Michael Lohan Is Writing A Stupid Book

If O.J. Simpson can write If I Did It, I suppose Michael Lohan can write his addiction memoir / parenting guide / tell-all whatever. But really, shouldn’t we be spared? 

TMZ regretfully reports that Michael Lohan’s no-doubt-severely underpaid ghostwriter is penning a book titled, I’m Not Daddy Dearest: If I Can Turn It All Around, You Can Too

What he means by "turns it all around" is apparently open to interpretation, as the Michael Lohan who served jail time, allegedly abused his ex-wife Dina, and neglected his children during Lindsay’s youth seems a lot like the Michael Lohan who serves jail time, allegedly abused his current girlfriend Kate Major, and neglects his children today. 

Dina Lohan is supposedly also at work on her own "scathing memoir," although what these two dummies could have to say about their personal lives that we don’t already know is unclear.

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

Linkage: Lindsay Lohan Might Be an Escort, Jessica Simpson Can’t Stop Bonin’, & a Kris Kross Reunion

If you’re wondering how the hell Lindsay Lohan can get away with jetting across the globe and staying in fancy hotels with nothing but money from Playboy shoots and Lifetime movies, here’s a possible explanation on where she gets her money: she might be working as a high-class escort for the rich and not-so-famous. Some of her alleged clients include Prince Haji Abdul Azim, third in line of the throne of Brunei (which is a real place, not like Genovia), and painter Domingo Zapata. Of course, these allegations come from her scumbag father, Michael Lohan, so take them with a couple shakers of salt. [Radar]

Nicole Kidman is on the cover of The Hollywood Reporter, and she dishes about Scientology—sort of. When pressed, she’ll say only: ‘I’ve chosen not to speak publicly about Scientology. I have two children [adopted with Cruise] who are Scientologists—Connor [the Red Dawn actor is now 17] and Isabella [20]—and I utterly respect their beliefs.’” The cover story also revels that Modern Family’s Sophia Vergara was director Lee Daniels’s first choice for Kidman’s role in The Paperboy, so just imagine that crazy lady doing her own hair and makeup and peeing on Zac Efron. [THR]

Jessica Simpson, as always, is both a good indicator of the failures of sex education in this country and an example of how annoying celebrities can be if their publicists can’t get them to shut the hell up. The occasional singer and sometimes actress told Jay Leno last night that she’d like to get married to fiancé Eric Johnson, with whom she has one child and a second on the way, but, in her words, “he keeps knocking me up.” [Fox News]

Sarah Jessica Parker replaced Demi Moore as Gloria Steinem in the upcoming Lovelace, premiering at Sundance, after Moore’s hospitalization for exhaustion early last year. It turns out it was all for naught: Steinem’s role in the film has been cut. [EW]

Because of money, NBC is going to roll poor Betty White out again and make her watch a bunch of people “pay tribute” to her for Betty White’s 2nd Annual 90th Birthday Special. The party’s guest list includes folks like Blake Shelton, Bill Clinton, and Larry King, because who else could possibly ruminate on all of Betty White’s achievements as an old actress who still makes dirty jokes when forced to read from cue cards in front of a TV camera? [Deadline]

Kris Kross are getting back together because they left a lot of things unsaid, a lot of pants unsagged, and also realized how much of a boner everyone has for the ’90s. [Vulture]

Does keeping a “princess-free” household promote feminist ideals in children or just keep them from having fun? [Jezebel]

Die Hard director John McTiernan is headed to jail for a year and must pay a $100,000 fine. And no, it’s not because he directed that Rollerball remake. [Indiewire]

R.I.P., old guy from old TV show. [TMZ]

Follow Tyler Coates on Twitter

Personal Faves: Lindsay Lohan’s Wild Ride

Instead of ending the year with a slew of Best Of lists, BlackBook asked our contributors to share the most important moments in art, music, film, television, and fashion that took place in 2012. Here, Jennifer Wright details her love for this year’s brightest burning star: Lindsay Lohan.

It’s hard to write about Lindsay Lohan.

Not because she’s not interesting. She’s interesting in the way only a true star can be interesting.

The thing that makes writing anything about Lindsay Lohan nearly impossible is that, by press time, she will have at least three more things no one could possibly have predicted. She seems to live in a wonderland where she can do six impossible things before breakfast. Just a few weeks ago, Lindsay supposedly punched a psychic in the face over a weird dispute involving a member of a boy band. I cannot imagine what she’ll do this week. But I know it will be bizarre, and I know I will turn my attention to her for at least a moment, because Lindsay Lohan was honestly the only truly fascinating star to watch in 2012.

Do you know what happens when you Google “Reese Witherspoon last week?” Or “Kirsten Dunst last week?” Nothing. Just like us! Oh, well, a bit. They were working on some projects. They had relationships. Maybe if it’s a crazy week they were dieting, probably for a project.

Most people’s lives, even if they are famous people, at their apex of oddity, are about as interesting as a very slowly paced sitcom. Not Lindsay Lohan’s. Lindsay Lohan seems to have found her way to make her life mirror a soap opera that would almost certainly be canceled for being too outrageous.

That much decried, comically melodramatic scene in Lohan’s recent Lifetime Elizabeth Taylor Biopic Liz & Dick wherein Lindsay screams “I can’t live without you!” and then runs down the hallway, grabs a bottle of pills, gobbles them down like M&Ms, and then flings herself onto the bed? I do not think that scene seemed like melodrama to Lindsay Lohan. I think that seemed like “Tuesday.”

And that—not because she gave a decent performance in Mean Girls, though I know we cling to that as an explanation—is why Lindsay Lohan is an object of national obsession. She could very well have given that Mean Girls performance, and, if her private life had not been insane, she would likely be just another semi-remembered teen idol. You can turn to anyone in a room and say, “How about Lindsay Lohan?” They will probably have something to say. She will make them sad. She will make them angry. She will make them jealous. Try doing that with Rachel McAdams. People will say she has nice hair and wonder why you’re asking.

Lindsay is fascinating for negative reasons, of course, but the definition of a fascinating person may be one going through experiences most of us can barely imagine. Those experiences—outrageous bar fights! Theft! Fiery brawls with lovers!—might not be ones we’d want to experience. But surely someone is supposed to experience them, the way someone is supposed to walk on the moon, or explore the depths of the ocean.  

While every other star seems to be getting photographers from US to take “candid” shots of them helping out at soup kitchens and loudly proclaiming that they are “just like us,” and, really, generally behaving just like us… Well, Lindsay Lohan has no apparent interest at all in being just like us. Or perhaps circumstances conspire against her being like us. Either way, if you put her picture next to the vast morass of humanity, you could play “one of these things is not like the other.” 

Just look at her 2012.

A brief rundown: in 2012, Lindsay Lohan posed for Playboy. She hit someone with her car. She found out she had a secret half-sister. She punched that psychic. She sold her own clothes for cash. She was given $100,000 by Charlie Sheen. She was on Saturday Night Live. She slept with Terry Richardson. She was on Glee. She got into a fight in a limo with her mother, who she claimed was on a lot of cocaine, and her father told her the limo driver was kidnapping her. She was almost strangled by a congressional aide.

These are the things I remember off the top of my head.

Other things almost certainly happened at the rate of about one a week. And isn’t any one of them more interesting than the stories we read about nearly anyone else?  

Because, if we’re honest, there’s almost nothing less interesting than the endless articles about how stars are keeping their marriages spicy and raising great kids while watching their weight. Honestly, I don’t care I don’t care about how they’re doing that, unless their secret is living on kale and human blood, and even then, I don’t care about the kale.

Meanwhile, I would buy a whole magazine entitled What Lindsay Lohan Did This Week.

Like Addison Dewitt of All About Eve, I have absolutely no interest in stars being just like us, given that, as he points out, “their greatest attraction to the publicis their complete lack ofresemblance to normal human beings.” Stars aren’t stars because they’re just like us. They’re stars because they are vastly removed from us, burning brightly and briefly somewhere out in the ether, not at all subject to the rules that govern mortal man.  

And for most of, well, the history of movie stars, this was understood. Gloria Swanson had her toilet made out gold. Charlie Chaplin ran off with a 16-year-old girl. Loretta Young supposedly had a secret baby that she covered up and then “adopted.” Montgomery Clift was so into drugs and alcohol that in The Judgement At Nuremberg he had to ad lib all his lines. Elizabeth Taylor, who Lindsay Lohan played with around three different kind of accents, had so many personal scandals that it is too difficult to pick just one.

It seems impossible to say whether those scandalous, unusual elements of their lives occur because they’re famous (Marlon Brando claimed that, at the height of his fame, he couldn’t open a door if he wanted to—they were all opened for him, which says something), but they do occur.

All of this madness provides the rest of us out in the dark watching with a sense of envy, but also a sense of pride in our own decisions. We envy Lindsay Lohan, and all the really brightly burning stars with lives unlike our own, because we wish we could get away with things the way they do. I wish I could crash cars and emerge unscathed and suffer no real consequences (time after time after time). A great part of the interest in Lindsay Lohan—at least my interest in her—is that in addition to seeming reckless she seems somehow, well, wreck-less.

A few weeks ago, the Twitter account “God” tweeted that “the human race is so busy reading about Lindsay Lohan it doesn’t realize it IS Lindsay Lohan.” A great sentiment, but entirely untrue. Most of us wouldn’t survive acting like Lindsay Lohan for a month, let alone a lifetime. At the very least, we’d be in jail. But really, we’d probably be dead.

Yet, Lindsay continues to make films, and recently, during an interview detailed in The New Inquiry, she told a reporter that her goal is “to work with Oliver Stone. And I’m gonna do whatever I have to do to get it.”

I read it and thought, “Well, she might.”

Lindsay Lohan was arrested because she ran someone down in her car this year. And yet, the idea of her working with Oliver Stone still doesn’t seem entirely outside the realm of possibility.

That is not what it is to be human. To be human is to be bound by rules. That is what it is to be some kind of Greek God.

While the idea of a life without rules might fascinate us, we also know that none of this is very good for Lindsay Lohan. We know that we will probably live longer and have happier relationships. We know that, because we know that living without rules and repercussions, and burning at such a dazzling rate is synonymous with self-immolation. 

No one actually wants Lindsay Lohan to die.

At best, probably, she will fade into a minor sort of obscurity, periodically popping up for roles in made for TV dramas and otherwise living somewhat quietly. That would be good for Lindsay Lohan, but, God, we’d miss her exploits. Because know that, like Edna Saint Vincent Millay, if she continues burning away at her current pace Lindsay may not last the night. Still, while she burns, she gives a hell of a light.

Follow Jennifer Wright on Twitter

Michael Lohan Tried, Failed, To Stage Intervention On Lindsay Lohan Yesterday

As if you needed further proof Dina is the "cool parent" in this family, yesterday Michael Lohan tried to stage an intervention on Lindsay and was turned away.

Earlier this week Lindsay Lohan got a finger-wagging on Twitter from The Canyons screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis, who tweeted that Patrick Bateman was headed to the starlet’s house to deal with her when she failed to show up for work. Thus, an opportunity presented itself for Michael Lohan to play the Long Island Knight In Shining Armor: according to TMZ, daddy dearest and "several others" (a camera crew?) showed up at Lindsay’s home to stage an intervention but were turned away at the door by someone claiming to be Lindsay’s "boyfriend." Someone then called the police to report a trespassing call and cops arrived. Lindsay Lohan intervention aborted.

As opportunistic and boneheaded as Michael Lohan may be, he still isn’t the parent doing cocaine with his daughter. I still hold out hope that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey can save the day on this one. (Although a past intervention with Tina and Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels didn’t go so well.) Ugh, it is probably time to boot up the Lindsay Lohan Death Watch again.

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

Morning Links: Ryan Gosling Says He Thinks Like a Girl, Steven Tyler Gets His Teeth Replaced

● Ryan Gosling fancies himself more than just a feminist meme. “I think like a girl, I think,” he says. “Because I was home-schooled I didn’t have a lot of friends and I did ballet, which was always just girls. All of that had an effect on my brain.” [NYDN] ● As it turns out, the Lohans aren’t too rich to bicker about child support. While Michael was in jail yesterday for domestic abuse, Dina served him papers demanding $11,000 in unpaid child support. [TMZ] ● In an attempt to do all things American while on tour stateside, Prince William bought Coke, bananas, pizza, and beer at Walmart. [Us]

● Fear not for Steven Tyler’s good looks! Before even leaving Paraguay, the rock star has already had the two teeth he lost replaced. [TMZ] ● Paris Jackson has joined the flag football team, and is the first and only girl ever to do so at her private LA school. Her father is, wherever he is, so proud. [People] ● Beavis and Butt-Head returns to MTV tonight, and for the most part, it’s as it ever was. [NYT]

Jennifer Aniston Buys Dog House for $5 Million, Amber Rose Says Wiz Khalifa Better BF Than Kanye

● Lindsay’s latest court caper racked up a $135,000 price tag. That’d be $132,500 more than the necklace she stole. [Radar] ● Jennifer Aniston bought a $4.95 million penthouse in the West Village in the name of her depressed dog, Norman. Hopefully they can both find happiness there. [NYP] ● Ivana Trump doesn’t seem sure about her ex-husband’s proposed presidential run. “It would be terrible for us if he ran. It would be a disaster,” she reportedly said. [GateCrasher/NYDN]

● Amber Rose wants to clear things up: “You know when people say how do you go from Kanye to Wiz Khalifa, that’s a downgrade. But the only question I can ask them is: have you ever dated Kanye? Because I have, and believe me, I did not downgrade at all. Not in any aspect, at all.” Get it, girl. [King] ● Along with kale and mint, Gwyneth Paltrow is growing salvia. Not that kind of salvia. Just plain, non-hallucenagenic salvia officinalis, aka: sage. [GossipCop] ● Beyoncé has named her next album 4. Just 4. Because it’s her fourth album. But also because, “We all have special numbers in our lives, and four is that for me.” Special like her birthday (September 4), like her mother’s birthday (January 4), and like her wedding date (April 4). [Billboard]

Morning Links: Kanye Goes Back To School, Justin Bieber Grows A Mustache

● Charlie Sheen’s weekend live stream, Sheen’s Korner, was boring and rambling and, frankly, just not “winning.” And so it seems the wayward star is in talks to develop his own show on billionaire Mark Cuban’s cable channel, HDNet. [Yahoo/AP] ● He can talk the talk, but now he wants a diploma too. Kanye West flew to London last week to apply for his Masters in Fashion at Central St. Martins College, a place with which he’s already quite familiar: “Kanye spends a lot of time with fashion students and often hooks up with Central’s arty pupils when he is in London.” Sounds like a shoe-in! [The Sun] ● Miley Cyrus played a mean Justin Bieber and made plenty of bong jokes while hosting SNL. She’s really going to be just fine. [NBC]

● Off with the bangs, in with a mustache! Justin Bieber abstained from shaving for a month in order to show us just how much of a man he is. (“im pumped,” he says.) But if it takes a month to grow a mustache, maybe rethink the approach? [Twitter] ● Nobody will verify anything, but rumor has it that the house of the late Alexander McQueen is set to send Kate Middleton down the aisle. McQueen’s crustaceous shoes could lend a welcome air of youth to what will likely be a fantastically traditional ceremony. [NYDN] ● Kate Moss and Linda Evangelista taught Harvey Weinstein how to smoke in airplane bathrooms, and he liked it so much he told Newsweek it was his favorite mistake (not buying the rights to airport best-seller The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo makes for a close second). [Newsweek] ● And just for fun: Supposedly, Real Housewives of DC White House crasher Tareq Salahi has been crashing at Michael Lohan’s place while his wife (whom Tareq says is addicted only “to love” or maybe “Hershey’s kisses”) and Lohan are off at Celebrity Rehab. Time to head for higher ground. [TMZ]

Bring on the Bile: Kate Major and Michael Lohan Engaged!

There’s lots of stuff I don’t want. I don’t want, for example, to be pushed onto the subway tracks during rush hour. I don’t exactly want The Meatball Shop to package my beef and my noodles in separate containers. I don’t want to hear Justin Bieber talk about his kids. But the thought of having to endure tabloid updates about newly engaged celebrity-circus-stunt-turkeys Michael Lohan and Kate Major is something I so wholly do not want that I’m actually considering putting down the new issue of Star.

I don’t actually know anything about these meat-head slimeballs except that, one, they’re staining my sunny day with the threat of nuptials; two, she’s a former Star writer who once dated the guy who was once married to a woman with her same name who danced recently with the stars; three, he’s Lindsay’s dad and he’s been in trouble with the law for DUI’s, attempted assault and insider trading (he’s also, as if this couldn’t get any more tragic, close friends with Jon Gosselin, who Major was recently romantic with). So there you have it. Lindsay seems so excited by the news: “I’m gonna vomit!” she told Us Weekly. “I so didn’t need that info… Yuck!” Let’s take a look at Major through the years, without annotation, because, really, this story speaks for itself.

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Links: All of ‘Lost’ Is on Hulu; Michael Lohan Won’t Stop Being Horrible

● You can watch all 101 episodes of Lost on Hulu (approximately 73 hours), leaving your entire weekend accounted for. No peeing, either. [Hulu] ● Rush Limbaugh doesn’t know why he had chest pains, but let’s guess prescription pills. In all seriousness, he’s judging Saturday’s 2010 Miss America Pageant. [People] ● Thirteen J.D. Salinger stories from 1946 to 1965 are available through the The New Yorker‘s digital edition, if you’re into paying for what you read. [New Yorker]

● Lindsay’s deplorable father Michael Lohan was arrested again after calling an ex-girlfriend who has a restraining order against him. Literally no one likes this man. [TMZ] ● The next season of Mad Men will feature less Bye Bye Birdie, if you know what we mean. Plus, the fates of a few other supporting characters. [E! Online] ● “Sexy” New York hip kids into public service: helpsters! Even blipsters are cringing. [NY Press]