It’s the weekend after Labor Day, the official start of the fall film season, and for the first time in a long while, there’s a lot of stuff in theaters that actually looks watchable. To help you choose what to see this weekend, I’ve created a guide based on broad stereotypes. Good luck!
Never Let Me Go See this if… ● You spent your summer vacations in the British countryside in the care of some distant aunt; you had some lost love affair there that makes you wax nostalgic. ● You always wished you’d spent your summers in the British countryside having love affairs. ● You are a middle-aged British man like my dad, who is obsessed with Charlotte Rampling. ● You are on a date with someone who wears cardigans, keeps a diary, and whose favorite photograph of him/herself involves light rain, tangly wet hair, and staring off into the distance.
Do not see if… ● You’ve seen the trailer, because it gives away the entire film and ruins all the surprises.
Easy A: See this if… ● You are a large group of high school kids sneaking rum-infused 20 oz. cokes into the theater because Mike F’s brother came through with his fake ID. There will be a lot of very broad humor and obvious sexual innuendo that you will find funny, but the girl sitting next to you probably won’t make out with you. ● You are a virgin. ● You are a middle-aged British man like my dad, who is obsessed with American high school movies because he never got to have a prom. ● Your best girlfriend from college is in town and you just want to put on sweats and eat popcorn like the old days.
Do not see if… ● You are a middle-aged man who wants to meet virgins.
The Town: See this if… ● You are from Boston and think anything to do with Boston is the best thing ever. When Fenway Park is shown during a movie, you clap uncontrollably. Also, you love Ben Affleck, even though you think he is a bit gay. ● You are not from Boston, but you think Boston accents are the funniest thing ever. ● You are a man like my dad who will see pretty much anything that involves guns and/or heists/robberies. ● You want to have sex with Jon Hamm, and don’t care that he has a small part in the film. All Hamm is good Hamm.
Do not see if… ● You have a vagina and aren’t from Boston and don’t think Boston accents are funny.
Catfish: See this if… ● You spend most of your life meeting women on the Internet. ● You spend most of your life fantasizing about spending your life meeting women on the Internet when all you really do is play world of Warcraft. ● You loved the Blair Witch Project. ● You are really upset that Craigslist closed their Adult Services
Do Not see this if… ● You are my dad.