Links: Jay-Z’s Spice Girls Moment; Mitt Romney’s G-Unit Jump-In

● Hugh Jackman is going to break out into song, in Chinese, in an upcoming role. Those involved in the cottage industry that pirated early copies of Wolverine are going through an intensely “meta” phase of their lives right now. [AP] ● Jay-Z recently thanked the Spice Girls at an awards show. Rumors that he’ll debut his new single “99 (Post-Modern) Problems” at Webster Hall tonight are unconfirmed, but smart money says you’ll regret not going. [Rap Radar] ● The guy from the B-52’s whose war cry of “ROCK LOBSTAH!” is back with a new single, about having hams thrown at him. While the American Civil Liberties Union will no doubt come out in support of your ability to throw hams at the “ROCK LABSTAH!” guy, Abraham Foxman of the Anti-Defamation League was unavailable for comment. []

● Conan O’Brien’s going to be participating in some kind of live show he’ll be taking on the road. Imagine his disappointment when he gets rescheduled to make way for the Harlem Globetrotters Reunion Tour, tentatively titled “Alley-Oops, Sucka.” [The Wrap] ● Some “rapper” calling himself “Sky Blu” has claimed to have been assaulted by Mitt Romney, who is currently in the process of getting his G-Unit membership certified, part of which involves ridding the world of rappers less ridiculous than themselves. [ANIMAL NY]

Links: Hole Becomes Whole Again; Women Aren’t Getting Laid; Telephone Pop

● Courtney Love and the rest of Hole jammed together for the first time in over ten years. A rise in huff-able drugs would not be completely unexpected. [Spin] ● Skinny Kelly Osbourne is dressing like Fred Flintstone. Her father still sounds like he has prehistoric rocks in his mouth when he speaks. It works, kind of. [The Sun] ● Women aren’t getting laid because the men they typically get laid by are sick of them. Better than sick by by them, right? [Gawker]

American Idol was finally beaten in the ratings war. How does it feel to be bested by a twirling stoner on plexiglass nicknamed “The Flying Tomato,” Simon Cowell? Kinda pitchy, dawg. [Business Insider] ● A list of the ten most culturally relevant telephones. Somehow, Colin Farrell’s Phone Booth didn’t make the list. But yes, The Duck Phone of Jersey Shore did. Naturally. [Flavorwire] ● Hipster Runoff contemplates the most “Important Bro in the Music Biz” that is somehow, unbelievably, not Hipster Runoff. [Hipster Runoff]

Links: Gaga Fails to Make Esquire’s ‘Best Dressed’; Your Vagina’s Talking; Long Duk Dong, Remembered

Esquire‘s list of the Best Dressed Men of All Time failed to include Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy Theorists everywhere cry foul. [Esquire] ● Your vagina has things to say. Well, someone else’s vagina has things to say. And that vagina thinks your vagina should listen to it talk about your vagina and vaginae everywhere, and what everyone’s respective vaginae has to say to their respective owners. [Crushable] ● Axl Rose took time out of his busy schedule to un-invite people who weren’t going to show up to his concerts in the first place. Paradise City, Population: Axl Rose. [Village Voice]

● John Hughes will get a tribute to his work at this year’s Oscars; tragically, the kid who plays Long Duk Dong is not scheduled to appear. Yet. [Deadline Hollywood Daily] ● Snooki from Jersey Shore is being “evolved” by society (our words, but either way: yes) as she has confessed to reading her first book. It is not Goodnight Moon, but it is also not Gravity’s Rainbow. Can you guess what she’s reading? Also, suggestions for other Snooki-ready literature. We suggest she moves towards the great French thinkers: Madeline, then Camus. The joke is that she’s a dumbass. [Guest of a Guest] ● This dog and Taylor Swift are basically twins, down to the pitchy howl and everything. Even the whole “underdog” complex. Seriously. Because it’s a dog. [TinyPic]

Links: Sarah Palin Pissed at Family Guy; Pussy Soup; Solange Knowles Gets ‘Dirty’

● Sarah Palin is pissed because Family Guy made fun of her family, and called them “heartless jerks.” Family Guy has yet to respond, but as long as the talking dog or baby says it, it will probably be funny. [New York Times] ● Want to know how to become a stalkerite? A socialite? A party reporter who stalks socialites and gains access to places they otherwise have no business being (or chance to be there)? Then someone’s got your number. [Guest of a Guest] ● The UK Sun announces that American women are the best in the world. American men everywhere groan at the prospect of being told how “good” they “have it” for the twelfth time today. [The Sun]

● Beyonce’s sister, Solange Knowles, performed with indie hit machine Dirty Projectors at Fashion Week. It was awesome. Nothing else, just: awesome. Somewhere, the guy running Hipster Runoff is flummoxed. [FluxTumblr] ● Some guy is being recorded by his wife as he talks total nonsense through his sleep. You probably sound something like this, too, the difference being, you won’t get a book deal. They actually might. [BoingBoing] ● An Italian TV chef was fired for trying to push his “cat soup” recipe on the tube. For some reason, he did not respond to authorities by calling them “a bunch of yellow-bellied pussies.” [Eater]

Links: Courtney Loves Cobain’s Money; Smoking Sports Illustrated Models, Literally

● At a party celebrating their incredible achievement in publishing, the hot, slamming, rock-hard bods of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue had the hottest butts in the room…in their mouths. A bunch of S.I. swimsuit models were puffing the night away at their magazine party. [TMZ] ● Ke$ha sucks too much to actually deface the Hollywood sign, so some activists who want to save it did it for her. The ADA has yet to recommend brushing your teeth with whiskey, however. [LA Times] ● The money quote from Courtney Love’s recent Spin interview, literally: “I married a guy, he killed himself, I inherited everything. That’s the way it goes.”. [Spin via Guest of a Guest]

● Because if the world of theater needs any kind of spicing up, it needs the kind of “spice” that wields a crack-like addiction for Asian tweens and overgrown Asian tweens alike. It needs the kind of stunning visual imagery that could easily provoke an epileptic seizure or three. And it needs to be more sparkly, glittery, twee, and totally nonsensical, moreso than anything that could have ever of come before it. It needs Hello Kitty: The Show. And it’s here. [Cool Hunting] ● Botox injections might put the kibosh on being sad or pissed off, which is “tied to a phenomenon called the facial feedback hypothesis,” which is essentially: if you can’t move your face into a frown, you can only be happy. So, basically, there are a bunch of people walking around who look like : ) or something like it. Yet another reason The Rich have better lives than you, plebe. [Discovery] ● According to the New York Times, the Bad Boys of Art — Damien Hirst, Sterling Ruby, Banks Violet, et al — are taking over New York. In other news, if you’ve ever wanted to get paid to piss on a canvas after melting a box of neon crayons on it while under the influence of two jars of Carolina Moonshine, your moment to shine has arrived. [New York Times]

Links: Taylor Lautner Becomes a Man, Cats vs. Snow, Unclean Balls

● It’s Taylor Lautner’s 18th Birthday! Time to celebrate the hunky man-meat boy Taylor Swift dumped, who is both now single and old enough to buy porn. And maybe cigarettes! The questionably tan object of affection for swooning and gaydar-unequipped teenage girls everywhere is currently being fought over by movie studios duking it out over who gets to make the next movie of Lautner doing backflips and roundhouse kicks and fancy gymnastics moves. [Videogum and Deadline Hollywood Daily] ● Like Alka Seltzer and Birds, Mentos and Pepsi, and Pop Rocks and Oral Sex, Cats and Snow have no business being together other than to the satisfy sadistic human impulse of bizarre “What if?” physical experimentation. But seeing as how there’s not much else to do on a snow day besides throw your cat in snow, a bunch of people did, and put it on YouTube. [The Awl] ● Why read a blog post when you can sing it? Spider Man’s next movie is gonna be in your face and in 3-D and sans Tobey Maguire. Dave Itzkoff at the New York Times wrote a song about the news as his post on it, to the original Spider Man theme song. [ArtsBeat]

● You know what’s magic about pizza? Unless you got it from the Mellow Mushroom, absolutely nothing. Until a bunch of magical wunderkinds are eating it. On that note, presenting: a picture of the Harry, Ron, and Hermione, eating pizza. The most delicious and magical pizza in the world. Obviously. [People with Pizza] ● Axe ascends to new levels of suck as they advertise their douche-scrub with an attempted viral “Wash Your Balls” campaign. People who sincerely enjoyed Jersey Shore because they identified with the characters will inevitably send it to their loved ones, ideally pre-empting a laugh that they’ll probably get. [YouTube] ● Google’s threatening to shut down Mp3 blogsusing Blogspot, which includes seminal sources for good music Gorilla vs. Bear, who are scared their life’s work of making music other people pay for free with their words attached to it is going to go the way of the Buffalo. [Guardian UK]

Links: Rachel Uchitel, Broadcast Journalist; John Mayer’s Racist Penis

● Patient Zero in the Tiger Woods Tales of Tail, Rachel Uchitel, scores a gig as a special correspondent for Extra by impressing producers after being interviewed by the Barbara Walters of Hunky Vapid Latino Celebrity News Correspondents, Mario Lopez. [NY Post] ● Durex puts out an ad about blowjobs, giving rise to lots of questions about the people who use (or don’t use) condoms during oral sex. Which one are you? Etc. [Jezebel] ● 40% of French guys polled think they’re the best in the sack in all of Europe. Too bad the biggest vote for best lovers from French women goes to Italian men. [Daily Mail]

● New York shopping blog Racked goes National. [Racked] ● John Mayer has a penis. He uses it to navigate various wonderlands. And that penis happens to be a total racist. Southern Poverty Law Center, where you at?! [Mediaite] ● The Cutest Tagger in America, UTAH, is now out of jail. And she’s still totally cute and totally spray painting things. [Gothamist]

Links: Nicole Richie To Star In Sitcom

● How does one quit Hollywood? I’m not sure, but starring in a sitcom doesn’t seem like the way to do it. Nicole Richie says she’s desperate to move to New York City away from L.A.’s paparazzi, but just signed on to star in a pilot for ABC. [Showbizspy, Variety] ● Will Jon Gosselin be making an appearance on The Hills as Kristin’s BF? Probably not, but it seems Gosselin has complied a short list of Hollywood ladies he would not like to make eight babies with, and it includes The Hills villainess, Whitney Port, and Lindsay Lohan. Two train wrecks don’t make a right. [HollywoodGossip] ● Rihanna, ever the role model, says every girl should have naked pixs taken of them. [TheSun]

● Edward Cullen joins Lloyd Dobler and Rhett Butler (among others) as one of cinema’s most celebrated and lusted after on-screen stalkers. [EW] ● Pete Doherty just can’t catch a break. Because he’s an idiot. Kate Moss’s ex was booed off stage in Germany after singing the Third Reich, a.k.a. the Nazi, national anthem. [Telegraph] ● Former Brat Packer Anthony Michael Hall bit his girlfriend’s Diana Falzone’s forehead during a heated argument. Falzone has since obtained a temporary restraining order against the actor. [P6]

Links: A Very Hasselhoff Thanksgiving

●It’s safe to say David Hasselhoff did not have a good Thanksgiving weekend. After being brought to the hospital via ambulance on Friday, the Hoff has gone the way of Britney and Mischa and is under a 5150 involuntary psychiatric hold at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. [Radar] ●World does not tilt off its axis: Gyllenspoon are still together. [People] ●Although Victoria Secret begged Jay-Z to walk its red carpet, he declined to be photographed with llingerie models out of respect to his wife Beyonce. [PopCrunch]

●In related Hasselhoff news, ex-Mrs. Hoff, Pamela Bach was arrested for DUI over the weekend. But don’t worry she called TMZ to tell them she was on her way to an AA meeting. [TMZ] ●Father of emo, Morrissey says he thinks suicide is “honorable” and “understands people who do it.” [NME] ●Gerard Butler blames his absentee father, and not fame or an endless supply of Rock of Love rejects, for his commitment issues. [ContactMusic]