Foolish daughter of an idiot woman Bristol Palin has been in the news recently for lambasting President Obama for his courageous—if begrudingly given—endorsement of same sex marriage. Coincidentally, her terrible memoir, Not Afraid of Life, is coming out in paperback. In order so that you don’t have to read it—which would be like that machine in The Princess Bride for your brain—here are the best worst lines with which to soothe yourself from her inane arguments against Obama. Use them as mantras to calm yourself, for after all, if a person is capable of writing these lines, no credence should be given to anything she ever says, ever.
"Seven in ten teens have had sex by the time they turn nineteen, frequently in sprite of their best intentions and moreal beliefs."
"Arctic Cat is the manufacturer of my favorite snowmachines…and I’m not just saying that because they sponsor my dad in the Iron Dog!"
"I just loved babies—real ones!—like most girls love toys or dolls."
"Uncle Mikle prepped the Taser, and Payton started getting more and more nervous….I never really thought Uncle Mike would actually go through with it…But I was wrong."
"In the seventh grade, my locker was right beside Levi Johnston’s."
"Once a note landed on my desk and I carefully unfolded the paper. I gasped when I read what [Levi] had written. Will u be my gurl?"
"I thought I was headed into an evening of harmless high school fun. But really, I was headed into the deep quicksand of sexual sin, during a night that I barely remembered. The next morning I woke up…."
"’I’m not going to show my stomach because I have a son at home,’" I told them, "’And I’m not going to show cleavage because that looks just like a butt crack.’"
"It helps to reach out to the only one who truly offers hope in this world. No, not President Obama. Isaiah 41:10 says…."
"To Paige Adams Geller, the Wasilla girl who founded Paige Premium Deni, and who keeps my entire family looking good in PPD!"