Another Haiti Earthquake Disaster: Simon Cowell’s Star-Studded Charity Single

It’s not that bashing celebrities who “lend their efforts” towards Haiti earthquake relief is suddenly trendy. It’s that someone has to call out crocodile tears. With all sorts of disasters–natural and man-made–wreaking havoc across the globe, maybe A-listers shouldn’t just piggyback on the latest media-friendly calamity to ravage the world. As we’ve already learned, philanthropy is a ruthless game of one-upmanship. And issuing competing charity singles obscures the plight of those who have lost their homes, family members or gone missing. There’s already one crappy charity single in the works, so why make another one? There’s also the question, why do people have to be duped into buying a piece of substandard pop in order to help the cause?

(‘DiggThis’)It’s a fact of life that massive star power equals massive mediocrity. Too much celebrity tends to make any charity effort bulky and soggy. Precedents: This milquetoast remake of “Walk This Way” and “We Are the World”.

And from the man who’s mostly to blame for foisting “Bleeding Love” upon the world, there’s no reason to believe that “Everybody Hurts” won’t suck entirely when performed by all of these musicians: Elton John, Michael Bublé, Mariah Carey, Susan Boyle, JLS, Miley Cyrus, Rod Stewart, Robbie Williams, Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke, Joe McElderry, Take That, Mika, James Blunt, Cheryl Cole, Westlife, Coldplay, James Morrison, Paolo Nutini, Leona Lewis, Florence and the Machine, Take That, and others. But the most charitable part of this? R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe has confirmed that he’s waiving all royalties of this charity single’s sales. For a man that still cares about his musical integrity, that’s impressive.

But before you think that Cowell’s acting purely out of the goodness of his heart, take note: Lewis, Boyle, Burke, McElderry, and Westlife are all artists signed onto Cowell’s record label. Cole, meanwhile, sits alongside Cowell as a judge on X Factor. No matter their intentions, this is a sweeping gesture of goodwill that will show returns in massive publicity. The bigger question: What is Cowell trying to say with the song choice of “Everybody Hurts”? “Get over it, Haiti. Everybody hurts. Everybody suffers a 7.0 earthquake once in a while. But then you have to move on!”

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 5 Celebrities Who Should Be Packaged With Care

Did you know that today is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day? Apparently for want of some kind of cultural milestone to call its own, a terrible Indiana-based radio station started, nine years ago, to celebrate the advent of the packaging material on the last Monday of every January. This year marks the 50th anniversary of bubble wrap. And while popping bubble wrap in between your thumb and forefinger remains the most inexpensive form of therapy that exists, let’s take time out to explore bubble wrap’s primary purpose: To keep things from breaking. After the jump: Five celebrities who could be rolled in bubble wrap for red-eye flights between JFK and LAX to prevent fatigue, exhaustion, and further breakdowns.

(‘DiggThis’) • Miley Cyrus. Cyrus is a star who hasn’t burned out completely, but is definitely showing signs of wear’n’tear. But cross-country travel can be quite taxing, especially on such a young starlet. For which reason, reams of bubble wrap will be necessary. Packing peanuts would also be a sensible precaution to make sure Cyrus’ sentience doesn’t eventually shatter out like Britney Spears’ before her.

Christian Bale. We’re already aware of Bale’s volatility and the grueling lengths he’ll go to for the sake of his art. So to make sure that he doesn’t become more unhinged, it may be an excellent idea to triple-wrap him. Should the plane experience some particularly bumpy turbulence, we wouldn’t want Bale to unleash one of his tirades on helpless flight attendants.

Chris Brown. Same as Bale, but Brown may require additional sedatives. Unlike Bale, he hasn’t been on his best behavior lately. The lack of a fixed date for National Wine Day comes in handy then, as flight attendants should feel free to administer sippy cup after sippy cup of cabernet to Brown.

Leona Lewis. Unlike Cyrus, Lewis is delicate. One has to wonder if all the bubble wrap in America can get Lewis safely to her destination.

* Bai Ling. Seriously. Despite been crowned the Fug Queen, Ling must have the steeliest resolve in the world, to get up morning after morning, and slap on her fugliest mini-dress. And you know what tends to fracture that kind of confidence? A lack of sleep due to jet-setting. Handlers would do well to take extra care with this one, too.

Leona Lewis Eyes Oscar Ambitions As Auteur

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I wonder what a screenplay as penned by pop superstar Leona Lewis would look like? Would it be a soaring political thing like Letters from Iwo Jima or a feat of you-go-girl triumphance like Million Dollar Baby? Would it delicately touch upon the ills plaguing our society?” What if within Lewis is a budding Dogme 95 superstar and Leona Lewis has, in her well-manicured nails, a handheld camera to help her helm the next Dancer in the Dark? Would Lewis have a high profile clash with Björk that would send her running into the woods? Would Americans go onto decry her as anti-American, turning her into a fringe idol among European hipsterati? Wonder no more, friend! Because Leona Lewis has exclusively revealed her eventual plans to branch out into the fascinating world of film.

And like any output originating from The World of Leona Lewis, her desires to get behind the camera and pow-wow with the crew remains generic and abstract. Says Lewis to the Daily Star, “I love movies but I’m more into scriptwriting and the actual story and behind the scenes. But I wouldn’t say no if it was the right thing.” But woe! What is the right thing, then? Lewis never goes onto even do anything as bait us and instead we’re forced to look at what sparked discussion about Lewis as director and screenwriter

Which is simply this: She’s going home with an Oscar come 2010! Lewis is basically tipped to become to James Cameron’s Avatar what Celine Dion was to Titanic. She also has a song on the Precious soundtrack. Although that one’s ineligible for Oscar consideration as it wasn’t written for the film’s soundtrack specifically.

Either way, apparently oohing and aahing while other people act dramatically over your oohing and aahing is enough these days to push you into a director’s seat. Just ask J.Lo.

Leona Lewis to Tailor New Boring, Bloody Clothing Line

Whyyyy, Leona Lewis? I don’t know what I did to piss you off in a past life but you just. won’t. go. away. You keep bleeding, keep on bleeding love thereby causing my ears to keep bleeding, keep on bleeding. Just bleeding. It’s a very agonizing ache you’re putting me through, LeLew. And now, you’re going to take your boringness to people’s armoires! How bleeding fantastic. I suppose I’m supposed to grant you a little clemency because it’s animal-friendly and you’re vegetarian and that somewhere between those two facts, a few saved chickens means that Mother Earth will somehow suffer from fewer CO2 emissions. But what about all that plastic your CDs are printed on, LeLew? Those aren’t eco-friendly!

Anyway, seems the large-lunged singer is pairing up with Stella McCartney to make some green while helping to make the globe go green. Apparently a source told The Daily Mirror, “Leona and Stella get on like a house on fire.” Like a house on fire. Let’s archive that golden simile away for future usage. “They met at the recent Children In Need charity show at London’s Royal Albert Hall. They are both vegetarians, don’t wear leather and are huge animal lovers. The line would be very animal-friendly.” But to really drum home the animal rights sentiment Lewis has been advocating ever since “Bleeding Love” took a vice-grip over the world, here is her signature anthem. Performed in Tagalog.

Leona Lewis Blocks $1.5 Million ‘Playboy’ Offer, Gives Fans Another ‘Fantasy’

Casual one-woman Snow Patrol coverband Leona Lewis has reportedly turned down an offer to disrobe for Playboy to the tune of over $1.5 million. She was said to be flattered by the offer though, which is a gracious way of saying, “Seriously, creative directors of failing girlie mag? You’re going to try to follow up Heidi effing Montag and an illustration with me, the one and only Leona Lewis? Excuse me while I bleed love all over you.” Still, Lewis is committed to serving her manbase. So she’s agreed to warble the theme to Final Fantasy XIII.

Well, technically, she already warbled said theme and stuck it on her sophomore album Echo in the form of the faux epic “My Hands”. Sure, despite it’s fepic nature, “My Hands” may never become memorable as far as video game music goes. But the last time a pop act extend a franchise into the gaming world, it was a marker of how iconic they had become. And the time before that, too. With Lewis rapidly approaching alleged “iconic” status then, Simon Cowell must be simply giddy.

Here’s a fan-engineered take on what a final product could look like. The clip lends a little credence to the usual bit of flackery being disseminated with statements like “Leona is a natural fit for the game’s powerful themes and strong female protagonist.” Although, case in point.

Post-Solange: Lady Gaga, Leona Lewis, & Other Unlikely Covers

Yesterday, we knew nothing about Beyogaga and it was “Sol-Angel this!” and “Hadley St. Dreams that!” Then heads exploded as Solange gave The Dirty Projectors a slick makeover. In a vain bid to extend Solange’s mission of fipster goodwill into a wave of good news for the superlative popstrel that’ll still be relevant by the time next week rolls around, here’s an obligatory trend piece! No, not one about rock-and-roll types legitimizing pop songs/”Single Ladies”, rather the exact opposite. Because irony for irony’s sake is so passé. With pop stars, it’s about self-awareness as a device in furthering careers. It’s about bringing music to the masses. It’s about saving lives. Too far? Fine, fine. In any case, a round-up of some recent exemplary rock covers that pop stars have performed for some reason or another.

In true fashion, Leona Lewis reduces Snow Patrol’s “Run” to a bland ballad that sits pretty next to “Bleeding Love” and “Happy.”

Girls Aloud has incorporated their version of Wheatus’ “Teenage Dirtbag” into their live tours.

Meanwhile Kelly Clarkson performs White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army.” In addition to that, she also serves up a Alanis Morrissette/Kings of Leon combo and her spin on this Black Keys tune.

In a previous life, the Sugababes covered the Arctic Monkeys’ “I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor” for the NME set. And last week, they gave Florence & the Machine’s “Rabbit Heart” a whirl.

And of course, Lady Gaga performs Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida.”

Leona Lewis Obsessed, Not Robsessed with ‘Twilight’

Pop singer Leona Lewis, whose soundbites have gotten substantially more interesting since that very unfortunate incident, has come on the record on the most important newsbeat to emerge this year: Twilight. She whispers, “I’m obsessed with the Twilight films.” This in turn leads us to believe that in addition to marathoning the vampire franchise, an ideal night in for Lewis would also involve inviting best friend and former Sugababe Keisha Buchanan over to munch on Kinder Bueno bars, paint each other’s toenails, and take the piss out of the celebrity-industrial complex.

Lewis has also firmly made it clear that she isn’t on Team Rob. “Everyone seems to fancy Rob, but I’m definitely Team Taylor! I think he’s really hot.” Unfortunately for her, Taylor Lautner has already been snapped up by another Taylor. Because the world is just that small.

Lewis has already made eyes for True Blood as well. “I’m totally mad over shows like True Blood,” she says. Although perhaps playing “Bleeding Love” in a scene of heartbreak between Sookie and Bill would possibly be overstating the point. And she offers to the press, in hopes that Alan Ball not only hears but is tickled by the idea, “I’d die if someone asked me to be in something like that. It’d be a dream come true.”

More fitting? That in Lewis’ more obscure oeuvre lies an unreleased album titled Twilight.

Linday Lohan’s Last Hope: Taylor Swiftian Victim Complex

Maybe it’s most telling that Lindsay Lohan’s star sign is Cancer. Because given failure after effing failure, there is something malignant about how lately, no matter how hard she tries, everything she touches is terminal. Take for example her part-time charge as couturiere for Ungaro, which ended in ill-placed pasties and bloodshed and her ensuing salary, the kind of payment that a fashion house might pay an intern for her troubles: a heap of tattered rags. And now, with LiLo’s label dropping her, it seems her third album, Spirit in the Dark is doomed to stay, well, in the dark.

Lohan, an American chanteuse widely revered for such classics as “Rumors” and “Confessions of a Broken Heart”, has been hard at work on this album for the past 16+ months. Spirit In the Dark is only rivaled by Amy Winehouse’s forthcoming album as “third album by a recording artist that will probably never see the light of day but that everyone waits with bated breath to hear anyway.” Will the history of music, present and future, be blemished by the absence of a third record by Lohan to complete any sensible pop triumvirate the aspiring mogulista was prepping herself for? Quite.

So it’s for that reason that Lohan needs to put down that pack of Pall Malls, take a deep breath, and jump back a few steps. She needs to examine how American music-buyers are quick to sympathize with a victim. She should fix her bloodshot eyes most notably on Taylor Swift, who sold out a batch of her first American tour dates in two minutes, probably because she does wounded gazelle so darn well. Swift is Taylor-made as a Lifetime movie-of-the-week princess, and it’s here that Lohan would do well to study Swift’s method acting approach to reporters and red carpets.

This isn’t a particularly nuanced role. Heck, even Rihanna delivers a similar effect with all the subtlety of a catapult. Nor does Lohan ever show a sign of slowing down, which even Leona Lewis did after being attacked by way of canceling some promotional duties.

It’s odd though, because in light of all her tragic failures, Lohan has shown headstrong moxie that is visibly absent from the tabloid box-steps of Taylor Swift, Rihanna, and Leona Lewis, making the world at large that much less likely to endear to her. Because when it comes to nubile twenty-something starlets, frail flowers are probably easier to regard than hardy weeds.

Leona Lewis Attacked in London

ZOMG. “Bleeding Love” is an incredible pop song about love and masochism. People who listen to too much pop music are masochists. Leona Lewis and her listeners might be masochists. Which doesn’t explain the sadistic freak who attacked her in a London bookstore this evening.

Lewis was singing copies of her book when some guy came up to her, hit her, and left. What would Leona do to someone to cause them to arbitrarily hit her in the face? Not sure. Maybe it was just a crazed fan. Maybe it was someone who wanted to engage her masochism-on-masochism sound. Whoever it was, they now have him — and it was definitely a him — in police custody.

“My brother saw the whole incident,” one fan at the book store told the BBC. “He (the attacker) walked up there with the book, she signed it and, as she looked up, he just punched her.”

Of all the singers to get punched in the face, Leona Lewis? It’s kind of shocking. And strange. Here’s hoping Lewis recovers from this fairly traumatic, insane event: a jam from The Crystals via one Mr. Phil Spector, who would end up being incredibly abusive to his several wives while making some of the best pop music in the history of the genre. Spector ended up taking it too far, as he’s now in jail for life. Pop music inspires some insane things. Some truly insane things.