Morning Links: Mila Kunis’ Hacked Phone Reveals Timberlake Pics, Jay-Z’s Secret Son

● Scarlett Johansson wasn’t the only one baring all yesterday. Apparently Mila Kunis’ phone was also hacked, and on it were several “seductive” pics of her avowed not-boyfriend Justin Timberlake. There’s even one where he’s got a pair of pink panties on his head. Sounds like love! [TMZ] ● Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz are done for good. According to Page Six, all their dates were at the gym and he’s been trying to get out of the relationship “for weeks.” [Page Six] ● Guys, White House crashing Real Housewife Michaele Salahi was totally not kidnapped; she just forgot to tell her husband that she has a new boyfriend. And that he is the guitarist from Journey… [TMZ]

● Kanye West’s one part puppet, one part Kim Kardashian, several parts ugly sweater Comedy Central show looks so hilarious, though it never made it to air. This behind-the-scenes clip eases the pain. [PopDust] ● Did Jay-Z have a secret baby nine years ago with a model from Trinidad? Probably! But he already gave her $1 million and Beyoncé knows, too. [DailyMail] ● Making amends with Rick Ross is as simple as buying his pal DJ Khaled “a couple steaks.” At least for Kreayshawn it was. Who says diplomacy can’t work? [UpRoxx]

Links: Taylor Lautner Gay Rumors, Michaele Salahi’s New $500,000 Price Tag

• To kick start your God-hearting Sunday round-up: No one can confirm whether Taylor Lautner enjoys intimate male companionship, but it won’t stop everyone else from speculating. Because Lautner in this age of celebrity obsession is comparable to flecks of gold in 1849. [Queerty] • Have a look-see at Heidi Klum Samuel’s new baby pictures. [Us] • Newest date on Chris Brown’s Press Tour of Half-Assed Apologies: A stint on 20/20! [EW.com]

• Well done, soulless spenders! Black Friday spending rose year-to-year. But only slightly [WSJ] • A particularly eloquent Susan Boyle insists that she is not verging on mania. And we’d do well to leave her be. [DigitalSpy] • Girlband Watch: The tween daughters of Lil’ Wayne and T.I. have joined forces to create OMG Girlz. Have a listen to the first single. [NYMag‘s Vulture] • Proof that her peroxide weave’s grown inward and currently maintains a constricting hold of her brain is Heidi Montag-grade celebutard Michaele Salahi’s new price tag for a chance to chat with her and her man-bride: $500,000. [CBS News]

White House Party Crasher Michaele Salahi: A Classier Heidi Montag?

You may have heard of how some well-connected nobodies from Virginia were able to slip through the cracks in the White House and gain entry into Tuesday’s state dinner for the Indian prime minister. And how, ohmygod, the Secret Service is so embarrassed in the wake of such a gaffe. Meanwhile the rest of us remain perturbed (and jealous?) that all it took was perhaps a little string-pulling on the inside such an elite event. It turns out, the couple was more interested in trying to ride this stunt (spearheaded by Michaele Salahi alone probably) into a plum spot in Bravo’s The Real Housewives of DC than in the actual meeting with President Obama himself. This is all to say that somewhere in Salahi’s head of bleach-blond head of hair, there are strands of just another flash-in-the-pan fameball.

While this will no doubt bring on the neologism Michaeled, as in “Dude, I totally Michaeled that über-exclusive gala at the MOMA!” perhaps what we have is basically an evolved incarnation of Heidi Montag. Like Montag, Salahi’s someone whose primary sustenance is fame and attention. Unlike Montag, Salahi is well-mannered, well-educated, and well-spoken. All traits that allowed her to slip through the gatekeepers at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. A cursory glance at her Facebook page reveals many disturbing discoveries.

• In her own unique lexicon, Michaele Salahi conflates “crashing a party” with “being invited to a party.” Note:

• Over 10,000 people admit to being “fans” of her. Disturbing because when cross-referenced with a Wikipedia entry about her “achievements”, Salahi visibly offers no service or product. Most of her high-profile affiliations appear alleged or imagined:

Both the Washington Redskins and Victoria’s Secret have publicly stated that she has never worked for them.

• Mounting delusion about her value in society as a cultural ambassador.

• Salahi is described as being “a former model”; this may be proof, although it is unclear which of the following she is modeling: (1) her gown; (2) the boat; (3) the ocean; or (4) the fancy piece of architecture behind her.

• She’d also feel at home wedged between Hoda and Kathie-Lee.

While Montag tends to antagonize the people she secretly wants employing her or just handing her fistfuls of cash money, Salahi respects and understands the value of high-powered friends and legitimate paychecks. Which is why she’s not above sneaking into the White House. Essentially, a woman of such cunning and design should be sealed away inside a mental hospital, not behind camera crews for 8-12 months. Please ignore this train wreck and move along, Andy Cohen.