Martha Stewart Is EVERYTHING While Roasting Justin Bieber on Comedy Central

If you missed Comedy Central‘s roast of Justin Bieber last night, all you really need to see are five minutes of absolute gold — offensive, embarrassingly hilarious gold — perpetrated by former inmate Martha Stewart. This five minutes has it all: Attacks on Shaq (and his mom), racist jokes, prison jokes, and, like any good appearance by Martha, mating calls.

Enjoy. Probably with headphones.

Photo: Justin Bieber photographed by Joe Bielawa via

Ballroom Marfa Benefit Gala 2014: Film, Fashion, and Art Unite

All Photos: Benjamin Lozovsky/BFAnyc.com 

Texas comes to New York City for the annual Ballroom Marfa Benefit Gala. Check out the cool mix of art / fashion / film world attendees below.

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Fairfax Dorn

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Douglas Friedman, Martha Stewart

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Luke Wilson

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Jessica Hart

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Jenny Laird, Hunter Hill, Lacey Dorn

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Roya Sachs, Reed Krakoff, Lacey Dorn

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Allison Sarofim, Naomi Campbell

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Sofia Coppola

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014William Laird, Trey Laird, Jenny Laird

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Rambert Rigaud, Peter Copping

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014Peter Saul, Sally Saul

BALLROOM MARFA Benefit Gala 2014
Lauren Santo DomingoDustin YellinAndres Santo Domingo

 

Afternoon Links: Beyoncé and Jay-Z Skip Grammys for Pizza, Nicki Minaj Offends Catholic League

● Beyoncé and Jay-Z skipped last night’s Grammy ceremony, opting for a low-key night out at their favorite Brooklyn pizza place. And we really can’t say we blame them — Lucali is delicous. [Us]

● Services for Whitney Houston are expected to take place later this week in Newark, New Jersey, where she first got her start. [People]

● Diddy was hospitalized this morning for an "extreme migraine" he developed while partying at the Playboy Mansion last night. Sometimes, you know, the way the light hits the grotto can do that to you. [TMZ]

● The Catholic League is of course not having it with last night’s Nicki Minaj performance-cum-exorcism. [RapFix]

● Martha Stewart’s chow-chow, Ghenghis Khan, won Best in Breed at the Westminster Dog Show this morning. It’s good to know that, if things with her own career keep as they are going, she at least has a solid back-up. [DailyIntel]

● "Normal" Russian television programing is about as weird and Putin-championing as you might imagine. [NYT]

Afternoon Links: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel Get Engaged, Martha Stewart Signs Off

● Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are engaged, and all of our childhood dreams are ruined. If we don’t at least get a new album out of this, I am going to have to take down those posters. [Us]

● Amber Rose claims that "homewrecker" Kim Kardashian was sending pics to Rose’s then boyfriend, Kanye West, while she was still dating Reggie Bush. Game on! [NYDN]

● Nick Cannon was hospitalized for kidney problems while vacationing in Aspen with Mariah Carey and dem babies. "Please pray for Nick as he’s fighting to recover from a mild kidney failure. #mybraveman," Carey tweeted. [People]

● Ludacris is opening a new resturant, serving chicken and beer, in the Atlanta airport. [Vulture]

● Ratings waning, Martha Stewart’s The Martha Stewart Show will sign-off for good at the end of April. [NYP]

Morning Links: Beyoncé Buys Fans Pizza, Sarah Silverman’s New Show Starts Bidding War

● Completely unfazed by the tattoos and cigs, Courtney Love thinks all these pictures of her daughter, Frances Bean, are quite nice. “Well yeah she’s beautiful,” she said. “What else did you expect! She’s my kid!” [NYO] ● Beyoncé is perfect, we know, and her habit of buying fans and staff pizza of course doesn’t hurt. [Page Six] ● The Game went on CNN and apologized nicely to the Compton Police Department for tweeting their phone number and jamming their lines, so the police are dropping all charges. [CNN]

● Sarah Silverman’s new show has started the season’s first bidding war, with NBC, ABC, and Fox all vying for the “single-camera comedy loosely based on Silverman’s life.” [Deadline] ● With “Friday Night” at number one this week, Katy Perry joins Michael Jackson as just the second artist ever to have five singles from an album hit the top spot on the Billboard. Try and resist any further comparisons between the two. [THR] ● Martha Stewart must know: Do you think she’s hip? [Martha Stewart/Twitter]

Birthday Suggestions for Sue Johanson, Martha Stewart, & More

Summer is the time for barbecues, boat rides, and of course, birthdays. In fact, some of our most beloved stars are celebrating monumental milestones this season. Haven’t done your shopping yet? Here is a brief list of gift suggestions for fans and friends of these household names. Mrs. First Lady, if you’re reading this, we don’t mean any disrespect!

Sue Johanson (7/29/30) – Even though 81 isn’t a milestone birthday, Sue definitely deserves a worthy present after all the advice she has doled out over the years. And now that she is retired, she must have endless amounts of time to devote to pleasure, lust, and other old-age activities. Though nothing can faze this octogenarian, the Love is Art Kit will at least spice things up. Sue will be able to immortalize her passion for sex eternally. And then hang it over her mantelpiece.

Martha Stewart (8/3/41) – Martha turns 70 this year. This domestic diva has everything she could ever want, except for maybe those five months back in 2004 when she served a sentence at the West Virginia federal prison for illegal stock sale, obstruction of justice, and conspiracy. Just because we are so thankful for her no-bake dessert recipes and her outdoor Halloween decoration ideas, we’d be willing to pretend that the ImClone Systems stock scandal never happened – hell, every other Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia fan forgot instantly.

Barack Obama (8/4/61) – The POTUS is about to turn the big 5-0, and hopefully the current debt crisis is the only midlife crisis he has on tap. The stresses of the presidency have certainly taken their toll on Obama, as evidenced by his hair, which is rapidly becoming more salt than pepper. Thus, we suggest Michelle tactfully present some Just for Men hair-dye to the prez – then, if things don’t work out for him during the 2012 election, at least he will be able to look great on the cover of GQ. Again.

Jennifer Lawrence (8/15/90) – Rising star Jennifer is almost legally able to carouse. Because of her upcoming 2012 film, The Hunger Games – a science fiction story about a girl living in Panem, a country where North America once existed – we thought a bottle of absinthe would be a fitting gift. The green fairy is definitely strong enough to carry her away from her post-apocalyptic troubles, and a great way to celebrate her new of-age status!

Keke Palmer (8/26/93) – Keke has been crooning about ‘Bottoms Up’ for years now, so it may come as a bit of a surprise that she is only just about to turn 18. No matter, though. For Keke, we would give her what every 18-year-old girl in the class of 2011 wishes she had received – a college acceptance letter. You’re welcome!

Rachel Zoe (9/1/71) – The glamour guru(/witch) is about to turn 39.9, if you know what I mean. A Whole Foods gift card to catalyze some minor level of consumption is what she needs. That, or marriage counseling, for poor Roger’s sake.

As a fallback, a good old bottle of booze would suit any of these stars. Except, of course, for Keke. That’s illegal.

Morning Links: Blake Lively Is a Mess for Once, Tyler Doesn’t Care About the Royal Wedding

● Blake Lively was literally a train wreck at last night’s Time 100 gala, where the train of her dress got stuck to photographer Patrick McMullen’s shoe and ripped off. “Patrick, you have my train!” Blake was said to have protested. Martha Stewart, for some reason, chimed in with “Well, better give it back to her.” [NYDN] ● Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Cy Waits were attacked by one of the starlet’s stalkers yesterday as they were headed to court to testify against her stalker from last year. Paris live tweeted the scuffle, making sure her mom knew first: “omg @kathyhilton!” [NYP] ● The preview for the eighth and final chapter of the Legend of Hogwarts, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two, has been released. Will Harry fulfill his destiny? Read the book to find out! [Huff Post]

● Ex-Jersey Shore-goer Angelina is pregnant. Can babies be born with tans? How about alcohol poisoning? Somebody please save this child. [TMZ] ● For their “God Save Us From Wills and Kate” commemorative issue, British mag NME asked Tyler, the Creator (who, coincidentally, will be in London on Friday) if he was ‘excited’ or ‘really excited’ about the upcoming royal wedding, to which he responded: “Who the fuck is that? Nigga, I’m from Compton.” [NME] ● Werner Herzog is retroactively re-naming all his films the same thing: Gazing Into The Abyss. Aguirre? Abyss. Fitzcarraldo? Abyss. Grizzly Man? Yes, yes: Abyss. [NYM]

Morning Links: Justin Bieber has a situation, Martha Stewart’s a grandmother

● Nickelodeon is looking to win back the generation of early watchers who were raised on their early ’90s programming. They are dedicating the too-late-for-current-Nick-viewers midnight-to-2 AM time slot to golden-era favorites like Pete and Pete, Rugrats and Clarissa Explains It All. The ’90s Are All That, indeed! [EW] ● The numbers are in and this years richest rappers are as follows: Diddy, $475 million; Jay-Z, $450 million; Dr. Dre $125 million; and tied for fifth, 50 Cent and Birdman with an easy $100 million a piece. Diddy’s got Ciroc, 50’s got a burgeoning career in cinema, and Jay’s got a kingdom — how did Birdman, a fairly middling rapper with little output, make this list? It had to be swag. [Forbes] ● There was something of a situation yesterday outside Justin Bieber’s London hotel where hundreds of screaming girls had gathered to get a glimpse of the pop god. Ironically, as a result of the mania, Justin had to cancel the Beatles tour he had planned. [TMZ]

● Martha Stewart is a grandmother, but don’t call her that! Baby Jude will be referring to her as “Martha,” just like the rest of us. [People] ● The end of this relationship has been teased almost since it began four years ago, but it looks like Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have finally parted ways. Justin has had his chances of love and will surely have many more. Also, we’re single! [NYDN] ● After years of being banned for his anti-authoritarian bends, China is finally warming up to the idea of Bob Dylan. Or maybe he has just cooled down enough for them. “He evokes more nostalgia than notoriety,” said a Chinese-American musician, noting a probably pleasing change in Dylan’s brand. Dylan will play two shows, one in Shanghia and another in Beijing, tickets should still be available. [Yahoo/AP]

Morning Links: AOL Buys Huffington Post, Charlie Sheen Dances the Night Away

● AOL’s Tim Armstrong and Huffinton Post’s Arianna Huffington jack-knifed post-Super Bowl talk last night by announcing AOL’s $315 million acquisition of the Huff Po. How about that Groupon commercial? [AllThingD’s] ● Lil Wayne helped the Wall Street Journal live blog last night’s game from the endzone, while Birdman made a milli. [WSJ/HipHopDX] ● LCD Soundsystem is bowing out, just like frontman James Murphy said they would, but not until they complete a three hour victory jam at Madison Square Garden. All guests are asked to wear white and/or black. Should be special. [Pitchfork]

● Martha Stewart thought Fergie looked great at last night’s halftime show. [Twitter] ● Meet Guy Pelly, the best friend of Prince William and Prince Harry, who’s been charged with organizing Prince William’s bachelor party. Exotic locales! Girls! Booze! Prying eyes await the scandalizing photos. [NYT] ● Looped three times, this video of Charlie Sheen dancing is almost art. [TMZ]