we somehow maintain a national interest in them.

* Based on his prior service to Queen and country, Sean Bean becomes named official protector of the Royal Baby. Somehow, he is killed almost immediately via freak accident in the line of duty.

Pippa Middleton: It’s “Startling” To Be Famous For “Bottom”

"‘It is a bit startling to achieve global recognition before the age of 30 on account of your sister, your brother-in-law and your bottom," says Pippa Middleton. She forgot ‘flirting with Prince Harry’ — you’re famous for that, too.

The Pipster, whose bum is the most overrated body part in the history of the world, has just published her first party planning book, Celebrate: A Year Of British Festivities For Families And Friends. Pippa is a professional party planner who has worked for her parents’ company Party Pieces and for a London events company, Table Talk.

In the book, as quoted by the Daily Mail UK, the younger Middleton sister writes:

‘One day I might be able to make sense of this. In the meantime I think it’s fair to say that it has its upside and its downside. ‘I certainly have opportunities many can only dream of – but in most ways I’m a typical girl in her 20s trying to forge a career and represent herself in what can sometimes seem rather strange circumstances. ‘I am by nature an optimist so I tend to concentrate on the advantages. ‘One of the most attractive has been the chance to publish [this book] Celebrate.’

Say what you will about the monarchy. At the very least I appreciate Pippa Middleton acknowledging the "startling" absurdity that she is famous for her family member and butt. 

Now excuse me while I go Google "Guy Fawkes" and "conkers." I have no idea what those silly Brits are talking about. 

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

Morning Links: Katy Perry Is Still Not Pregnant, Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Shack Up

●Pippa Middleton’s bridesmaid dress can now be yours for only $3,100. The perfect butt is, however, not included. [People]

● Rumors had it that Katy Perry might be baring a bump, but she assures that she still likes drinking too much to be pregnant. And so, for the mean time, any weight gain should be attributed to fastfood and booze. "I like In-N-Out Burger and Taco Bell, and if you want to make that pregnant, that’s your problem," she says. [Us]

● Whispery couple Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are shacking-up together in a swanky London "love nest" complete with nude curtains, minimalist furniture, and breathtaking rooftop views, while Kristen films Snow White. [Radar]

● Padma Lakshmi’s billionaire boyfriend, Theodore Forstmann, has passed away of brain cancer at the age of 71. [E!]

● Come January, Andy Cohen’s twice weekly talk show Watch What Happens: Live will be extended to five nights, solidifying his position as king of the reality stars. [NYT]

● The New York Times can’t quite figure out why planking is still a thing. [NYT]

Morning Links: Taylor Swift Threatens to Sue Over Nude Pic, Academia Embraces ‘Jersey Shore’

● Although her late husband Robert Kardashian helped get him off the hook, Kris Jenner “never believed O.J., not for a second,” and was devastated by his acquittal. [NYDN] ● Taylor Swift is threatening to sue the website Celebrity Jihad for posting what they claim is a leaked nude pic of the singer, who has an otherwise squeaky-clean reputation. Scarier yet for the site, she might write a song. And all you are gonna be is mean…[TMZ] ● Lindsay Lohan went to the dentist and her pearly whites are, well, pearly white once more. [ONTD]

● Justin Timberlake says he’s got a thing for Pippa Middleton. “We like the Middletons very much,” he told Esquire UK, before demurring. “I’m going to sound like a sleazeball. I’m going to stop right there.” [Huff Post] ● The Jersey Shore — about more than just G-T-L and juice heads! — has been officially embraced by American academia. Someone even wrote a paper called, “The Jersey Saga: Honor Culture in Medieval Iceland and Modern Seaside.” [NYT] ● Here’s something of a spooky Halloween treat: David Lynch’s album, Crazy Clown Time, is now streaming on NPR. [NPR]

Exclusive First Look: Inside Alice Temperley’s New Book

There was only one show that Pippa Middleton chose to attend during London Fashion Week – and that was Temperley London. Life imitated art as the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister marveled over the high society inspired collection of draped satins and organza prints, which was a fitting theme for the label’s 10-year anniversary. While the esteemed royal support is testament enough to her British roots, designer Alice Temperley – who was recently named a Member of the Order of the British Empire (MBE) by the Queen – is launching a book to celebrate a decade’s worth of Britannia style. Read on for an exclusive sneak peek.

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With a foreword by Harper’s Bazaar UK editor Lucy Yeomans, True British: Alice Temperley contains a rich history of Temperley London’s style evolution. From memorable campaigns and editorials, to the designer’s personal photo archives, the tome provides a unique look inside the world of one of UK’s most celebrated designers.

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True British: Alice Temperley is published by Rizzoli New York and can be purchased on October 4 here.

Morning Links: Jennifer Aniston Trades Spinsterdom for Homewrecking, LiLo’s House-Arrest Party

● Jennifer Aniston might have gone and done that “uncool” homewrecking thing that Angelina Jolie once did to her. She can get the guy, but she can never win. [Page Six] ● Selena Gomez’s headache is gone! When asked about her hospitalization at a shopping mall appearance last night, she said, “I was just very malnourished, so I was low on iron and exhausted.” If she’s not hungry and tired is she even a star? [People] ● Looks like royal hot sister Pippa Middleton has been dumped. Which means, for all you yearning blokes, that yes, she’s single. But it’s hard to imagine she’ll settle for much less than a prince, no? [Ministry of Gossip/LAT]

● Over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan threw a lovely-sounding BBQ/Kardashian-screening party on her roof, and spent most of the evening perched on some boy’s lap. She’s under house arrest and on probation, but really, living the dream. [E!] ● Tracy Morgan tried to make things better by telling Russell Simmons that, “The truth is if I had a gay son, I would love him just as much as if he was straight.” Which is maybe an apology or maybe just something his publicist made him say. [GlobalGrind] ● AMC’s up and down drama The Killing has been picked up for a second season. [AMC]

Morning Links: Justin Bieber a Brat on C.S.I., Pippa Middleton Offered $5 Million to Star in Porn

● It’s settled: seasoned judge Paula Abdul is set to join Cheryl Cole, former Def Jam president L.A. Reid, and her old friend Simon on the bench for The X-Factor. Let’s hope that it doesn’t take as long to pick the winner as it has the judges. [AP/NYT] ● The estimated $250,000 NBC exec Jeff Zucker spent on his son’s Bar Mitzvaha got him a performance from Drake, a raw bar, an iPad station, and converse shoes for all. [Page Six] ● C.S.I. costar Marg Helgenberger thought Justin Bieber was sort of a brat. “Actually, he was really nice to me but he locked one of the producers in a closet. And he put his first through a cake,” she said, describing the behavior of just about every other 17 year-old boy we’ve ever met. [NYDN]

● According to a poll in the Sunday Times, Daniel Radcliffe is the highest-earning British actor under 30, outpacing Robert Pattinson, Kiera Knightley, and even royal brothers William and Harry with some $78 million in earnings. Young Harry! Who knew? [Digital Spy] ● Of course nothing will come of this, but nonetheless, porn director Steven Hirsch has offered Pippa Middleton $5 million to star in just one sexy scene. And he hasn’t forgotten the other swoon-worthy Middleton — he’s made a $1 million offer to brother James. Thanks, but no thanks. [TMZ] ● Journalist Sebastian Junger says he may never return to a war zone after the loss of his collaborator Tim Hetherington. “Tim took the wind out of my sails,” he says, adding that, “You’re really responsible to more people than yourself.” [HR]

Pippa Middleton’s Topless Photo Really Not So Scandalous

Since the Royal Wedding, Kate Middleton’s younger sister, Pippa, has become an overnight star, with fan sites dedicated to her fashion and dating life cropping up on both sides of the Atlantic. Some publications have even dubbed Kate and Pippa the next Jackie Kennedy and Lee Radziwill. But first, queue the inevitable leaked photo scandal: Yesterday, James Middleton’s “arse” was plastered all over the web, and today a shirtless (but not nude) photo of Pippa is making the rounds. In reality, it will only increase her popularity.

The not-so-scandalous photo was unearthed by US Magazine and shows Pippa in a bra, dancing and enjoying the moment with some lucky, unidentified dude. In truth, there’s nothing here that you wouldn’t see at, say, the beach, but you know how these things go once your sister’s in-laws are royalty.

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Highlights of the Royal Wedding (Besides the Kiss)

The much-anticipated royal wedding happened this morning, and soon, we’ll have to find something new to talk about. But while the memory is still fresh — and while the newlyweds are still partying (note the just-released picture of the Royal Wedding Cake!) — we can still get right into it. The trick to enjoying royal wedding related stuff is to entirely suspend disbelief and pretend that all of the hullabaloo is totally normal and in fact necessary. I watched the whole wedding start to finish this morning. Below, a highlight reel of sorts, leaving out the obvious money shots of the Kiss (adorable!) and the Dress (amazing).

Piers Morgan Is The Biggest Royal Wedding Fan Ever

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I tuned into CNN for my royal wedding coverage, which consisted of Anderson Cooper wondering how he went from covering Egypt to watching rich white people get married, and Piers Morgan being a huge royal fanboy. Piers spent this morning breathlessly intoning things like “We’ve got a new superstar in Kate Middleton” and “And if that doesn’t make you proud to be British, nothing will.” He took to Twitter as well: “One over-riding thought watching this magnificent occasion: The British Monarchy is BACK. #biggeststarsintheworld.” (Which is actually kind of valid; people love to talk about how the monarchy is “losing its luster,” but the events of this morning were nothing if not lustrous.)

Princess Beatrice’s Crazy Hat

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This was a hat! I don’t even know what to say about it. It’s wild. It already has almost 12,000 Facebook fans. Expecting a single-serving Tumblr soon. Kate Didn’t Mess Up William’s Name

For some reason I was expecting this to happen. The royals have such long complicated names, and Diana infamously vowed to wed “Philip Charles Arthur George” (the Charles part is supposed to come first) in 1981. Kate got it right: “William Arthur Philip Louis.”

Adorable Aristocratic Children

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Aww! No idea who they even belonged to. Pippa Middleton led a few of them down the aisle. The girls were in precious little dresses and the boys were in wee darling suits.

Kate Did Her Own Makeup

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It’s true! That’s ballsy. If I were going to appear in front of the whole world on my wedding day, I would hire every makeup artist I could get my hands on.

There’s lots more to discuss, for example, whether or not Kate Middleton will produce a male heir. It’s time for that now, right? Paging the Daily Mail.