Your Guide to This Weekend’s Movies Based on Stereotypes About You

It’s the weekend after Labor Day, the official start of the fall film season, and for the first time in a long while, there’s a lot of stuff in theaters that actually looks watchable. To help you choose what to see this weekend, I’ve created a guide based on broad stereotypes. Good luck!

Never Let Me Go See this if… ● You spent your summer vacations in the British countryside in the care of some distant aunt; you had some lost love affair there that makes you wax nostalgic. ● You always wished you’d spent your summers in the British countryside having love affairs. ● You are a middle-aged British man like my dad, who is obsessed with Charlotte Rampling. ● You are on a date with someone who wears cardigans, keeps a diary, and whose favorite photograph of him/herself involves light rain, tangly wet hair, and staring off into the distance.

Do not see if… ● You’ve seen the trailer, because it gives away the entire film and ruins all the surprises.

Easy A: See this if… ● You are a large group of high school kids sneaking rum-infused 20 oz. cokes into the theater because Mike F’s brother came through with his fake ID. There will be a lot of very broad humor and obvious sexual innuendo that you will find funny, but the girl sitting next to you probably won’t make out with you. ● You are a virgin. ● You are a middle-aged British man like my dad, who is obsessed with American high school movies because he never got to have a prom. ● Your best girlfriend from college is in town and you just want to put on sweats and eat popcorn like the old days.

Do not see if… ● You are a middle-aged man who wants to meet virgins.

The Town: See this if… ● You are from Boston and think anything to do with Boston is the best thing ever. When Fenway Park is shown during a movie, you clap uncontrollably. Also, you love Ben Affleck, even though you think he is a bit gay. ● You are not from Boston, but you think Boston accents are the funniest thing ever. ● You are a man like my dad who will see pretty much anything that involves guns and/or heists/robberies. ● You want to have sex with Jon Hamm, and don’t care that he has a small part in the film. All Hamm is good Hamm.

Do not see if… ● You have a vagina and aren’t from Boston and don’t think Boston accents are funny.

Catfish: See this if… ● You spend most of your life meeting women on the Internet. ● You spend most of your life fantasizing about spending your life meeting women on the Internet when all you really do is play world of Warcraft. ● You loved the Blair Witch Project. ● You are really upset that Craigslist closed their Adult Services

Do Not see this if… ● You are my dad.

Movie Reviews: ‘Buried,’ ‘You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger,’ ‘Howl’ & More

Buried – Here is an abbreviated list of phobias that might be triggered by Buried, the first English language feature from acclaimed Spanish director Rodrigo Cortés: claustrophobia (fear of restriction and suffocation), taphophobia (fear of being buried alive), achluophobia (fear of darkness), autophobia (fear of being alone), and ophidiophobia (fear of snakes). Paul Conroy (Ryan Reynolds), an American truck driver working in Iraq, regains consciousness after receiving a blunt blow to the head, only to find he’s been, yep, buried alive in a wooden coffin under several feet of desert sand. With only a cell phone, a lighter, and fuzzy memories of his convoy’s ambush, Paul attempts to lead rescuers to his grave through a series of frustrating calls to his government, his family, and the insurgents who put him there. A lesser actor wouldn’t have been able to carry the film, but Reynolds is sublime, conveying fear and resolve with every gasp of rapidly thinning air. —Victor Ozols

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger – If New York is Woody Allen’s one true love, then London, at least around the release of 2005’s Match Point, was his oversexed mistress, a place where the legendary filmmaker was able to “recharge his batteries.” This is precisely the effect that Charmaine (newcomer Lucy Punch) has on Alfie (Anthony Hopkins), who marries the young prostitute shortly after his divorce from Helena (Gemma Jones), his wife of 40 years, in You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger. Predictably, the spark soon fizzles between Alfie and Charmaine, not unlike Allen’s brief but exciting European affair. At its best, the film is a pleasant morality play focused on a warring British couple (Naomi Watts and Josh Brolin, as the Allen stand-in) and their extramarital conquests (Antonio Banderas and Freida Pinto, respectively). At its worst, this grass-is-always-greener tale of ennui and moral vacuity is Anything Else with an affected accent. —Nick Haramis

Howl – Poet Allen Ginsberg once wrote, “It isn’t enough for your heart to break because everybody’s heart is broken now.” It’s a kernel of wisdom that most biopics—so often manipulative and pandering—should heed, and it’s precisely what makes filmmakers Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman’s Howl such a frenetic, charged piece of cinematic poetry. The film is divided by three caesurae: the much-ballyhooed obscenity trial centered on Ginsberg’s Howl; an interview with the poet, whose every tic and quirk is brought to life by James Franco; and an impassioned coffeehouse reading of Howl set to out-of-time animation that champions all of the beauty and filth of the American classic. By focusing, as the title suggests, on the poem rather than the poet, one actually gets further into the mind of the man for whom a generation was “destroyed by madness.” —NH

Never Let Me Go – Most film adaptations of great literary works don’t deserve to share a title with their source material. Fortunately, Kazuo Ishiguro’s haunting disquisition on the future of medical science fell into the capable hands of director Mark Romanek (One Hour Photo) and screenwriter Alex Garland (28 Days Later, Sunshine). Centered on three students at a boarding school in England’s hinterlands, Never Let Me Go follows Tommy (Andrew Garfield), Ruth (Keira Knightley), and Kathy (Carey Mulligan) as they go about their seemingly charmed lives. From the onset, though, it’s clear there’s something unusual about the students, their school, and the mysterious squad of authority figures who monitor their every move. Ominous words like “donation” and “completion” are exchanged, and, as these living, breathing trial studies grow to maturity, we’re forced to examine exactly what constitutes a human life. With moving dramatic performances from the leads, the film humanizes a future that feels disturbingly, inevitably close. —Eiseley Tauginas

Enter the Void – For all its sweeping camera tricks and otherworldly lighting, Gaspar Noé’s latest orgy of muck and ire is hopelessly ugly. It will certainly draw criticism for its cheap, exploitative thrills: the first-person perspective in a head-on car collision, the unrelenting abortion scenes, and the inner-vaginal view of a penetrating penis. But despite its rampant adolescence, Enter the Void is also searching and soulful, a piecemeal memento mori of a young man’s troubled life after it is cut short during a botched drug deal. Wayward Oscar (Nathaniel Brown) is told that death is life’s greatest trip—something he experiences firsthand, moments after being shot by Japanese police, when his spirit considers his strong (and possibly incestuous) bond with his sister, Linda (Paz de la Huerta). Flawed and perhaps ill-paced—the film runs long at 150 minutes—Enter the Void is also a lighting bolt of visual mastery, jolting and unlike anything that’s come before it. —NH