Political Movie Not About Politics

Now that I’ve seen the capitalist critiques and murderous slo-mo ballets of Killing Them Softly, last on the cinematic agenda between now and Django Unchained would be Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the global manhunt for Osama bin Laden in what we all hope to be chilling detail. But don’t let that description confuse you: allegedly, the script has no agenda at all!

Okay, I see where director Kathryn Bigelow and writer Mark Boal are coming from when they say things like: “This is a pretty naturally dramatic and exciting story. You don’t really have to put too much topspin on the ball.” Because there’s nothing worse than an on-screen sermon. It’s funny, though, that a movie about enhanced interrogation and state-sanctioned assassinations finds the political climate at large something toxic enough to distance itself from.

I get it, really. You’re trying to present the facts of history as objectively and entertainingly as possible. It’s not intended as a polemic—and neither was Bigelow and Boal’s Hurt Locker—yet to say neither has a political vantage point, a moral compass, some guiding humanistic principles, is to ignore their subtle and remarkable effect on the final product. As Aaron Sorkin will never understand, this type of commentary can remain unspoken.

So come on, you two—quit playing coy. You make political movies. DEAL WITH IT. No one’s forcing you to attend $1000-a-plate party fundraisers. Or worse, start collecting bumper stickers.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

Morning Links: Rebecca Black Is Not Pregnant, Earl Sweatshirt Speaks

● Someone made a joke on Facebook (and subsequently on CNN’s citizen-sourced iReport) about 13-year-old Rebecca Black being pregnant, luring pro-lifers out to play. [E!] ● Disney applied for trademark on the phrase “Seal Team 6” just two days after Osama Bin Laden was declared dead. Which, theoretically, could mean they are working on a feature starring a team of anthropomorphic sea creatures. More likely, they’ve just jumped the shark. [DailyMail] ● Nick Cannon has confirmed that Roc and Roe were welcomed into this world by a live version of Mariah’s “Fantasy.” “Of course we got to keep our celebrity weirdness up,” said Cannon. [People]

● Truth be told, Earl Sweatshirt would rather you let him free himself. “The only thing I need right now is space,” he tells Kelefa Sanneh in this week’s New Yorker. [New Yorker] ● The stars of Jersey Shore will be relying heavily on Rosetta Stone when they get to Italy, as being able to speak the language will be crucial to maintaining their figures abroad. “I’m very, very scared because I’m trying to lose weight,” says Snooki. “I can’t have pasta everyday!” said Ronnie, who’s first words in the native tongue will be “grilled chicken.” [NYDN] ● Bridesmaids made $24.4 million in the box offices this weekend — not a bad debut for a movie made by a bunch of girls. Of course, though, it was beefy Thor that won the weekend, pulling in $34.5 million. [AP/YAHOO]

Afternoon Links: Hugh Grant Almost Replaced Sheen, Donald Trump Reveals Secret to His Hair

● Hugh Grant came perilously close to replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men for a reported $25 million a year. The problem? Creative differences, according to insiders. Apparently, Grant wanted the show to be funny. [Deadline] ● Today in the Lindsay Lohan Prison Watch: The former actress will not be doing extra time for pleading no contest to her misdemeanor theft charge.[TMZ] ● After going on a song-releasing spree in the lead up to her new album, Lady Gaga has announced the official third single on her album will be humbly titled “The Edge of Glory.” [Gaga Daily]

● In West Philadelphia, born and raised, in a fucking massive trailer is where Will Smith spends most of his days. [Movieline] ● Some of Osama bin Laden’s children have released a statement to the New York Times demanding to see physical evidence proving the death of their father. Our suggestion: When the birthday cards don’t come this year, you’ll know. [NYT] ● Donald Trump has revealed the secret behind his hair, and yes, it’s disturbing. [Rolling Stone]

Morning Links: Tyler, The Creator Arrested, Dov Charney’s Laptop Has Porn Bookmarks

● Feeding fire to the engine, the LAPD had Tyler, the Creator in cuffs yesterday for reasons we can’t even begin to imagine. [RapRadar] ● “Oh lovely, White House,” Sarah Palin mocked when she heard that the rapper Common (“as in, common thug, I suppose”) had been invited to the White House for a poetry reading. Needless to say, Common’s never felt tougher. [NBC] ● You’re going to have to put in work if you want to be the first to hear Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. Virtual work. On FarmVille. Three strawberry trees for that next single? Don’t mind if I do! [DailyGaga]

● Is Will Smith’s double-decker Men In Black trailer, complete with a 100-inch television and marble bathrooms, too big? Residents of the Soho neighborhood he’s parked it in while filming think it might be: “How would Will Smith feel if I parked that thing out in front of his house?” they ask. [NYP] ● Of course Dov Charney keeps a “good hookers” bookmark. You know, for efficiency’s sake. [Gawker] ● Next season on Bravo: Osama Bin Laden’s Matchmaker: Real Housewives of Abbottabad! Oh wait.[ABC]

Comedian & Ex Marine Rob Riggle Considers Bin Laden’s Death

Before he made his name playing blowhards in positions of authority in movies like The Hangover and The Other Guys, and as a correspondent on The Daily Show, Rob Riggle was an active United States Marine, serving tours of duty in Kosovo and Afghanistan. Riggle, who’s currently stationed in New Orleans shooting Jonah Hill’s 21 Jump Street remake, is also following in Olivia Munn’s footsteps by lending his talent to AXE’s latest creative marketing campaign. Dubbed the AXE Dirtcathlon, Riggle co-hosts a web series “pitting coed teams against one another other in crazy challenges designed to get them as messy as possible within 90 seconds.” It’s good fun. We recently caught up with the actor to discuss the campaign, his acting projects, and Osama bin Laden’s death.

How’s filming on 21 Jump Street going? It’s a total blast. It’s everything I hoped it would be. Doing things with Jonah and Channing, and having a blast doing them. I play Mr. Walters, a gym teacher.

How did you get involved with this Axe campaign? Well, the Axe campaign came about because they asked me, which I thought was very nice of them. It’s a pretty fun idea. They’re relaunching their shower gel line, so they came up with this idea to a web series where it’s kind of a reality show meets a game show, and myself and Owen Benjamin are the co-hosts. We have four young, hot couples, and they’re competing against each other in different events that are pretty ridiculous. The winner gets to go to Spain for that tomato festival, where they pelt each other and it gets extremely messy. If people go to the Axe Dirtcathlon, they can check it out.

Can you tell me about Home Game, the TV show you shot? We shot the pilot last month, and I was lucky enough to have Mark Wahlberg produce it, who I met on the set of The Other Guys. It went really well, people are really excited about it. Now we’re in the holding phase, where they run it through the gauntlet of testing, and hopefully in two weeks we’ll find out. It’s based on a stories from Mark Schlereth’s real life, who was an NFL player back in the day but is now an ESPN analyst. It’s basically about a retired football player who’s home with his family and doesn’t know what to do with himself.

You’ve served in Afghanistan. What are your thoughts on Sunday’s news? I think I fall in with the majority of people. I was pretty relieved.

Were you shocked? Did you think this might never happen? No. Believe it or not, I always believed it was going to happen. I always believed we would get him, I just didn’t know when. I truly believed, because the hunt never stopped. From September 11 until today, they’ve never taken any time off. I knew we’d get him eventually.

How did you find out? I was with my wife, and we were watching TV. Oh no, maybe she got a tweet, or a text.

Now that We Won’t See Bin Laden, 5 Other Photos to Look Forward To

For a while there, it was really looking like the White House was going to release at least one image of a post-gun-shot-wound-to-the-head Osama Bin Laden. But now that it appears the President will officially deny us the pleasure of seeing Bin Laden’s brains, we’re going to need to shift our focus to other highly anticipated photographs. After the jump, check out five really exciting pictures our sour-puss president can’t stop us from seeing.

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman: While this isn’t nearly as exciting as seeing Heath Ledger fully Joker-fied for the first time, I await this with ample curiosity. How will it compare to Michelle Pfeiffer’s iconic getup? Will it look at ridiculous as Hathaway’s British accent sounds? And will we see it in a leaked set photo, or because of an elaborate viral reveal a la Joker? Regardless, it’s going to be good.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt as an 18 year old: No one who’s seen a photo of this special little gal hasn’t imagined what she’ll look like as an adult. That’s just the way it goes when you have you-know-who and you-know-who as parents. Things seem to be right on track for the little tyke to claim her throne as the Queen of Symmetry. Only 4,768 days to go!

The First Publicity Still from The X Factor: You’re not the only one who thinks Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul reuniting to judge a different singing competition is too good to be true. We’ll believe it when we see it. Plus, toss in a richer, more powerful Randy and a sexier, more famous (in Britain, at least) Kara DioGuardi, and, well, this picture is going to be awesome!

Daniel Day-Lewis as Abraham Lincoln: When production on Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln biopic begins in Virginia this fall, it’ll only be a matter of time before we see a photo of the greatest living actor made to look like the greatest dead president (Sorry, Harding).

Mariah Carey’s Twins!: Oh Morrocan and Monroe, where art thou?

Was William & Kate’s Honeymoon Postponed Because of Osama Bin Laden?

As royal wedding watchers know, William and Kate mysteriously delayed their honeymoon, which was scheduled to begin after their wedding on Friday. It looks like they won’t be traveling anywhere till June, when they’ll embark on an official visit to Canada plus a two-day jaunt to L.A. (!!). But why did the honeymoon get postponed in the first place? Celebrity biographer Andrew Morton is suggesting that the royals may have decided to nix the honeymoon because of the U.S. mission to kill Osama Bin Laden this weekend. Really:

There is mounting speculation that Kate and William canceled their honeymoon at short notice on advice from the Prime Minister who had been made aware, in general terms, of the impending operation against Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. Just days before the wedding, royal aides were keeping mum about the honeymoon destination, but privately indicating that William had taken two weeks leave in anticipation of a romantic getaway. All that changed over the weekend… So why then did Kate going shopping on the Kings Road for sun dresses, knickers and all the paraphernalia of a sunshine holiday if they were staying home? And did the Americans delay the operation for a hours so that the royal wedding could go off without incident?

Wow. So not only could Wills and Kate have postponed their honeymoon because of Osama Bin Laden, but the royal wedding might have actually had an effect on the timing of the raid? This is mindblowing. Two of the biggest and most unrelated stories of the year just collided head-on!

So we never got to see Kate’s honeymoon trousseau in action or find out where they were going. However, they will be in the U.S. this summer, probably hanging out with David and Victoria Beckham in L.A. (according to Morton). The tabloids are going to absolutely explode.

Afternoon Links: The Osama Bin Laden Death Edition

● Here’s a terrifically surreal video of wrestling superstar John Cena announcing Bin Laden’s death to fans after winning a cage match in Tampa. [YouTube] ● Donald Trump has released a statement congratulating President Obama on last night’s big kill. [The Oval/USA Today] ● The San Diego Padres will wear camouflage uniforms tonight in honor of the NAVY SEALS who shot Bin Laden in the head. [TMZ]

● Rush Limbaugh did the rare but honorable thing, commending President Obama for expertly fucking with Bin Laden’s shit. [Daily Intel] ● Looks like we’re not the only ones turning to sex to understand the ramifications of Bin Laden’s death. TMZ asks if the president did it with Michelle following last night’s speech. [TMZ] ● Pictures of a dead, blown-out Bin Laden head circulating the net are fake, but it’s only a matter of time before the real ones are released/leaked. [Telegraph]

Pornstars React to Osama Bin Laden’s Death

The internet has moved at a breathless pace since the world found out about Osama Bin Laden’s death late last night, with experts from all fields being consulted to lend fresh perspective. Well, we think we’ve found a new area of specialty: pornstars! To show that Bin Laden’s death has captured just about everyone’s attention, we’ve rounded up some Twitter reactions from people who have sex for a living. Admittedly, out of the fifty or so accounts we scoped out, the pornstars below are the only ones who chose to address this momentous occasion on Twitter. Enjoy!

Alektra Blue: “Good Morning Fucktastical World.. Just wanted to say.. Ocean burial within 24hrs.. Yeeeeaaaaaa oooookkk!!!?? Lmao” ● Sinnamon Love: “@StevieJ102 I hear you. I was living in NY at the time but was in LA when it happened. I lost friends in those buildings. This is relief.” ● Lexi Belle: “RT @acenlv to celebrate Osama death I joined @OMGitsLexi site. Dont pay for porn & the terrorists win!!!<--you win baby! Thank you" ● Alana Evans: “This is just like when the wicked witch of the east was killed and all the munchins celebrated! DING DONG OSAMAS DEAD!” ● Vicky Vette: “There is no truth to the rumor that Bin Laden was bombed with porn…” ● Joanna Angel: “I can’t think of anything witty to tweet about Osama. so I will just re tweet all the other good ones i see. #carryon” ● Diamond Foxxx: “Hand shake to all armed forces who went after bin laden. As a team, the USA killed the bastard. Congratulations!” ● Alison Tyler: “Alright whoever killed Osama is getting a blow job!!” ● Kayden 420: “Whoa” ● Stacy Burke: “Thank you Mr. President @BarackObama & Troops – you have ALL of my Love & Support Always! ” ● Raven Alexis: “Bin Laden is dead. @dirtjunior666 and I are celebrating with margaritas. My foot hurts. Thats my day in a nutshell” ● Lexxxi Lockhart: “Wow Osama is dead, finally!!”