How to Dress For Success in the New York Dating Scene

As someone who occasionally works with and profiles New York City matchmakers for work, I have learned that when it comes to dating they have an interesting take on attire and presentation. Writing about sex and relationships means having these people drop into my lap in the hope that I’ll help them promote their business. I have, on some occasions, helped in that way, but the best part is learning how to dress to land a significant other. It is not as easy as one thinks, but it’s also more cliché than not.

Let’s start with tips for the ladies:

Have long hair. Yes, men prefer long hair. If your hair is short, ladies, grow it out. Or get a weave. Now. Also wear it down; you want to make sure your date is well aware that you have hair and it is long.

Cover up your “goods.” While men do love to stare at your ample bosom, and cleavage is always appreciated, you’re not looking to get laid. You are, however, looking to settle down and buy a house in Westchester. Dressing like a harlot won’t get you anywhere. If you own a turtleneck, consider wearing it. You want to appear pious and conservative, and probably a big fan of Mitt Romney, too. What would Ann Romney wear? Exactly.

Show off your “lower goods.” No! Not your vagina! Your legs! Always wear a skirt or dress; this shouldn’t even be a question. It will be hard for your date to realize you’re a woman if you have your legs covered—especially since you have your cleavage covered and may yet to have grown out your hair. It’s important not to confuse the person with whom you’re on the date. You need to make things as obvious as possible.

Wear make-up. Women should always wear make-up. This is just how the world works and those of you who do not, should not be allowed to call yourself a woman. If you did not know this, then you’ve been under a rock for the majority of your life and this is why you’re single. Make-up is what sets us apart from the animals. Well that, and lingerie.

Don lingerie. Even if you won’t be showing it off until your third date or later, knowing that you’re wearing the silkiest, laciest, and sexiest underthings you have, will help in your confidence and “inner sex goddess.” No one feels hot and dangerous in granny panties.

Wear pantyhose. I’m not sure why this is part of the whole “snagging a man” criteria, but it is. Apparently, you can find pantyhose in a pharmacy, and if not, your mom might still have a pair from 1973.

Always rock heels. Again, we’re trying to make sure there is no question about your gender and your intentions. Heels mean you care; flats mean you don’t. If you can’t walk in heels, then practice ASAP. Heels lengthen your legs, and therefore make you appear taller even when you’re not. You want to appear tall. Men prefer tall women. In case you didn’t know.

Tips for the gentlemen:

Stay home if you’re bald or going bald. As we already covered, hair is important; very important. If you’ve lost your hair or are about to lose it and don’t look like Bryan Cranston or Sir Patrick Stewart, don’t even bother. Everyone else looks just George Costanza. It’s sad but true… or so I’ve been advised.

Always wear a suit. If you don’t own a suit, you should really evaluate your intentions in not just procuring a partner but also your station in life. If a man doesn’t own at least one suit, he might as well move to Ohio and get a job at a Dairy Queen. But that won’t be a total waste, because Blizzards are really yummy!

Don’t wear white socks. A grown man should understand there are very few places where white socks are appropriate. One of them happens to be at the gym, and the other place is in hell where you’re bound to go if you’re bald and only wore white socks your whole life. These are just the facts, and I’m reiterating them.

Have a freshly shaven face. Even if having a beard is your thing, lose it. Women want you bared face so they can see the real you. Obviously facial hair means you’re up to no good and can’t be trusted. This also goes for any potential unibrow you may have been sporting without knowledge as to how creepy it makes you look.

There you go! Putting these few tips to use will guarantee you an end to your single ways and you should be hitched in no time. And, of course, no one wants to be alone; that shit is for losers, or at least this is what I’ve gathered from dating coaches and matchmakers.

Follow Amanda Chatel on Twitter.