Everyone’s favorite erotic Tumblr slash-fic inspiration—er, show about show choir—returns to FOX tonight. After a season full of after-school-special moments about the dangers of texting while driving; a weird, offensive episode about the importance of not being racist; a character’s suicide attempt being reduced to a subplot and a pair of sweet, redemptive moments in the form of an Adele mash-up and an actually nuanced and well-done and maybe sort of realistic? episode about losing your virginity and West Side Story, Season Four will begin with a lot of unanswered questions and two different timelines, one in Ohio and one in New York.
We know so far that Rachel (Lea Michele) is trying to make it in the big city at Apparently The Only Musical Theatre School in the Country, NYADA, where she has trouble adjusting and clashes with her dance instructor, played by Special Guest Star Kate Hudson. We know that Puck’s little brother is joining the Glee Club, Kurt becomes a Vogue intern under the direction of Sarah Jessica Parker, Sue has a kid now because of reasons and what, Puck’s little brother is joining the New Directions and Ryan Murphy’s new Super Best Friend NeNe Leakes is coming back. Here are my probably inaccurate and definitely not comprehensive predictions of other things that will happen this season.
- At least one Fame reference in the first episode.
- Kate Hudson will be surprisingly fun to watch and bring back that nice, refreshing dose of pure evil that made the show so fun to watch in its early days.
- Sue Sylvester refers to Tina Cohen-Chang as “Gangnam Style” in the first episode, because offensive is Sue’s shtick, or something and this would be offensive AND topical!
- Kurt and Blaine break up because long distance/that smarmy Sebastian guy. Kurt takes the news particularly hard, and in the midst of an alcohol-fueled spiral, sings The Smiths’ “There Is A Light (That Never Goes Out).”
- Following said breakup, Rachel, Kurt and recurring plot snag Jesse St. James (Jonathan Groff) start a romantic relationship. (YOU’RE WELCOME, TUMBLR.)
- Kristin Chenoweth comes back and destroys Mr. Schue’s engagement to Emma. Sadly, she fails, and there’s a terrible after-school special sequence about it.
- Rachel moves to Brooklyn; pals around with Surprise Guest Star Zosia Mamet. Word "hipster" thrown about way too casually.
- Following week is a Very Special Episode about the dangers of cocaine.
- Sue Sylvester gets embroiled in a scandal when the weird, unnecessary kid with the gossip blog catches her putting her new infant child atop the pyramid.
- Ryan Murphy completely abandons the show to immerse himself in his new gift-wrapped turd The New Normal and wins all the GLAAD awards.
- Darren Criss performs a highly inappropriate but somewhat tolerable routine to Prince’s “Darling Nikki” at some point and everyone is still shocked that you can say “masturbating” in primetime.
- The show finally, finally stops trying to make us care about anything happening in the life of Finn Hudson and ships him off to Afghanistan.
- A spinoff launches starring Rachel’s dads and it is infinitely better than The New Normal if only by virtue of national treasure Jeff Goldblum.
- I get frustrated with everything five minutes into the first episode, switch to whiskey and put the likely equally disappointing Bears-Packers game on instead. FOOTBALL.