Fact: Everyone Always Eventually Disowns Ayn Rand

GOP vice presidential nominee-apparent Paul Ryan wants you to know that, despite suggesting massive cuts to the sorts of entitlement programs that keep this country from collapsing into an infinitely dense Higgs boson of hopelessness, he no longer has any use for the Darwinian objectivism of notable Russian atheist Ayn Rand. 

Great! In repudiating this perpetually debunked philosophy, Ryan joins countless other recovering Randians in a brave new world that never took clunky fiction for holy scripture—well, excluding the Bible. Some famous Rand disciples to leave the flock include former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, who demurred crucially if indirectly back in 2008, and the guy who in high school gave me a copy of The Fountainhead for my birthday only to later become an Orthodox Jew and have kids and post on Facebook about God often enough to warrant de-friending.

Ryan, like those weenies before him, chalks the Rand stuff up to an eager pupil’s infatuation—though as his high-school’s biggest "brown-noser," how much of a young übermensch was he?—and I might say that’s fair. It’s just too bad the kids who like Kurt Vonnegut never get into politics (come to think of it, there’s probably some causation there). Anyway, nope, he’s lying, unless you often find 35-year-olds to be marked by childlike naïveté. Quoth the L.A. Times:

He told the Weekly Standard in 2003 that he gave his staffers copies of “Atlas Shrugged” as Christmas presents. Speaking to a group of Rand acolytes in 2005, Ryan said, “The reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand. And the fight we are in here, make no mistake about it, is a fight of individualism versus collectivism.”  

So, you know, that anti-collectivist opinion is probably very much alive in Ryan’s sickly husk of a brain. Retired voters in Florida? They’re going to love this kill-the-weak policy. Death panels for all!

Hey Girl: Twitter Gets “Paul Ryan Gosling” Tweets In Short Order

Last night Mitt Romney announced pro-life Ayn Rand devotee Rep. Paul Ryan as his vice presidential running mate. It took no time at all for some enterprising Twitter user to notice the word "Ryan" in his name and run with the Feminist Ryan Gosling "hey girl" meme. Behold, Paul Ryan Gosling.

Here are some of Paul Ryan Gosling’s best tweets:

On a related note, sorry to make all you of even briefly think about sex acts with Paul Ryan and/or Mitt Romney.

Really, I’m sorry.

Celebs React To Mitt Romney’s VP Pick Paul Ryan

Mitt Romney has announced his pick for running mate and it’s abortion-banning, Ayn Rand-loving Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan. Really, Mitt, you picked a guy with a hard-on for Ayn Rand? Let us see how the important people in America, our celebrities, react to this news.