Following Edward Snowden Modeling Pics Leak, BlackBook Uncovers 5 Other Political Figures’ Modeling Pasts

Edward Snowden

Photo via Ryot.org

Yesterday photos leaked that showed controversial whistleblower Edward Snowden’s modeling past. We would never have guessed such an influential political figure made such a cute (albeit twinkish) male model, so we did some digging and uncovered some other men in politics that have had surprising (and sexy) secret modeling pasts.

 

Vladimir Putin for Versace 

Vladimir Putin

 

Anderson Cooper for Vivienne Westwood

Anderson Cooper

 

Mitt Romney for Calvin Klein

Mitt Romney

 

Joe Biden for Polo Ralph Lauren

Joe Biden

 

Thomas Jefferson for Versace

Thomas Jefferson

All artwork by Alexander Cavaluzzo

Coping with the Election: Five Tattoos in Two Days

As each new news day brings me a bit closer to the reality of President Romney, I seek distraction. I found some last weekend at Magic Cobra Tattoo Society and Three Kings, where I got five tattoos in two days. The pain that I’m used to distracted me from the debates. I keep wondering what kind of retarded hermit could be "undecided" at this point. It seems that Ohio will decide it all, and I rue that day when people in Ohio decide my fate. I spent a year in Cleveland one night and Akron made Cleveland seem like Vegas. Don’t get me started on Cincinnati.

I remember that horrible election night when Bush beat Gore or whatever happened. I was at Spa where we were hosting Hillary Clinton’s victory bash. Ben Affleck was there, and I kept bringing him into the office where Florida was the decider. By the way, Mr. Affleck is the nicest guy in the world. He was in tears as victory turned into defeat. Now I am fearful again. It seems like déjà vu, and no amount of ink will save me, although I’m getting another  tattoo this weekend. For this election, I will head to White Rabbit, 145 E. Houston St., to pray as WashMachine presents Electoral Ruckus. My pal Joy Rider is part of the crew hosting this affair, and she always delivers and has a nice shoulder for me to cry on if it comes to that. Not sure what’s happening at the event, but here’s what they say:

Hot wire the coverage, hijack the commercials, and re-edit real time: live audio/video manipulation of Election Day TV broadcasts by sound artist Jason Candler and experimental filmmaker Jimi Pantalon. Making your vote count all night long w/ DJs Cru Jones and The Butcha.

This sounds like fun. Until then I’ll check out my pal Clair Reilly-Roe at Aroma Espresso Bar, 161 W. 72nd St., tonight at 8pm or probably head back to Magic Cobra for a Hope tattoo. I was there the other night for the Paul Nathan book signing event hosted by Sailor Jerry Rum. Joe Truck, who owns the joint but now spends most of his time out west, and I compared notes on old places and old friends. It seems like we have been in the same room at the same time a zillion times. And it’ll probably happen again since I saw this killer Picasso tattoo he did and now I want it. My regular artist at the shop Adam Korothy is off to New Orleans for a convention. I’m very worried, and there aren’t enough tattoos or Sailor Jerry Rum or singers at coffee shops to calm me down. Halloween might help…more on that tomorrow.

Comedian Rob Ryan Ponders the GOP’s Loss to Obama

We’re fond of New York comedian Rob Ryan, who first popped up on our radar two years ago with a hilarious parody of Jay-Z’s "Empire State of Mind" entitled "Newark State of Mind." So impressive was the effort that we asked him to take another crack at a Jay-Z tune earlier this year. He obliged, releasing "Lenox Hill Glory" on January 13, a lighthearted take on how the music industry’s most powerful couple took over one of the city’s busiest hospitals to welcome their little bundle of joy. Now Ryan’s at it again, this time getting inside republicans’ heads as they contemplate just how they got so clobbered by the democrats in the general election. The video’s entitled "Why the GOP Lost the Election" and it’s funny. Take a look

The slickly-produced skit, which enlists the help of a half-dozen of his friends, shows the GOP’s braintrust sitting around a conference room table questioning how they lost so many vital voting blocs, from women (too many insenstive comments about rape?) to Latinos (running on an immigration platform centered on making Mexicans’ lives miserable?). If the real Romney and crew watch this video, perhaps they’ll spend a few months soul-searching, emerging this spring with a unifying message that motivates both their base and their historical adversaries to support the Grand Old Party. But we’re not holding our breath. 

[Related: Funny New York: Surviving and Thriving in the City of Stand Up]

Gaming Today’s Obama-Romney Lunch

You’re likely aware that this afternoon—perhaps even as you’re read this—President Obama and the vanquished fragment of corporate software that calls itself Mitt Romney are sitting down to lunch in the White House together. With the Tea Party’s plans to obstruct the Electoral College falling apart on, ahem, their divergence from what the Constitution actually says, this is Romney’s last, best chance to make a play for the Oval Office. What’s his strategy?

Of course he and his strategists will have come up with an ideal lunch order. The White House menu is very flexible: he could probably get just about anything on his plate by asking. The chef, Cristeta Comerford, hails from the Philippines, so this may be the time to meet Obama head-on with a spicy order that evokes his native Pacific Rim. Comerford has also spent time in Vienna, meaning Romney could catch Obama wrong-footed with a request for Topfenstrudel.

Then there’s the conversation. It’s no secret that Obama detests Romney personally and has better things to do than engage in wanton etiquette; he’ll keep his comments terse and practical. This gives Romney an opening to spin a few longer yarns, tell a shaggy-dog joke or three, really dominate the room’s airwaves. That’s the sort of tactic that might not play well with whoever’s waiting to clear the table, however. What’s certain is that both candidates will seek total control of the condiments, which most observers would agree is crucial. If either man comes out of it with mustard on his tie, well, there’s always 2016.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

Disheveled, Own-Gas-Pumping Romney Goes Viral

Remember when the embattled politician remarked, upon his loss in a 1962 gubernatorial race, that “You don’t have Nixon to kick around anymore,” and then fifty years later—twenty years after his death, even—we were still making fun of him? Mitt Romney may be meditating on just these circumstances after Redditor mkb59 posted a sad candid photo of him pumping gas in La Jolla, California.

General dishevelment and lack of handlers/security aside, check out the look on Romney’s face—it’s one of weary recognition. It’s the expression worn by a man who severely miscalculated his ability to slip back into the fabric of Rich America undetected. He was so caught up with making it to the finish line that he didn’t consider the loser’s fate: to stalk this land, even the bits of it he owns, as a ghost.

Personally, I think Romney said and did enough despicable, vile things to justify a prolonged ridicule. Why, just last week he claimed he lost because Obama gave certain key demographics “gifts”:

“With regards to the young people, for instance, a forgiveness of college loan interest, was a big gift,” he said. “Free contraceptives were very big with young college-aged women. And then, finally, Obamacare also made a difference for them, because as you know, anybody now 26 years of age and younger was now going to be part of their parents’ plan, and that was a big gift to young people. They turned out in large numbers, a larger share in this election even than in 2008.”

In other words: DEMOCRATS CHEATED BECAUSE THEY ENACTED POLICIES THAT PEOPLE LIKED, whereas Republicans should have won because they had lots of money and unfocused anger on their side! It’s comments like these you should keep in mind when you start to feel any pity for this man. Instead, imagine him looking at the gas prices and knowing deep down in the darkest chambers of his heart that he has no clue how one might lower them.

Politico Once Again Incapable Of Relevance

Over the course of the 2012 elections, Politico proved itself over and over to be one of the most vacuous, false-equivalence-spouting, stupidly anecdotal, hand-wringing, unscientific and completely myopic outlets for horserace coverage out there. And that’s really saying something, when you consider these morons were also getting paid to publicly characterize the campaigns. (Maybe the fourth estate could stand to be a bit smaller? Just a thought.)

And now, at a time when most newspapers and magazines are taking a look at how Romney lost and Obama won, how the former cut his staffers’ credit cards off and how the latter might lead in a second term, Politico chooses to rehash a would-be viral story from weeks ago: the guy who got the Romney-Ryan logo tattooed on his face. Oh yeah, him! I’d forgotten all about that dude, just like any normal human should have. But even then, in this piece that’s designed to gloat and mock a clearly deranged individual for a few hundred pageviews, they can’t get it right. Check out that headline: “So, maybe that Romney face tattoo wasn’t such a good idea … ” What, you think so? Jesus, I hope you didn’t keep the fact-checkers too busy with that one. Then, this lede: “With the election over, supporters of Mitt Romney have to pack up their campaign signs and paraphernalia and get on with their lives. But what if you can’t get rid of that stuff? Literally.”

Incredible. It’s as if they were typing this up in Microsoft Word and the little paperclip character showed up and went “Hi! It looks like you’re trying to write a blog post from a few weeks ago just to ridicule a guy who has not yet begun to understand how his unexamined actions will dog and haunt him throughout his life, when you could have attempted actual analysis of current events. Can I help?” and then just filled in the rest. Great job, Politico! Now we know you’re as bad as aping Gawker as you are at everything else.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

‘Sesame Street’ Plans Post-Hurricane Sandy Episode

Even though Romney’s loss has washed away fears that PBS funding could be cut, it seems that Big Bird still has some worries down on Sesame Street. The show has announced a very special hurricane-themed episode, which airs on Friday, and it’ll lend some awareness to disaster relief. Never too early to teach kids how to help out, I’d say.

Per the Sesame Street tumblr:

A hurricane has swept through Sesame Street and everyone is working together to clean up the neighborhood. When Big Bird checks on his home, he is heartbroken to find that the storm has destroyed his nest. Big Bird’s friends and neighbors gather to show their support and let him know they can fix his home, but it will take time. While everyone on Sesame Street spends the next few days cleaning up and making repairs, Big Bird still has moments where he is sad, angry, and confused. His friends help him cope with his emotions by talking about what happened, drawing pictures together, and giving him lots of hugs. They also comfort Big Bird by offering him temporary places he can eat, sleep, and play. Big Bird remembers all the good times he had at his nest and realizes that once it is rebuilt, there are more good times and memories to come. Finally the day has come where most of the repairs to Big Bird’s home are done and his nest is complete. As he is about to try it out, though, the city nest inspector says it not safe, yet, because the mud isn’t dry. Big Bird is sad that he has to wait another day, but Snuffy comes to the rescue and blows the nest dry and he passes the test! Big Bird thanks everyone for being his friend and helping to rebuild his nest and his home.

Usually I’d bemoan a spoiler, but this sounds like a pretty sweet episode all-around. 

Follow Tyler Coates on Twitter.

Fox News Anchors Collectively Lose Their Minds During Romney Defeat

I’m sleepy today, as I stayed up way too late watching Republicans freak the hell out over the idea of having a black guy in charge of things for another four years (and, you know, the concept that rape victims shouldn’t be forced to keep their unwanted children because even unwanted babies need the love of Our Heavenly Father and should carry the stigma of their conception forever). But it was worth it, because last night’s Fox News coverage was art. Art. With a capital A! 

Luckily, The Daily Beast has a good collection of the best moments, including the one in which Karl Rove was like, "No. No. No. Unpossible. This can’t be happening. NOT TO THE WHITE GUYS!" and Bill O’Reilly lamenting the fact that people with accents and limp wrists and vaginas might actually have some sway over how this country moves forward. But for my money, there’s nothing better than watching hottie anchor Megyn Kelly wander around the Fox News HQ in an effort to prolong the admission that her beloved Mitt Romney lost the race. 

Follow Tyler Coates on Twitter.

Follow The ‘Republican Tears’ Twitter Account Tonight

Obama’s got this election in the bag, baby, and now the 24-hour cable news drones have got to spend the entire day pretending that it’s going to be remotely close. Pretty boring and deliberately uninformative stuff! It’d be more fun to keep tabs on the hyperventilating conservatives who don’t believe in math but do have baffling, anecdote-based faith in a Romney landslide. That’s where @GOP_Tears comes in.

A beautifully curated list of all the most craven and swinish commentators, pundits and bloggers, from Michelle Malkin to Karl Rove, Donald Trump and Dana Loesch, ‘Republican Tears’ funnels all possible right-wing idiocy into a resplendent cascade without you having to follow any such undesirable personalities for real. Each will be faced with the flimsiness of their smug yet pie-eyed predictions this evening.

The feed promises to ‘follow the GOP meltdown in real time!’ And as the results start rolling in, that is exactly what we’ll be seeing. One especially looks forward to hysterical accusations of voter fraud and intimidation, seething racism, demands for a recount, and Karl Rove calling Ohio—and by extension the whole fight—for the incumbent president. Oh, it’ll be a glorious collision of reality and fantasy. Won’t you join us?

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.