Octomom Somehow Manages To Get Nominated For 4 AVN Awards

By all accounts, "Octomom" Nadya Suleman’s "solo" porn (that’s a polite way of saying "masturbation" porn) was awkward and disgusting. But Octomom: Home Alone has nevertheless been nominated for four different AVN Awards … which are like the porn industry’s Oscars.

According to Huffington Post, Suleman is up for Best Celebrity Sex Tape (come on now), Best Solo Release, Best DVD Extras, and Best Marketing Campaign. If by "marketing campaign" they meant "everyone in the country heard about her new porn career and felt terrible for her 14 kids and wondered why they have not been taken away by the child welfare services," then yes! It was the best in the country! 

I guess there was no Masturbating Topless Surrounded By Baby Onesies category?

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

Octomom Screens Clip Of Porn Film At NYC Drag Show

Drag queens can do no wrong, IMHO … except for what went down on Friday night. The "Hot Mess" drag revue at XL Nightclub in Hell’s Kitchen invited Octomom to screen her porn film. This is the same drag crowd who hosted Tanning Mom Patricia Krentcil, who got so wasted she fell over on the red carpet. 

Nadya Suleman has done anything and everything to try and support her 14 kids, from chatting with strangers on DialAStar.com to appearing in an adult film. At Friday’s drag revue, Octomom whipped out her boobs and pretended to nurse two plastic babies before switching to a bottle of vodka. And, RadarOnline breathlessly reports, Octomom "seemed a little embarrassed" by the sceening of her porn flick. 

Please, drag queens. Do not encourage people who abuse their children. There’s plenty of hotmes

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter and Tumblr.

Morning Links: Daniel Radcliffe’s Struggles With Alcohol, Octomom Doesn’t Hate Her Babies

● In the run-up to their wedding, Kim and Kris have taken up Bible studies in hopes of being taken seriously, said someone who knows. [TMZ] ● Daniel Radcliffe told GQ that there was a spell when he “became so reliant on [alcohol] to enjoy stuff.” He was lucky, he said, “because there were many instances when a paparazzi shot like that could have been taken,” you know, after one too many butter beers. [People] ● Selena Gomez knows how to make BF Justin Bieber relax. With thai food and games of patty cake, duh! [DigitalSpy]

● Unfortunate news for Gleeks: beloved transfer student Chord Overstreet will not be returning to Glee next season. [TVLine] ● Freshly single Paris Hilton has found herself a new boyfriend in Hangover director Todd Phillips. The two were caught kissing at a 4th of July party, where Phillips “looked like the cat who got the cream.” [DailyMail] ● Contrary to prior rumor, Octomom Nadya Suleman says she really doesn’t hate her babies. [TMZ]

Links: Heather Locklear vs. Ashlee Simpson, Rumer Willis as Lesbian

● Heather Locklear proves she’s still Queen B by getting Ashlee Simpson fired from the new Melrose Place. Evidently Locklear saw through her “wanna-be diva” ways, oh and “her lack of talent didn’t help” either. [PopCrunch] ● Jessica Simpson is looking for one of those intellectual boys because she can “bore out pretty easily.” [Us] ● You can’t say Nadya Suleman doesn’t have a sense of humor; the octo-mom dressed up as a pregnant nun accompanied by her octuplets dressed as little devils. [TheSun]

● Is Rumer Willis a lesbian? No, but she’ll play one on TV. The eldest Willis offspring is joining 90210 as a long-term love interest for Jessica Lowndes‘ character Adrianna. [JustJared] ● Tony Scott is attached to direct a film about Chippendales creator Steve Banerjee. [LatinoReview] ● Never one to miss a press-op, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt dressed up as Jon and Kate Gosselin for Halloween, clutching eight dolls as mock children. [Us]

‘Michael Vick Project’ Fills Void Between Gosselins & ‘Fear Factor’

Remember the good old days when an asshat who had landed himself in jail by committing horrific acts of animal abuse could be properly tarred and feathered? I mean in those days, we could paint a gigantic scarlet A on his door — for “asshat,” obviously. Then, as we’d pass by his house, we’d cover ours children’s eyes and ears and regard him with the cold alien distance that everyone did with Jackie Earle Haley’s character in Little Children. For the remainder of his natural life, this animal-abusing jerk would be a pariah. It would make the horrors Nicole Kidman goes through for much of Dogville appear tame and pleasant by comparison. Remember those days of just desserts? Apparently they are firmly behind us. Now we’re in the habit of rewarding horrible human beings with reality shows for their gruesome exploits. Thumbs up, America!

But maybe this is just the poetry of reality television, that after sorting through the Kelly Clarksons and Susan Boyles of the world, we finally come around to the venal parasites of mankind. The prototypes for this new kind of celebutard has been most evident with Jon Gosselin Ed Hardy-assisted bouts of douchebaggery, his wife’s predictably bitchy outbursts, and a clinically insane lady whose eight children the government has yet to snatch away. And obviously now, Michael Vick’s desperate stab at career revival.

Vick’s eight-part publicity escapade will serve as his comeback vehicle as he acclimates to life back with the Philadelphia Eagles. The show will also delve into his childhood traumas and attempt to justify why it makes sense that with his “difficult childhood” that he ended up running a dog-fighting ring. Because when life doesn’t hand you lemons, you naturally go and grab a few stray pit-bulls and make them fight to the death, knowing full well that at the end of the day, basic cable’s got your back.

Casting ‘Octo-Mom: The Musical’

imageNothing like an octopus to take our mind off pigs for about four seconds. Today, the zombies over at Radar wipe a bit of brain off their lips and report, “Casting is underway for Octo-Mom: The Musical.” Delicious! A feature-length musical should mint Nadya Suleman as an ironic gay icon the likes of which we hadn’t seen since last year, when Sarah Palin was terrorizing innocents everywhere. And because Octo-Mom: The Musical need not be an overdone odyssey that likens Suleman to an icon of Caribbean folklore most noted for his eight legs and deception. So how exactly should such a trainwreck play out?

Director. Appoint Andrew Lloyd Weber. If anything, his talent for drippy, maudlin musicals could temper public ire towards Suleman enough to get anyone to watch her life play out in song and trite story. Also, he should seriously consider this when determining/embellishing the musical’s plot.

Cast. Apart from Angelina Jolie, it looks like any self-respecting actor would do well to steer clear of this project. Luckily for frustrated casting directors, Maryland-based Tiffany Claus makes her living as an Angelina Jolie lookalike. For all we know, she may have the acting range of a plate of chicken nuggets. But that’s enough to portray someone like the womb raider. Other choices: Lindsay Lohan (remember: “self-respecting”), in a dark wig. As for the kids, Suleman’s probably got no qualms about leveraging her little ones as long as she gets a hefty cut of box-office profits. If not, the Lion King guys could always make fourteen elaborate paper cut-outs that vaguely look like confused children.

Soundtrack. In addition to Weber’s musical arrangements, contributions from Alan Menken, if only for his award-winning work on The Little Mermaid. And only if he can get Suleman’s character to deliver a barnstorming rendition of “Poor Unfortunate Souls.” Because, in this one-sided abusive relationship with Octo-Mom, that’s all we are and will ever be.

Octo-Mom Thisclose to Reality Show

imageOh, good. World’s Worst Mother Nadya Suleman is zeroing in on a reality show on an undisclosed network. Producers of this surefire Peabody Award-winner-to-be said that they’d like Suleman to do such mommylike tasks like load her litter into the 14-passenger van and drive to the end of the world to see how their cumulative overconsumption is creating a visceral tear in the ozone layer before heading off to celebrate Guy Fawkes Day or Solstice or whatever it is that octo-moms and their spawn tend to celebrate.

A living argument in favor of China’s one-child policy, Suleman says that she visits little what’s-his-name every day in the hospital — since at under five measly pounds, he’s too small to be released. Though it makes any sensible person shudder to think how her vanity eerily echoes a Simpsons episode from ages ago. Suleman’s reality show pay-out is contingent upon good ratings. Fingers crossed then that the “undisclosed network” isn’t NY1 or WE.

From Octo-Mom to RiBro: Pop Culture’s Economic Indicators

imageAccording to some pervy economist, we’re all going to continue consuming Goya products, canned Vienna sausages, and Netflix for another three years. Some of us may do so while wandering around our downtown dwellings with obtrusive wall decorations that may or may not recall the female anatomy, high on a party platter of trendy club drugs. Others will scamper around less glamorous, outer-borough digs, swatting at cockroaches with a stray stiletto we probably pilfered from a drag queen, high on Nyquil. But in this New Depression, no one has it harder than celebrities. Beacons of hope, inspiration, and virtue, their crotch-shots and cat-fights have kept the seams of our despairing world from unraveling entirely. So it makes sense to take time out and honor a few of the many who, like us, are toiling through their own fiscal hardships — even turning over a palm of gold when they can.

Britney Spears fires drug-using dancers. It appears the execs currently commandeering Britney Inc. have fired a trio of dancers who they suspect of drug use. Apparently it all has to do with the astronomical insurance rates that cover the singer’s tour. And while a nasty four-letter word like insurance wouldn’t faze past superstars who could do such things as bite off bat heads or be Marilyn Manson, in these dire times, even Britneycorp is looking to come out with some profits at the end of the circus. Although who knows if her insurance also covers full disclosure.

Nadya Suleman caves in to charity. Sure, her celebrity is debatable, but the Octo-Mom has managed to make something marginally relevant out of that waste of hypertext that’s the new Radar. And after turning down offers for free childcare and working litigious issues out by promising to come on air for Dr. Phil, she’s managed to string together a series of five-figure deals to net herself not only 24/7 childcare, but also a large house for her baker’s dozen-plus-one. The frayed string attached responsible for tugging Octo-Mom’s heart? Reality television! Now there’s an investment for the future. And she didn’t even need the expensive help of flacks, agents, or other middlemen.

Lady Gaga offers a recessionomic Róisín Murphy clone. Lady Gaga’s story is one that all of us upper-middle class creative spirits can yearn to mimic in our own way. But no matter how much we all love hearing “Poker Face” bleating through the headphones of the chongalicious cocktail waitress from Flushing while boarding a train at Times Square, something about Gaga’s style doesn’t mesh. It smacks too obviously of the avant-garde wardrobe decisions that Murphy has carefully tailored to fit her music. But where Murphy offers similarly avant-garde pop songs and emanates Gucci, Gaga offers accessible Top 40 hits and ends up exuding Forever 21. Which has apparently worked wonders, as she embarks on on a tour soon.

Chris Brown uses Rihanna to wipe up scandal, shame. And perhaps because he’s already got America’s supply of celebrity-handling flacks working overtime (thanks Nadya!) to repair his battered reputation and hasn’t the green to afford the handlers who maintain the image of our oligarchic politicos, Chris Brown is attempting to leverage Rihanna — who may not only be staying by his side for emotional reasons, but because single resident occupancy can get expensive these days — in a duet to convince us, the unwitting public, that they are truly in love and that he will never lay a finger on her again. And we, the unwitting public, will probably wonder what song can they cover, as creativity is expensive these days, and send out in lieu of a well-crafted press release. And then, still unwitting but now venomously cynical, the public will suggest everything from Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield” to Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” because we are just so defeated by Rihanna’s complicity.

Links: Joaquin Phoenix’s Project, Angelina Jolie vs. Octo-Mom, Trent Reznor vs. Britney Spears

● If you encounter Joaquin Phoenix (who’s in his Andy Kauffman stage right now) he will ask you to sign a film release, because his brother-in-law Casey Affleck and film crew are documenting his demise/art project wherever he goes. [DailyNews] ● Drew Barrymore is either playing the field or just very friendly. Barrymore, who was linked to Jason Segal, was seen greeting Hugh Grant with a full on make-out session. Well, Hugh is European. [P6] ● According to sources, even Angelina Jolie is creeped out by octo-mom Nadya Suleman’s obsession with Jolie. [LATBlog]

● The Jonas Brothers do Letterman’s Top Ten List; their purity remains intact while doing so. [Youtube] ● Christina Aguilera is reportedly collaborating with Ladytron for her new album, as she wants a softer sound. [MyParkMag] ● Trent Reznor has said it’s been a “treat” rehearsing next to Britney Spears for their mutual tours; not understanding Reznor’s sarcasm, Spears’ manager suggests he should remix “Circus” for her. [DigitalSpy]