’90s Nostalgia, Meet SLIMED! The New Nickelodeon Golden Age Book

Ever wonder how Ren & Stimpy got on the air? Why Sam always climbed through Clarissa’s window? Who came up with the song "Killer Tofu" on Doug? Me too. And in the spirit of "ask, and you shall receive" is a new book full of all the golden answers to all your ’90s-nostalgia questions: SLIMED! An Oral History of Nickelodeon’s Golden Age

Written by the same guy who wrote Rag Doll: A Horrotica Novel, and with a foreword by Double Dare host Marc Summers, the book peels back the orange Nickelodeon logo and reveals the slime-filled underbelly of the network’s early ’80s and ’90s history, off-air gossip, slime ingredients, and over 200 stories from such VIPs as Kenan Thompson and Melissa Joan Hart – who basically raised us. It also details how Nickelodeon changed the face of cable TV, but we don’t really care about that.

While every page of this book will probably be covered vigorously on Buzzfeed – the arbiter of all things ’90s nostalgia in very large graphics – it’ll have to wait until October 2013, when it physically makes it way onto the entrance tables of Barnes & Nobles, where it will be scooped up by Rugrats-loving 27-year-olds, and quizzically glared at by 12-year-olds who subsist on iCarly

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‘Melissa and Joey’ & 10 Other TV Stars in Need of a Comeback

Whoa! Big news for TGIF fans! ABC Family has announced a new show, starring Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina, the Wiccan Cat Lady) and Blossom‘s Joey Lawrence (formerly Joseph of Urban Legends: Final Cut, which I swear has Eva Mendes on its poster!). Titled Melissa and Joey, the show features “Hart as a politician and daughter of a prominent political family who has to take in her niece and nephew after her sister lands in jail and her brother-in-law disappears amid a scandal. Lawrence plays the unlikely nanny hired to help Hart manager her new responsibilities.” Sounds like The Nanny hooked up with Brothers & Sisters and gave birth to a political Who’s The Boss. It got us thinking: how many faded TV stars from the ’80s and ’90s are about ready for reprieve from syndication purgatory? Lots. 10 of them after the jump, and the projects that might just do the trick.

1.ANDREA BARBER (pictured above), FULL HOUSE. If Showtime would just go ahead, already, and make a one-hour drama based on Boys Don’t Cry, we’d all get a Gibbler career renaissance and a reason to go back to hating Hilary Swank.

2.DANIELLE FISHEL, BOY MEETS WORLD. In the show’s series finale, veggie-hippie Topanga lands her dream gig: an internship at a law firm in New York. Fishel needs an HBO makeover to have a shot at her previous success. What about the story of a butcher whose Chinatown meat market is actually a front for a brothel? Each episode title will be a play on this — “Rump Roast,” “Grade A Beef” — with Fishel as the silk-robe-wearing, chain-smoking den mother who’s seen it all before. image

3.KIRK CAMERON, GROWING PAINS. Cameron is a born-again Christian. This is all the story he needs: once a teenage pin-up, this is the tale of an actor who turned to God and alienated everyone in the business with his outspoken, non-Scientological beliefs. Single-camera comedy about his return to the spotlight playing a womanizing drunk should do it. It’s called God Help Us. image

4.SASHA MITCHELL, STEP BY STEP. Mitchell didn’t exactly play heart surgeons during his tenure with Step by Step and Dallas before that. There was probably a reason for that. Keep him playing (or not playing) dumb as an aging bachelor who falls for his long-lost sister after a chance encounter at their father’s funeral. Hilarity ensues while this bumbling meat-head tries to get in his sister’s pants. It’ll get old after three episodes, which is okay, because that’s as long as it’ll take to get canceled. image

5.ZACHERY TY BRYAN, HOME IMPROVEMENT. No brainer: the jocky half of a gay couple who have just relocated to the Bible Belt to start a career as restaurateurs. (Why? Who cares? The other half is Jonathan Taylor Thomas!) Will patrons welcome their new neighbors? Will the show have any in-jokey Tool Time double entendres? Tune in! image

6.LARK VOORHIES, SAVED BY THE BELL. Lisa Turtle was always the most fashionable girl of all time on TV. Thus, Voorhies needs one of those Gigi Levangie-Grazer/Candace Bushnell shows about how tough it can be to wear high heels in Meatpacking. Guest spots include highly-anticipated visits by ball-busting PR team Elizabeth Berkley and Tiffani Thiessen. image

7.KELLIE SHANYGNE WILLIAMS, FAMILY MATTERS. Williams will always be Laura Winslow, and we like it that way. In Family Don’t Much Matter Anymore Does It? — a Tyler Perry production, of course — 20 years have passed and Laura is divorced from (but still living with!) Steve Urkel. It’s a recession story about family and unfunny jokes. image

8.GABRIELLE CARTERIS, 90210. Andrea Zuckerman was so great as the Someonegetmeascoop-high school reporter on 90210. It’s time for her to let loose as a former serial-arson-on-the-lam-turned-kooky librarian in a David E. Kelley-style high school dramedy called Book It! image

9.A.J. LANGER, MY SO-CALLED LIFE. Lifetime needs a show about lesbian environmentalists as much as Bravo needs more reality programming. But, in both cases, we’re guessing it’s a perfect time to add one more. image

10.JENNA VON OŸ, BLOSSOM. It’s called Oÿ Brother, and it’s on TBS. We don’t know what it’s about because we’d never watch it. But without question, Blossom‘s Six will still start each episode talking like she just shoved an 8-ball up her nose. image

The 19 Worst ‘Maxim’ Cover Models of All Time

Over the last two decades, Maxim has featured a bevy of beauties on its covers, from Hollywood starlets to sexy female sports stars. But like the unfortunate souls found on Playboy’s worst cover-girl list, Maxim does suffer the occasional miscast. Although it may be interesting to see Fergie in a bra, even the mag’s target audience might think twice about incorporating her into one’s genteel nighttime fantasies. But Fergie’s hardly the only gal who maybe didn’t turn in her best work fronting for Maxim.


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image 1. Lucy Lawless (April 1999) – Stunning during her tenure as Xena: Warrior Princess, and would probably be a strong contender for the upcoming Wonder Woman film were she still in her prime. Suffice to say, it isn’t Lucy’s looks that landed her on this list; rather, it’s the Xena thing. That role was a feminist’s wet dream, reaching new levels of man-hating with each subsequent episode. Even if we were willing to look beyond that (which we’re not), the appearance of Xena in a men’s magazine contradicts her cultivated image as a feminist icon. What it ultimately boils down to is that this spread isn’t arousing unless you like having your nuts crunched.


2. Melissa Joan Hart (October, 1999) – Most children of the 90s remember her from Nickelodeon’s Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. It’s that nostalgia factor which makes it impossible to look at Melissa Joan Hart without recalling some of our more awkward pre-pubescent moments. For those of us who were already adults during the early 90s, it’s even harder to look at her without feeling like a dirty old man.

image 3. Lara Flynn Boyle (December 1999) – On this cover, Lara Flynn Boyle looks like she’s battling (or embracing) an impressive cocaine habit and a severe eating disorder. Who knows what got trimmed off or slimmed down in Photoshop, but still, time for a sammich.


4. Helena Bonham Carter (August 2001) – There are lots of women out there with looks that walk the fine line between strange and hot. Helena Bonham Carter is one of them. Fight Club author Chuck Palahniuk characterized Marla Singer, the character Carter played in the film version, as having “big eyes the way they have in Japanese animation.” Not only does Tim Burton’s longtime partner and muse aptly match this description, but her spread in Maxim probably fulfilled every necrophiliac’s fantasy.

image 5. Christina Aguilera (January 2003) – Despite her superior vocal skills, Christina Aguilera was always eclipsed by her former rival, Britney Spears. In a desperate attempt to surpass her, Aguilera bronzed her skin, sported a skunk tail, and left little else to the imagination. The end result left her looking more like an Orange County douchette than an A-list pop star. While her album, Stripped, was commercially and critically a hit, her Maxim spread was a sad afterthought.

image 6. Shania Twain (June 2003) – Faith Hill was hot back in the day, but we draw the line there when it comes to country musicians. Shania Twain isn’t at all bad looking, but she doesn’t belong on the cover of Maxim. Besides, she was pushing 40 by the time the magazine came to print — gasp! — and to be honest, she was always more the marrying type than ideal cover skank.


7. Michelle Branch (January 2004) – At the height of her success, Michelle Branch packed more talent than most of her Autotuned counterparts. Yet, while attractive, she was hardly a sex symbol. Her Maxim appearance seemed like a disconnect with her otherwise wholesome image, as she’s no Britney or Paris otherwise.

image 8. Marge Simpson (April 2004) – Readers flip through Maxim to ogle at ‘shopped flesh and blood, not pen and ink. Though give Maxim props for a novel idea that Playboy ripped off five years later. Still, if we were into cartoon poon, we’d buy stocking up on hentai.

image 9. Avril Lavigne (October 2004) – Like most commercially successful female artists, she’s a good-looking girl. But her mall-safe version of sk8er punk makes her both a little young and a little twee, even for Maxim.


10. Girls of The Apprentice (December 2004) – Bottom of the barrel time, and that’s saying something. Really, what can be said about highlighting the questionable charms of a reality show that favorably depicts Donald Trump’s business acumen by comparing it with even lesser lights such as these? Even Snooki would be preferable.

image 11. Nicky Hilton (August 2005) – As if one Hilton sister wasn’t enough. If Nicky was looking to outdo Paris, then she should have done a sex tape, not a photo shoot.

image 12. Nicolette Sheridan (November 2005) – After multiple plastic surgeries, Nicolette resembles a tightly taxidermized otter. Plus, Maxim readers generally steer clear of Lifetime and Desperate Housewives.

image 13. Haylie Duff (January 2006) – Much like Nicky Hilton, Haylie Duff is the celebrity sister that nobody knew existed. While Hillary Duff has made a lucrative career as a tween idol, most readers are probably unable to remember any of Haylie’s films besides Napoleon Dynamite (2004). Her appearance in Maxim was yet another attempt to ride the coattails of her sister’s fame.


14. Lacey Chabert (January 2007) – Claudia from Party of Five grew up and really filled out. Unfortunately, most people remember Lacey as the little sister with the annoyingly screechy voice. As scorchingly hot as she grew up to be, looking at her in that way felt like acknowledging a younger cousin’s new boobs.


15. Fergie (April 2007) – Most people’s gut reaction to Fergie is that she’s good looking for her age. Sadly, this compliment crumbles when you find out she’s only 32. That’s what happens when you supposedly have a forehead lift, breast augmentation, nose job, and extreme Botox. The end result comes uncomfortably close to a West Hollywood tranny.

image 16. Sarah Silverman (June 2007) – While we love Sarah for making us laugh and for being one of the few attractive comedians out there, she could have shown more skin for her Maxim cover. What photographer thought it would be a good idea for her to pose in the remnants of a gorilla suit? No furries.


17. Lindsay Lohan (September 2007) – Oh Lindsay, how far you’ve fallen from your glory days as a Mean Girl. Her appearance in Maxim was clearly nothing more than a desperate attempt to revive her floundering career. To make matters worse, she looked less like the Lindsay we briefly loved and more like Amy Winehouse’s heroin buddy.


18. Heidi Montag (February 2008) – Someday, decades from now, someone will have to explain to the children just who Heidi Montag was — and that no, the pre- and post-surgery Heidis are not two different people. Note near identical similarity to Lara Flynn Boyle’s oh-it’s-ok-that-you’re-looking-at-my-butt pose above.


19. Ashley Greene (November 2009) – You may not care, but Ashley Greene had a role in Twilight. One supposes that enough unfortunate straight males were dragged to the movie by their significant others that they vaguely recognize her on the cover of Maxim, and hence impulse-buy.

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