A couple of years ago, I wrote this piece about being single and finding love in the city. It was essentially about me being ready for what I want and knowing I deserved it. I put everything I had been feeling out there and it even got me a couple of dates. Now, almost two years later I am still single. Is your jaw on the ground? Honestly, this fact doesn’t even shock me anymore. However, it does leave me wondering why.
I am approaching the 28th year of my life and I am more open than ever, more awake and attentive to what and who’s around me. So why? Why am I still going through these familiar motions of being available? In a recent conversation with my friend Matt, he stated that maybe I want to be single, or else I’d be trying harder.Ouch. While there is some truth behind that statement, the real truth is, frankly, I am just fucking tired. I guess I’ve faltered a little bit in the past two years.
Right after my first piece was released I started hanging out with a guy who could get away with lots of bullshit because of his ultra-pretty face. This one time, months after we had stopped hooking up, I invited him to a work event, we were after all still friends. We roamed around the Public Theater drinking various cocktails and eating a multitude of food. While sitting in a booth around the time we had each finished our sixth drink, he asked “How do you feel about me?” I paused and thought about my options. I could beat around the bush and lie or I could speak honestly and say that I hadn’t really stopped thinking about him. I chose the latter and spewed my feelings all over that pretty face of his. His response still echoes in my brain when I recall this night: “I feel the exact same way…(10 second pause) about somebody else.” He then proceeded to tell me about this girl he was crushing on. Really? I was dumbfounded as I tossed back another drink and listened to him ramble on. There was really no point in him even posing this question, knowing very well how he felt. Thank god this happened to me and I can laugh about it, because this should cripple the hearts of everyone.
Then there was the office cutie I swooned for everyday until one night he was in my bedroom standing before my eyes and I actually had the balls to tell him: “I feel like I manifested you.” Saying it out loud makes me think that I should probably never say this to anyone ever…but it’s still hilarious. Over the summer I met a really great guy on Howaboutwe.com. I made a profile and paid the $30 subscription rate, which allowed me to message people and browse profiles. I thought to myself fuck it and joined for one month. If I want something to happen I have to put in some effort. I ended up involved with this really great gentleman; someone who I actually give credit to breaking me free from past patterns and the same old bullshit (see above). He flipped the switch at a time in my life where I could have still been longing after that office cutie.
I’ve spent the last couple of months focusing on myself and trying to stabilize my life after a summer of traveling, freelancing and changing jobs. And while I once used work as an excuse to not find love, I know this is no longer true. I can’t help but keep wondering about the why. Why am I still single? I have tried! I was a Time Out New York Single! This past weekend I tried Tinder and rejoined OKCupid, all of which lasted about a day. There’s something about being able to rapidly judge someone on looks alone that makes me uncomfortable and decide yes or no with a quick swipe to the left or right. Left for hell no, right for you’re decent. My head just isn’t in the online dating game right now. There are other ways to try.
In the last two years I’ve moved apartments three times. Sometimes we think that we need to get one area of our lives stable before love can find us, or any other part of our lives can work out. Why though? I want to fly, I want to do things and be on the move, why can’t I find someone to join me on my journey through this life? Why can’t we travel together? Why can’t this area of my life be stable and then everything else work out after that? Why is this awesome human being I’m supposed to meet taking his sweet ass time to get to me? Maybe it was the guy who made eye contact with me, when my aura was feeling top notch. Universe, you are killing me. Perhaps the reason I haven’t found someone long term is because I am not supposed to be in New York? Maybe it’s me that has to travel the road and maybe some awesome person is wondering why I am taking so long to arrive. Maybe I should change course all together? New York, am I ready to be done with you? That’s a different story entirely…
Right now though, men of NYC I am out, I am pulsing with the world. I am at a point in my life where I want to feel good, and I have become selective as to how I spend my time, which I am totally OK with. You will probably still find me on a dance floor but you won’t find me clinging to my youth at a loft party that always starts way too late. I told a fellow single friend of mine when she asked me how she could gain confidence and not be afraid of guys. I told her to 1. Figure out why she’s afraid to feel good and 2. Figure out what makes her feel good and do that. When you feel good, things can happen, your perception of what sucks can shift which makes it not so bad.
As this year is rapidly drawing to a close, I am eternally grateful for this all the experiences I have had, what a crazy journey. I remember and say goodbye to some life shifting eye-opening moments and await what lies ahead. The ony thing I know for sure is right here, right now and that whatever is going to happen, let it happen. We are always taken care of. I feel good! I’m still ready. I’m coming for you awesome person!