Imagined Production Numbers From the ‘Mean Girls’ Musical

Tina Fey devotees all ‘round the Internet have been rejoicing since last night, when during the Screen Actors Guild Awards red carpet interviews, Fey mentioned to E!’s Giuliana Rancic that the Mean Girls musical may actually become a thing, and she doesn’t appear to be trolling. We hope. Maybe. Please?

"I’m trying to develop it actually with my husband who does all the music for ’30 Rock,” she told Rancic. “I think Paramount’s on board. Yeah." A bit later, when Rancic asked about the fight American Idol judges Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey had over Mean Girls on the show, Fey expressed her admiration for Carey and suggested that she could play Mrs. George, Amy Poehler’s cocktail-sipping, slang using, implant-donning “Cool Mom.”

If it’s not even fully in development yet, the Mean Girls musical is a long way off, much like “Fetch” as a popular slang term. And musicals adapted from popular films are always sort of hit-and-miss territory (see Legally Blonde: The Musical, Shrek: The Musical, TRON: The Musical*) But with Fey helming the project and the right casting, this could actually be pretty excellent. And you’d see it regardless of whether or not it was good, obvs. Because it’s a Mean Girls musical. And what would the Original Broadway Cast soundtrack look like? A sampling of imagined musical numbers:

  • “Out of Africa”
  • “Navigating the Cafeteria” (This would be a big dance number featuring the different cliques/lunch tables each showing off their moves, a la “Mambo” from West Side Story)
  • “She Keeps Me Young (Song of the Cool Mom)” (Mariah’s big number)
  • “The Burn Book Tango”
  • “Damn, Africa, What Happened?”
  • "The Secret In the Projection Room Above the Auditorium”
  • “And None For Gretchen Wieners” (a tender moment in which Gretchen Wieners laments her second-banana status, in the style of “Valjean’s Soliloquy”)
  • "Kevin Gnapoor’s Rap (Full Version)”
  • “Jingle Bell Rock”
  • “Damn, Africa, What Happened? (Reprise)”
  • “The Burn Book, Revealed” (instrumental dance number/staged fight)
  • “Oh Hell No, I Did Not Leave the South Side For This!” (duet between Ms. Norbury and the principal with a few Chicago in-jokes, with love, from Tina)
  • "The Limit (Does Not Exist)”
  • “Girl World, At Peace”

*Yes, it exists. Thanks, UCB!