Megan Fox Will Be April O’Neil in Michael Bay’s ‘Ninja Turtles’ Reboot

Well, this is good news for adult men whose only issue with the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was that the chick who played April didn’t give them enough boners on account of her face and body looking, well, like a normal human woman’s. Megan Fox, whose face resembles, of all things, a visual labyrinth, a concealed butterfly, and waves crisscrossing a lake, will don the yellow trench coat as the reporter who becomes the main squeeze of life-sized teenage turtles. I could go on about how this fulfills the fantasy of every straight man born between 1979 and 1989, but good lord, I’m exhausted. Basically, I hope all the dudes stuck in a period of sustained adolescence have fun masturbating to Megan Fox in another dumb movie.

[via EW]

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Lena Dunham Stops by Howard Stern’s Show to Respond to His Fat Jokes

After taking home two Golden Globes on Sunday for her show Girls, Lena Dunham has every reason to have all the confidence in the world—even in the face of ongoing repulsive and sexist comments about her body. Last week we were all mutually nauseated by Howard Stern’s remarks towards Dunham: “Good for her. It’s hard for little fat chicks to get anything going.” The following night, while on Late Night With David Letterman, Dunham proudly joked, “I wanna get it on my gravestone where he said, ‘Congrats to her (Dunham). It’s so hard for little fat chicks to get anything going these days.” And since then, Stern has openly apologized for his harsh words of judgement, paving the way for an appearance from Dunham herself his program today.

The pair had quite the conversation, and made nice during the interview.

What he had to say:

  • “I realize: not only am I addicted, but I totally get you. I’m in love with you and your character.”
  • “It’s not about apologizing, although I want to say I’m a fan of yours … I love you and I think you’re terrific.”

What she had to say:

  • “I’m a big fan of your particular brand of free speech.”
  • “Howard Stern says I’m ‘not obese or anything’ … I appreciate it and I appreciate your effort to rectify [this], but whether you’d done that or not, I’d have remained a [Howard Stern] enthusiast.
  • “I’m not super thin, but I’m thin for, like, Detroit.”

Now hold up just one second. This reminds me of that delightful line from that absurdist piece of humor that was Esquire‘s Megan Fox cover story, reading: “Women no longer need to be beautiful in order to express their talent. Lena Dunham and Adele and Lady Gaga and Amy Adams are all perfectly plain, and they are all at the top of their field.” What’s that sound, you say? Oh nothing, just me slamming my plainly average body against the wall. Are you kidding me? What world are these assholes living in where a woman should have to justify her body weight as per city-specified expectations? But okay, Dunham isn’t taking this too seriously, and it feels silly to get worked up when the subject of the discussion is strong enough to shake off this sort of thing. However, it does reflect that fact that, yes, a bold and talented 26-year old woman just won two Golden Globes against American staples of comedy, but you’re right, we really should be discussing those extra few pounds.

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Linkage: Megan Fox’s Face is Unreal, Victor Garber’s BF is Sexy, and Screech’s Younger Wife

Esquire’s cover story about Megan Fox begins as follows: “The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It’s not really even that beautiful. It’s closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.” It’s like an advertorial for plastic surgery! [Esquire]

Dustin Diamond, forever known to us all as Screech, gives an interesting interview in which he reveals the other reason older men enjoy the company of younger women: “One of the great things for me is I’ve got a trophy wife. She’s twenty-five and I’m thirty-six. So she’s an entire generation younger, and because of that, there’s stuff I missed that I can go back and appreciate now with her introducing it to me.” (Also, the sex is probably good.) [Splitsider]

Is the music industry too focused on ephemera? That’s what TLC’s T-Boz thinks. “The record business sucks!” she tells The Hollywood Reporter. “Great music, timeless music is hard to come by, but there are some that are like that… Those kind of songs last—your “Waterfalls" or “Unpretty”—but there’s a lot of this "just for the times" music out now, but they don’t last and then everybody’s on the next thing. So I don’t think it will ever be the same, but great music and great musicians still exist.” [THR]

Facebook is gunning to beat Google at the search engine business with the rollout of the new Graph Search, which “offers a massively expanded new way to explore your web social life.” Basically, it means you will never have to ask anyone for anything again, because Facebook will do it for you. It’s good news for those of us who have no intention of leaving our houses. (Heads up, Christine McVie.) [Gizmodo]

Victor Garber is gay, which I admit was NEWS TO ME, and it turns out he looks kinda like a forty-something Williamsburg loft-dweller. But hotter. So good on you, Victor Garber! Keep that shit right up! [Gawker]

There is a group of people now dubbed Male-ennials, they’re sharing “emotional stuff” with each other, they consider Google to be a father figure, and it’s safe to say that I hate all of them. [MTV Insights]

I’m not sure I’m 100% behind the second season of Girls, but I’m 100000% behind Texts From Shoshanna. [Vulture]

Getting the body you’ve always wanted is pretty easy, although there may be some light groundskeeping involved. [The Hairpin]

Lance Armstrong, rug abuser. [Hypervocal]

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Morning Links: Dr. Seuss’ Lorax Gets Stolen, Flaming Lips Get Bloody

● Someone stole a 300-pound bronze statue of the Lorax from the late Dr. Seuss’ lawn. "I want very badly to get our little Lorax back home where he belongs," said Suess’s daughter, Lark Grey Dimond-Cate, of the heist. "Wherever he is, he’s scared, lonely and hungry. He’s not just a hunk of metal to us. He was a family pet." [HuffPost]

● Rumor has it that Megan Fox and her husband of nearly two years, Brian Austin Green, are expecting their first child together. [Radar]

● Darren Aronofsky is in business to direct Anne Hathaway in Get Happy, a Judy Garland biopic. 2012 will be a busy one for him. [TB]

● Kris Humphries won’t sign for a divorce until Kim makes an offer he can’t refuse. "Kris is dragging it out," explains one source. "Kim is ready to move on, but Kris is hoping that stretching it out will get him even more money." [E!]

● Zadie Smith’s 2005 Booker Prize-nominated novel, On Beauty, is being adapted for the big screen by actress, writer and director Kasi Lemmons. [Deadline]

● To celebrate Record Store Day, the Flaming Lips have packaged a special few of their The Flaming Lips and Heady Fwends with a bit of blood from their collaborators — Erykah Bad, Yoko Ono, Bon Iver, Nic Cave, Ke$ha and Neon Indian included — "Like a glass specimen thing," says Wayne Coyne explains. [Paste]

Morning Links: Jennifer Lawrence Sees Hunger Games Everywhere, First Look At ‘Dark Shadows’

● As Jennifer Lawrence sees it, Kim Kardashian’s very public divorce is basically The Hunger Games already upon us. "That’s a tragedy for anyone, but they’re using it for entertainment, and we’re watching it," she explained to Parade. "The books hold up a terrible kind of mirror: This is what our society could be like if we became desensitized to trauma and to each other’s pain." May the odds be ever in your favor, BlackBook readers… [Page Six]

● Hot leading ladies Megan Fox and Zoe Saladana are teaming up for Paramount’s Swindle, a vehicle for the two women that will be developed by Moneyball producer Michael De Luca and developed by Enzo Mileti and Scott Wilson. [Deadline]

● Rihanna — incidentally, the only voice not yet heard on the subject — has finally come forward to defend her "Birthday Cake" duet with Chris Brown. "The hottest R&B artist out right now is Chris Brown. So I wanted him on the track," she explained on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. "It’s music and it’s innocent." [RapFix]

● The watermelon smashing comedian Gallagher was rushed to the hospital after suffering a "mild to serious" heart attack. The prognosis is good, but he will remain in the hospital until he has recovered. [Us]

● Bar band meet bar: Hold Steady frontman Craig Finn is launching his very own microbrew named Full Hearts, after his recent Friday Night Light‘s riffing release, Clear Eyes Full Heart. [RS]

● At last, a trailer for the Tim Burton-directed and Johnny Depp-starring vampire comedy, Dark Shadows. [HuffPost]

Afternoon Links: Elisabeth Moss Does Not Think Fred Armisen is Funny, Megan Fox’s Big Surprise

Mad Men‘s Elisabeth Moss doesn’t think her ex-husband Fred Armisen is as funny as you do. "One of the greatest things I heard someone say about him is, ‘He’s so great doing impersonations. But the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.’ To me, that sums it up," she says. [PageSix Magazine]

● Snooki always wanted a "very nice" engagement ring, and from the sounds of it, that is exactly what she got. [People]

● Megan Fox was surprised by a big, yellow, and slightly phallic figure from her past on Ellen this morning. (SFW!) [JustJared]

● IvyGate has uncovered the totally entertaining or maybe disgusting (probably both) pseudonymous twitter of Scout LaRue Willis, the Brown-educated progeny of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Go forth and read, laugh, and hate at your own risk! [IvyGate]

● Miley Cyrus parked her car in a handicapped spot while going to pilates and did not even get a ticket. Kids these days! [PageSix]

● Kathy Griffin will be on Bravo even more starting this April when she launches Anyway, Kathy, her very own weekly talk show. [Vulture]

Watch the Shiny New Trailer for the Oscars

The Oscars are less than two months away and after host and producer changes, ABC just released a promo to reassure everyone that it’s going to be A-Okay. The trailer, which comes via Movieline, is a highly produced narrative short about Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox’s journey to the Himalayas in order to find host Billy Crystal. 

Oh no! They aren’t saving the best stuff for the show itself!

Besides Oscar mainstays Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox, the promo also stars Vinnie Jones as the bartender and a heavily made-up Robin Williams as the Mongolian ferryman. If there were an award for Best Oscar Promo, this would definitely, without question, get a nomination.

Prediction: "You could’ve just texted" will become the catchphrase of 2012, narrowly edging out Crystal’s "You look marvelous" after it makes its inevtitable return during the Oscars broadcast,which airs February 26.

Afternoon Links: Spike Lee Takes Over ‘Old Boy,’ Rihanna Replaces Megan Fox

● Spike Lee is officially directing the remake of South Korean cult classic Old Boy for Mandate Pictures, a less than obvious choice, if you ask us. [THR] ● Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie declined their invite to Julian Assange’s 40th birthday party, because, well, it was Julian Assange’s 40th birthday party. [The Atlantic Wire] ● In an inspired bit of celebrity stalking, a TMZ cameraman managed to ask Michael C. Hall if his character Dexter would go after Casey Anthony once she was released. Suffice it to say, Michael C. Hall is not amused. [TMZ]

● It’s the last Harry Potter red carpet premiere ever, and Manhattan’s Upper West Side is currently overrun with fanatics because of it! [Observer] ● Speaking of Harry Potter and fantatics, we’re fanatically awaiting the first trailer for Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Rises, witch is attached to this Friday’s big Potter release [Superhero Hype] ● Poor Megan Fox. First of all, she’s really un-good looking and has like, no money. And second of all, she just can’t keep a gig. Rihanna has replaced her as the, er, face of Emporio Armani Underwear. Win win for us! [The Cut]

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Vs. Megan Fox: Who Wins in the End?

Megan Fox has taken quite the public relations beating in the run-up to tomorrow’s release of Michael Bay’s coked-up CG rampage, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. But it’s not like she couldn’t see it coming. The Ballad of Michael and Megan—in which Michael fires Megan for publicly bashing Michael—is actually the most entertaining thing about the Transformers franchise, especially when unfiltered loudmouths (not a bad thing) like Michael Bay and Shia LaBeouf are the ones doing all the talking.

First, there was Shia’s interview with the LA Times, where he spoke of Fox’s “Spice Girl strength” and her subsequent rejection of the way Bay films women (i.e., like sports cars). Then came GQ‘s oral history of Bay’s career, the major takeaway being that not only was Fox fired from Transformers for talking shit about Bay, but it was Steven Spielberg himself who spearheaded the motion for dismissal. It’s revelations like that for which the phrase “you’ll never work in this town again” were invented. The deathblow, however, came today, when things got personal with the release of Details‘ cover story on LaBeouf, where the actor admitted to hooking up with Fox on the set of the first film, while ambiguously hinting that she may have been dating now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time—a revelation not even she could have anticipated.

All of this brings us to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who, as every review of the film will remind you, was the girl plucked from Victoria’s Secret semi-obscurity to replace Fox in the thankless role of girlfriend to LaBeouf’s Sam Witwicky. For the 24-year-old, scoring the role was a first-class ticket from runway to multiplex; the teenage boys who’ll make up the majority of the Transformers audience will no doubt recognize her from their mother’s stolen catalogues. But until tomorrow, those horny teens — or anyone, really — won’t be able to tell you what Huntington-Whiteley’s voice sounds like, much less about her skills as an actress. Let’s have a look at some reactions to her performance thus far, while remembering that when it comes to a Michael Bay production, the word ‘actress’ doesn’t mean all that much.

Miami Herald: Bay casts his actresses based on their looks, not talents, and the tall, statuesque Huntington-Whiteley comes off as a Playboy bunny with a perpetually dazed look. When she’s standing next to LaBeouf, she appears to be a high-priced call girl who has been hired by a dork.

NY Daily News: “As for Huntington-Whiteley, she makes an excellent case for the return of Megan Fox in the next installment.”

Time Out London: “But he’s Laurence Olivier next to Huntington-Whiteley, whose blank, pouty turn as Sam’s new squeeze makes one long for the good old days of Megan Fox.”

Empire: “You’ll believe a robot can fly, but you won’t believe a Huntington-Whiteley can talk.”

Devin Faraci: “He has a new love interest this time around, Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and she made me miss Megan Fox throughout. The character feels like a poorly considered course correction from Fox, replacing a bad girl character who dominated Sam in a sexy way with a boring, empty submissive girl who is completely sexless.”

So, not that great! Megan Fox, however, is actually missed by some of these reviewers, a sentiment that only last week seemed impossible. The lesson here is that Michael Bay can either make or break your career, sometimes even at the same time.