Afternoon Links: Ai Weiwei Sets Up Live Webcams, Mary J. Blige Commercial Pulled

● Ai Weiwei has installed four live webcams in his Beijing home — including one over his bed and two at his desk — as a nod to the 24-hour police surveillance he has been subjected to since his detention last year. [ArtsBeat]

● In Glamour this month, Lauren Conrad claims that, ever since someone "zoomed in" on her cellulite years ago, she has been "just petrified" of wearing a bathing suit in public. "It was so mean," she says. [Us]

● Noted astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson has for years been bothered by the inaccurate star-map used in Titanic‘s climactic scene, so for the 3D go-around, James Cameron changed it. "So I said, ‘All right, you son of a bitch, send me the right stars for the exact time, 4:20 a.m. on April 15, 1912, and I’ll put it in the movie,’" Cameron said. "So that’s the one shot that has been changed." [HuffPost]

● David Byrne and Will Oldham have teamed up as the Pieces of Shit — a title which no one would endue the two — for the This Must Be the Place soundtrack. [Pitchfork]

● Mary J. Blige’s commercial for Burger King chicken snack wraps ("Crispy chicken, fresh lettuce, three cheeses, ranch dressing wrapped up in a tasty, flour tortilla," she’ll tell you to the tune of her “Don’t Mind”) already seems to have been pulled from YouTube. [Gawker]

● Nick Cannon has begun documenting his recent health troubles with an online series called the NCredible Health Hustle. "Hoping this series serves as inspiration for anyone dealing with kidney disease, lupus or ANY ILLNESS to keep pushing as well," he says. [People]

Morning Links: Zooey D.’s Rough High School Days, LL Cool J to Host This Year’s Grammys

● "Girls spit in my face, people were so mean to me, I’d cry every day," says Zooey Deschanel of her rough high school days. She is just so "adorkable" now, though, you really can’t imagine, can you? [USA Today]

● For the first time in seven years, the Grammys will have an official host: a two-time Grammy winner himself, LL Cool J. [People]

● Pusha T, Frank Ocean, Big Sean, and Jay Electronica have all signed up to work on Kanye West’s G.O.O.D. compilation, due out, according to the man himself, "SPRING 2012." [Pitchfork]

 ● When Nick Cannon said he was suffering from "mild kidney failure," he really meant his kidneys "pretty much failed," but he didn’t want you to worry or think about Gary Coleman too much. [EW]

● L.A. City Council passed, in a nearly unanimous vote, a new city ruling that requires porn stars to use condoms during shoots. The times, they are a changing! [LAT]

● Jay-99 percent-Z’s Rocawear laid off half of its New York City workers the day before Blue Ivy’s luxury birth. [AnimalNY]

Morning Links: Lil Wayne Threatens to Retire, Lindsay Lohan Breaks Probabtion

● Looks like those house-arrest TV-parties weren’t so tame after all: Lindsay Lohan is headed back to court after failing her most recent sobriety test. It’s like, is there even a bus for her to fall off at this point? [TMZ] ● After three months of barely-explained detention in a Chinese jail, artist Ai Weiwei has been released on bail for “good attitude in confessing his crimes as well as a chronic disease he suffers from.” And also maybe because he didn’t really do anything wrong in the first place. [NYT] ● Lil Wayne is threatening to bow out and retire on top after Tha Carter IV drops in this month’s XXL. To which, sure, Wayne — you do that. Just like Jay did in 2003. It’s not so easy for a king. [XXL]

● Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s twins are growing fast. According to Cannon, Moroccan Scott doesn’t cry and has muscles, and Monroe is, like her mother, already a diva. You know, normal two-month-old stuff. [Page Six] ● Katy Perry didn’t mean to “get all politically divulging and introspective,” but she did anyways when she told Rolling Stone that it “feels like the thing running our country is a bank, money” and that “we are largely in desperate need of revolutionary change in the way our mindset is.” Presumably she’s envisioning a world where the banks are shut down, where all clothes come with candy already in the pockets, and one where we can all be teenagers forever. [RS] ● But really, Jennifer Aniston and BF Justin Theroux do look cute together in this Terry Richardson snap. [Terry’s Diary]

Morning Links: Rebecca Black Is Not Pregnant, Earl Sweatshirt Speaks

● Someone made a joke on Facebook (and subsequently on CNN’s citizen-sourced iReport) about 13-year-old Rebecca Black being pregnant, luring pro-lifers out to play. [E!] ● Disney applied for trademark on the phrase “Seal Team 6” just two days after Osama Bin Laden was declared dead. Which, theoretically, could mean they are working on a feature starring a team of anthropomorphic sea creatures. More likely, they’ve just jumped the shark. [DailyMail] ● Nick Cannon has confirmed that Roc and Roe were welcomed into this world by a live version of Mariah’s “Fantasy.” “Of course we got to keep our celebrity weirdness up,” said Cannon. [People]

● Truth be told, Earl Sweatshirt would rather you let him free himself. “The only thing I need right now is space,” he tells Kelefa Sanneh in this week’s New Yorker. [New Yorker] ● The stars of Jersey Shore will be relying heavily on Rosetta Stone when they get to Italy, as being able to speak the language will be crucial to maintaining their figures abroad. “I’m very, very scared because I’m trying to lose weight,” says Snooki. “I can’t have pasta everyday!” said Ronnie, who’s first words in the native tongue will be “grilled chicken.” [NYDN] ● Bridesmaids made $24.4 million in the box offices this weekend — not a bad debut for a movie made by a bunch of girls. Of course, though, it was beefy Thor that won the weekend, pulling in $34.5 million. [AP/YAHOO]

Morning Links: Beyoncé Surprises Young Dancers, Elizabeth Olsen Earns Praise for New Trailer

● Not to detract from Barack’s week of winning, but Michelle’s “Let’s Move!” campaign is the best ever, right? For its most recent video, Beyoncé surprises some girls dancing to her “Move Your Body.” It’s officially cute. [YouTube] ● Khloe Kardashian seems to think using egg whites as lubricant can speed up the baby-making process. [HollyBaby] ● Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have chosen particularly, uh, inspired names for their twins: Moroccan Scott, as in “the Moroccan-inspired decor of the top-tier of Carey’s apartment” and Monroe Cannon, after Marilyn Monroe, Mariah’s inspiration. [Huff Post]

● Elizabeth, the other Olsen, wooed Sundance this year, winning high praise for her two debut films. If the trailer for Martha Marcy May Marlene is any indication, the praise was well deserved. [Vulture/NYM] ● “Brando allegedly annoyed his traveling companions by insisting on stopping at nearly every KFC and Burger King they passed,” reports Vanity Fair of Marlon Brando’s unlikely escape from New York after 9/11. Those annoyed travel companions? Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson. [Vanity Fair] ● Three 800-pound bronze animal heads by Ai Weiwei were unveiled at the Plaza Hotel. The Chinese artist remains detained in his homeland. “Beauty and inspiration are irrepressible; they are alive in every human heart – in every nation – and wherever an artist creates Ai Weiwei is there,” mused Mayor Bloomberg, who was there for the occasion. [Metropolis/WSJ]

Morning Links: Nick Cannon Gets Creepy With Mariah, Lindsay Lohan Mistaken for Lady Gaga

● According to January Jones, she doesn’t just play Betty Draper, she is Betty Draper. “There was no Betty in the pilot when I auditioned. Matthew Weiner, the creator of the show, had no intention of showing Don Draper’s home life,” she told W. [W Magazine] ● A bit grabby, now, aren’t we Nick? [ONTD] ● According to this week’s Village Voice, Donald Glover a.k.a Childish Gambino “represents a new archetype of entertainer—a black nerd who can like white stuff. Not a black nerd in the over-the-top Steve Urkel or Dwayne Wayne sense, but a regular black guy who likes the same stuff white people like—but just happens to be more talented than you.” Is this guy creeping on Drake’s territory? [Village Voice]

● Lindsay Lohan was mistaken for Lady Gaga at the airport. It’s unclear on to who this reflects more poorly. [Daily Mail] ● Oh, good. Nick Cage has been reunited “by divine province” with the super special Spiderman comic book he lost 11 years ago. “What surprised me is that it looked the same. It’s very fine.” Fewf. [NYP] ● You say private school, Rap-Up says Nigerian boarding school. It doesn’t look like we’re going to find out where Earl Sweatshirt is anytime soon, but Odd Future are headed east once more, and we really wish he could come this time — that boy can rap! [Rap-Up

Links: Noah Cyrus Lingerie Line Not Happening, Anderson Cooper’s Haitian Baby Might Be

● Despite reports to the contrary by Perez Hilton, nine-year-old Noah Cyrus is not — we repeat NOT — designing a line of children’s lingerie. But, yes, it is tragic that the internet considered this a possibility. [Fab Life] ● Lindsay Lohan spotted with “prescription drugs.” Lindsay Lohan spotted with hair. Lindsay Lohan spotted with legs. [Daily Mail] ● Game time! Lady GaGa or a Figure Skater? [Celebuzz]

● Now everyone’s just assuming that Anderson Cooper is gay and doing gay things, like adopting a Haitian child like a gay hero. [Gawker] ● Nick Cannon says his wife Mariah Carey hates when he’s “messy.” Uh, girl, he works for Nickelodeon. [Page Six] ● The Periodic Table of Smellements exists. [Buzzfeed]

Mariah Carey Shows Off Eminem Obsession with Scary Cosplay

One of the world’s crueler injustices is how Mariah Carey ends up more noted for her wardrobe malfunctions than for her skills as a highly proficient satirist in the vein of British greats like P.G Wodehouse. But this shouldn’t strike you as a surprise. This is the same dazzling force who previously made glib, incisive commentary on the human condition out of horseback riding and a day trip to a carnival. Her latest jab at highbrow humor? Dressing up in drag!

Carey, who also inadvertently captured Obama’s evanescent hold on America with her latest single, “Obsessed”, decided that the video for said single would also be an opportune moment to strike back at Eminem.

As you’ll begrudgingly recall, Eminem is a fellow who has made a name for himself with nasal-sounding raps that frequently slice into other prominent people for one vague reason or another. Maybe because as a child he ran around the playground with his favorite Bette Middler LP in tow and all the other jerks picked on him. Sadness! And so, there he is: Eminem the Sour Puss. But here’s where sadness turns to madness. A few years ago, he made a big old fuss over Mariah Carey because she wouldn’t take him to the fall cotillion or whatever forum for public affection the rich and famous have for publicly displaying such alleged affection.

And when Eminem stood up — so tall at 5’8″! — and thumped his chest with his fists of fury and roared. He issued another outburst. Then Carey’s husband Nick Cannon declared war on the rapper. And then, somewhere at a small, criminally overpriced liberal arts college on the East Coast, people wore a fucking green wristband for all the wrong reasons and chain-smoked some American Spirits.

However, Mimi is a big girl. And in the tradition of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi, she’s not such a violent beast. So her revenge is simple: in her new video, she cross-dresses to look like Eminem and/or his target demo. And then skewers this alter-ego. Or subjects them to the backing track of her absurdly crappy new single. The plans are still sketchy.

Jumping the Line at Sundance

Scene at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City: A junior flack manning the door at the Kenneth Cole Black – GenArt party at the Sky Lodge last night bellowed out from behind her clipboard to the frigid swarm of party-goers mushrooming in front of the door: “If you’re not a celebrity, an honoree or press, get in the back of the line!” That pretty much sums up the Sundance party admittance hierarchy. Luckily, we snuck into the tail end of that equation and jumped the line, breezing right in to find cigarette girls and guys doling out jumbo boxes of Hot Tamales, Sour Patch Kids, cartons of popcorn, and other movie fare, as the likes of an unnaturally blonde Denise Richards, Eliza Dushku, and what appeared to be “Pedro” from Napoleon Dynamite shook their groove thangs to guest DJ Nick Cannon’s ’80s mash-ups. (Thanks, but do we really need a remix of ’80s one-hit-wonders The Outfield?)

image Brent Bolthouse and Kenneth Cole.

Harvey Weinstein made a brief appearance, turning heads and eliciting whispers (“Harvey’s here!”). After a glimpse of indie film royalty, it was time to go.

image Jeff Daniels and Olivia Thirlby.

At Sundance, the best parties are said to happen far from the jammed throngs of Main Street, out in the quiet white night of the surrounding town, where movie moguls and movers and shakers of varying importance rent massive wooden mansions. Thanks to the delightful women who run the Woodstock Film Festival (this September marks their 10th anniversary), we found ourselves ensconced in said setting late into the night and had the pleasure of a fireside chat with a lovely young filmmaker whose last film, The Doorman, had the distinction of earning its worst review ever — in BlackBook. Hey, all press is good press I reminded him, and raised my mug of clove-spiced grog to his future success.