Today in Celeb Sex Tapes: Minka Kelly

Minka Kelly, who is someone I have never heard of (I still haven’t watched Friday Night Lights, SORRY. While we’re on the subject, don’t ruin Battlestar Gallactica for me since I plan on catching up on that in, oh, ten years or so. Seriously, I’m still on Season Five of Cheers), apparently has a sex tape. This is big news for fans of nude celebrities and underage girls as, supposedly, the video was filmed just shy of Kelly’s 18th birthday.

TMZ, those sex-tape experts, claim that the video is 30 minutes long and "is shot in a semi-professional manner. The camera is secured by a tripod and hooked up to a TV monitor, so both Minka and the BF can watch the action they create. Minka is very aware of the camera." Kelly’s ex-boyfriend is the one who’s currently shopping around the video, which also features the actress dancing and singing along to two songs from Brandy’s 1998 album Never Say Never, which, if you do the math (I did not), was released just sixteen days before Kelly’s 18th’s birthday.

First of all: don’t make a sex tape. See? Problem solved! Now, if you’re a Brandy super-fan like Kelly was supposedly, maaaaybe you might think it a good idea to get all crazy down in New Mexico with your potentially shitty boyfriend and make what sounds like the most boring underage porn ever. Although, honestly, how fishy does all of this sound? Do you think this is some viral marketing campaign for Minka Kelly who, as far as I’m concerned, just looks like a poor man’s Leighton Meester? Or perhaps it was just a slow-burn attempt to get us all talking about Brany again, in which case: mission accomplished. 

Morning Links: Derek Jeter & Minka Kelly Seemingly Back On, Beyoncé Is Probably Still Pregnant

● Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly were caught out and about and looking pretty couple-y in Paris over the holidays. Are they back on in 2012? [Huff Post]

● Beyoncé was still very pregnant when she was spotted out in Brooklyn for a New Year’s Eve dinner with Jay-Z. Our money’s on a January 4th baby, 4 being her favorite number. [Gothamist]

● Aretha Franklin is engaged to her "lifelong friend" Willie Wilkerson. But no, the 69-year-old Queen of Soul assures she is not pregnant. [RS]

● The now bang-ing Kim Kardashian has resolved to always follow her heart in 2012. "I think I’ll never stop doing that," she says. [Us]

● Courtney Stodden’s New Years resolution is to, uh, read more books. [DailyMail]

● Octomom Nadya Suleymon needs a new manager stat, as her old team has up and quit, claiming mostly that she was "unmanageable." "We no longer wanted a part of any of it and we feel sorry for the children," they said. [TMZ]

● Demi Moore is slotted to play feminist activist Gloria Steinham in the upcoming Lucy Lovelace biopic. [Variety]

Morning Links: R.E.M. Breaks Up, Lars von Trier’s Not Sorry

● After nearly three decades, R.E.M. has “decided to call it a day.” [R.E.M.] ● Doug Hutchinson and his 17-year-old child-bride Courtney Stodden want to host a reality TV show that will “show people what they can teach each other from different generations.” That thirty year age difference is not looking any less weird… [E!] ● A Charlie’s Angels crew member was fired for inappropriately touching Minka Kelly. “Please don’t ever disrespect me or any other woman like that again,” she yelled after he grabbed her butt. [NYP]

● Lifetime has opted not to renew Roseanne’s Nuts, that show you’re probably not watching about Rosanne Barr’s macadamia nut farm. [Vulture] ● Lars von Trier is not sorry for his Nazi comments at Cannes, and he also won’t be apologizing. “But I can’t be sorry for what I said,” he explains in this month’s GQ, “it’s against my nature.” [GQ] ● Ryan Gosling needed thirteen of those iconic leather scorpion jackets to get through Drive. [Grantland]

Morning Links: Derek Jeter & Minka Kelly Break Up, Justin Bieber Is Putting Out a Christmas Album

● Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly have split up, marking what’s more or less the first newsworthy moment in their nearly three-year relationship. [NYDN] ● The battle between Chris Brown and his neighbors has escalated – now they’re trying to get Brown in trouble with his probation officer for “incessantly” parking in handicapped spaces. The judge, unfortunately for the neighbors, doesn’t seem to care. [TMZ] ● Kim and Kris’s post-wedding trip to the Amalfi Coast — a trip they seem to be enjoying — is only a little honeymoon. “We want to take our big honeymoon later,” says Kardashian, who has dreams of palm trees and tequila sunrises. [People]

● Justin Bieber announced yesterday that he’ll be releasing a Christmas album for charity, which is actually big news because 1. he’s really only ever put out 1.6 albums (My World/My World 2.0/My World Accoustic and the Never Say Never remixes, which was mostly songs from My World still) and 2. this means we can start thinking about our Christmas lists! [Vulture] ● Write a joke for Saturday Night Live, make a $100 dollars. Easy? This guy’s written 1,1000 and they’ve bought just one. Day jobs aren’t so bad. [WSJ] ● Lil Wayne isn’t worried about Jay-Z and won’t be mad if you don’t like his new album. Because really, it’s all relative! “I know for a fact music is about perception. You can’t do anything but perceive what you hear. I know that for a fact. So I can’t ever be upset about someone’s reaction,” he told Vibe. [Vibe]

Minka Kelly Joins Cast of Charlie’s Angels

Minka Kelly has officially earned her wings as the third and final angel in ABC’s upcoming pilot for the revamped Charlie’s Angels series. The former Friday Night Lights actress, who is also Derek Jeter’s fiancée and Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive, will join General Hospital star Annie Ilonzeh and Transformers’ Rachael Taylor to round out the new crime fighting trio.

Kelly will take on the role of Marisa, a Marine weapons expert with some serious combat skills, while Ilonzeh and Taylor will play characters Kate and Abby. Together the ladies will take a bite out of crime in Miami, instead of Los Angeles, which was the setting in ABC’s original version of the show. (Here’s hoping they finally put a stop to that psycho Dexter.) Drew Barrymore, who starred in the 2000 big screen adaptation of Charlie’s Angels, will produce the new series. Minka Kelly’s post-Friday Nights Lights gigs include a recurring role on NBC’s Parenthood and an upcoming feature in The Roommate, alongside Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester. Good for her.

Links: Fergie Renews Vows With Stripper-Loving Husband; World’s First Sex Robot Premieres

The New York Daily News gossip page doesn’t need jokes, because this is a real headline: “Stripper cheating allegations behind them, Fergie and Josh Duhamel renew wedding vows.” [Daily News] ● Comedian Aziz Ansari sent a Facebook message to a girl who called him a “giant douchebag” in a Twitter update. “Are you basing this on characters I play on TV?” he asked. “That is pretend.” [ONTD] ● Yankees star Derek Jeter will marry actress Minka Kelly on November 5th. A New York Post “reporter” scored the scoop by sneaking into the “reception palace” pretending to be a bride-to-be. Is that journalism or Drew Barrymore movie? [NY Post]

● The “world’s first sex robot” debuted at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo, featuring five “girlfriend personalities” and a $7,000-$9,000 price tag. Its creator claims his inspiration was 9/11; the terrorists win. [Gearlog] ● You can now watch video of Kate Gosselin’s 20-hour hair makeover, though the clip is condensed to under 4 minutes because Andy Warhol is dead. As are art and culture, apparently. [The Sexist]