By now, you have heard the sad, stunning news: Minnesotan presidential hopeful and professional laughingstock Michele Bachmann will not run for reelection to the U.S. House in 2014. It’s hard to imagine someone so obstructive and ignorant anywhere but in congress, isn’t it? Here are a few new careers she ought to think about, assuming she flunks the multiple-choice test all would-be Fox News pundits have to take.
TV Episode Recapper: We can never get enough of these, right? Bachmann’s idiotic gloss on the topics of the day, from climate change to same-sex marriage, achieved a kind of artistry I would love to see applied to the Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Verizon Customer Service Operator: People are always complaining about the impenetrable accents of the people supposed to help you over the phone. Bachmann’s gratingly clear voice should put that annoyance in perspective.
Lady Yelling Encouragement From Sideline Of Soccer Game Even Though None Of The Kids Playing Are Hers: Not really a job per se, but I can’t stop imagining this.
Tax Lawyer: Wasn’t she always going on about how she used to be one, even though taxes = bad and Real America shouldn’t have to pay them? It doesn’t sound remotely plausible, but a great choice if she feels like upping her cognitive dissonance factor some more.
Seller Of Official Government Paraphernalia On eBay: Have a strong feeling she’s way ahead of me on this one.
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Last month, Questlove and the Roots performed a snippet of Fishbone’s “Lyin’ Ass Bitch" as the walk-on music for Michele Bachmann’s appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. It didn’t take much foresight or perception to realize that this would spark controversy (although it did take a lot of the latter to recognize the song that the Roots were playing), and naturally the Bachmann camp was outraged. Fallon tweeted and later gave an oral apology, and the AP reports NBC’s vice president for late night programming Doug Vaughan sent the Congresswoman a hand-written letter expressing his regret.
Many people (read: folks who have never heard the Roots or seen the show) demanded the band be fired. This would be a preposterous move, even for the network that continues to air Whitney, as Questlove and the Roots are probably the best thing about Late Night. The show has been performing well in all the key demographics and much of that has to do with the subconscious thought shared by viewers, “Hey, if the Roots are willing to sit there and watch it, Late Night must be pretty good.”
Instead of buckling under pressure, NBC has decided to punish Questlove and the Roots with something worse than a pink slip: red tape. Rolling Stone reports that Questlove “must now clear every walk-on song with three different people.”
Questlove understands, telling the AP, "It was kind of wrong for me to throw (NBC) under the bus without telling them what it was, so I understand from a business standpoint.”
Soon, Bachmann will drop out of the presidential race and the Late Night incident will live on only as a question in the entertainment category of next decade’s edition of Trivial Pursuit. Still, Questlove will be fighting with three TV executives to play “Brown Eyed Girl” for Salma Hayek’s walk-on, despite their objections of the term “brown eyed.”
● She’s Jenny From the Block, but not that block. Word has it that J-Lo’s new Fiat commercial, purported to be set in the Bronx–the place that "inspires" her, taught her to "be tougher"–was actually shot 2,000 miles away in LA. [NYDN]
● Jimmy Fallon used Twitter to apologize to presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann after The Roots intro-ed her appearance on Monday night’s show with a rather pointed song called "Lyin’ Ass Bitch." "I really hope she comes back," Fallon tweeted, adding that The Roots’ Questlove is "grounded." [Huff Post]
● Auctioners have come across some particularly personal items while clearing out Michael Jackson’s "death house," including a chalkboard still with a message from one of his children that reads, heartbreakingly, "I love Daddy. Smile, it’s for free!" [TMZ]
● FX and Amy Poehler have picked up Broad City, the beloved web series that brought ‘boob bumping‘ into the world. [Deadline]
● If you are looking for Jake Gyllenhaal, you might try the New York subways, his preferred method of transportation. How pedestrian chic! [Jezebel]
● Especially gaunt these days, Angelina Jolie says that she "often forgets to eat," and has dropped down to 97 pounds. The world’s weight doesn’t count, a girl needs to eat! [NYP]
President Obama has been known to be one step ahead of the pack in terms of "cool guy insults." First, he killed Osama Bin Laden like a whole two days after shutting up ‘Birthers’ about where his birth certificate was. Secondly, he just has a knack for saying "Y’all are trippin’" (obviously, in more delicate terms) when Republican leadership gets out of hand in accusing him of everything wrong in this country. But with this next quip, he took the metaphorical cake. If Republican dreams should happen to be made out of metaphor-cake, they had better be listening.
Obama recently told the Hispanic newshub Univision that he would run Republican primary quotes ‘verbatim’ (that means ‘word-for-word’ for all you unscholared folk) just so that voters knew how inept the GOP frontrunner(s) sounded. This wouldn’t be too hard of an issue given that Rick Perry infamously forgot which three government entities he’d eradicate, or the fact that Herman Cain is embroiled in a sex scandal five women deep. This is also a choice statement from Obama given that Michelle Bachmann couldn’t get a moderate vote if she had the words "Free Tacos" tattooed on her eyelids and Jon Huntsman remains the Rodney Dangerfield of the primaries, in that he can’t get no respect. It is"shots fired," as they say.
Will Obama win? Will Republicans get their narrative straight? Tell us what you think in the comments. Or don’t! Merely think it towards the page and surely it will translate itself there (but really, tell us what you think in the comments).
● David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are “taking time apart” after 14 years of marriage — minus the few months back in 2008 when Duchovny checked into sex-rehab. [TMZ] ● Shia LaBeouf “nodded affirmatively” when asked if he hooked up with Megan Fox while working on Transformers. “I think you can see the chemistry onscreen,” he said. “It was what it was.” True or not, he’s totally cool with you thinking that he did. [Details] ● Ten years after their debut, No Doubt are readying a new album that’s slated for the end of summer. Rolling Stone reports that the still-untitled album is a “party-ready reggae blast featuring Stefani’s toasting skills.” Which, except for the part where everyone in the band is ten years older, sounds a lot like a No Doubt album. [RS]
● Tom Petty really wishes Michele Bachmann would quit using “American Girl” as her campaign song. And thus begins the season of embarrassed musicians and even more embarrassed politicians. [Politico] ● Lady Gaga’s launched a Tumblr, where she’s been posting photos and quotes. Have at those “likes,” little monsters. [AmenFashion] ● Rachel Zoe’s baby already dresses better than you. This photo of him in sunglasses is surely just the beginning. [E!]