Gene Kelly and Ten Other Dead Dudes We’d Totally Sleep With

My eyes were a little cloudy and heavy this morning when I got into the office, and I knew exactly what would perk me up: Google Image Searching Gene Kelly. Sure, some people would pick coffee, but some people would pick Gene Kelly. Right? That’s a thing that people do? Well, you should, because Gene Kelly was a handsome bro. I think even those who weren’t into dudes who hopped around on his toes and danced the nights away would be into him, because he basically looked like a linebacker who could also pliĆ©. And it got the gears in my brain a-movin’ and a-turnin’, and I started wondering: wouldn’t it be great if time travel were real and I could go back in time to have sex with Gene Kelly?

Look, let’s not get weird about this. You would, too. And you know what? I bet there’s a whole bunch of other now-dead people who were pretty attractive when they were alive. Here’s my list, and feel free to comment below with your own!

1. The Searchers-era Jeffrey Hunter

Sorry that the Comanche killed your parents, Martin, but you’re still hot so it’ll be OK!
 

2. A Streetcar Named Desire-era Marlon Brando

Goddamn those arms. I mean, bless those arms, but also goddamn those arms.

3. Rock Hudson in everything

You know? He might actually be game for this.

4. A Place in the Sun-era Montgomery Clift

This guy would probably be a handful, but there’s something really romantic about having to save someone, right?

5. Paul Newman in everything

THOSE EYES.
 

6. Hamlet-era Laurence Olivier

This one is kind of a wild card, but there’s something creepily sexy about that Aryan dye-job.
 

7. John Cazale in everything

Speaking of creepy! But Meryl Streep slept with him, and that’s a big endorsement as far as I’m concerned.

8. Midnight Express-era Brad Davis

Despite the history of sexual abuse, the drug use, the alcoholism, this guy was kind of a catch!

9. River Phoenix in everything

Duh.

10. Bullitt-era Steve McQueen

Don’t you think he’d treat you like total shit? Sign me up.

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How to Eat Heidi Klum & Other Celebrity Foods

There’s a long, hallowed, and profitable tradition of American celebrities endorsing commercial products — especially if they can snag a check overseas for endorsing crackers or soda or udon noodles without freaking out their American fans. Somewhat rarer are celebs turning their personal brand into a product brand, with the notable exception of fragrances (even Justin Bieber couldn’t stay away from that honey pot).Even rarer still are celebs willing to lend their name to food products, since there’s just something about eating food named after a person that makes it hard to take person seriously. Or any more seriously than before.

Perhaps the most succesful food-related product is Mr. George Forman and his mighty Grill empire, pictured lovingly above. There are others of course, of which this is just a partial list. To further explore the juxtaposition of celebrity brand and food product, we thought it illustrative to … illustrate these relationships by way of the "At First I Was Like" meme form, perhaps most perfectly captured in the seminal Ice Cube example. Enjoy.

Heidi Klum’s Fruit Flirtations

Heidi Klum fruit candy

 

Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt

Steven Seagal Lightning Bolt Drink

Paul Newman’s Salad Dressing

Paul Newman salad dressing

 

Kenny Rogers’ Roasters

Kenny Rogers Roasters

 

Francis Ford Coppola Wine, Pasta Sauce

Francis Cord Coppola wine pasta sauce

Links: Kelly Bensimon vs. ‘Elle’ Editor, Jessica Biel Stripped to DVD

● Take a look at Seth Rogen, age 13, doing stand-up in Canada before the fame, before his balls dropped, and from the looks of it, before he found a bong. [Youtube] ● We Americans may be blasé about Katy Perry’s girl-kissing antics, but Saudi Arabia finds the singer too sexy, censoring her album cover by adding clothes. [The Insider] ● Real housewife of NYC Kelly Bensimon has more legal troubles on the way, as if allegedly beating up your boyfriend wasn’t bad enough; a former Elle Accessories editor is accusing her of lifting a jewelry line idea. Hell hath no fury like an editor scorned. [P6]

● Justin Timberlake’s main lady Jessica Biel’s stripper role in the film Powder Blue will be getting the straight-to-DVD treatment. [HighDefDigest] ● While other celebs came to Coachella in their thrift-store finest, Dita Von Teese showed us how it’s done — wearing a cocktail dress to a music festival in the middle of the desert. [JustJared] ● A new biography about actor Paul Newman portrays him as a functioning alcoholic and a womanizer. Shocker. [Daily Mail]

Paul Newman’s Own Racetrack

imagePaul Newman took his final laps at Lime Rock racetrack just weeks before he died. It was his home track. Like Newman, the 1.5-mile track is a little rough around the edges but has tons of charm. And with “blind crests and fast corners,” it’s a lot of fun to drive — especially for those wanting top out at 185 mph. Located in Lakeville, Connecticut — a snappy two hours from Manhattan — the track is tucked in the foothills of the Berkshire Mountains and has been hosting racing since 1957, most notably the Grand-Am GT Classic and the Le Mans Series.

In a recent track review, the author explains that racetracks now operate like private golf clubs; members buy in with an initiation fee and pay monthly dues. Lime Rock is a little steep, but it also isn’t your average track. It’s gentile, upscale, and well-heeled –more polo field than the petrol-fumed grit pits of NASCAR. The prices certainly reflect that. For a $110,000 initiation fee (and $550 in monthly dues), drivers get 60 days of annual access to the track. Added bonus: legendary driver Skip Barber, who founded the Skip Barber Racing School at Lime Rock in 1975, as track president.

Why race? For Newman, it was simple. “A fella’s got to be someplace,” Newman said in an interview. Besides, “competition in the theater is wrong. It should be considered an art form. And for that reason it’s difficult to determine who’s the better actor, what’s the best movie. Racing is very clear. You get there first, that’s it. No bickering.”