How To Figure Out If You’re Dating the Kid of a Celebrity

Right before Christmas I met a boy in a bar. He was tall, adorable, and we immediately started chatting about music. Before the night came to an end, we exchanged information and he took my phone to add me as a friend on Facebook. When I noticed his last name, one that isn’t very common, I laughed and jokingly asked if he was the son of the celebrity with the same last name. His response was abrupt and strange: “No. I fucking hate that guy.” Um, OK.

The celebrity in question would not evoke such a response from anyone. Unless, of course, they knew him intimately and, for a fact, that he’s absolute shit. His on-air persona, although sometimes aloof and douchy, does not make one hate him. It just doesn’t. It was when I asked him what his dad did a couple weeks later that I was able to know for sure. Even then he didn’t say who his dad was; it was just obvious at that point. Maybe he doesn’t know that his father is pretty much a legend in our generation, or maybe he just doesn’t give a fuck.

I let it go. I don’t care who is father is; it has zero effect on how I feel about him. But some people do care about this shit. True star-fuckers, if they can’t score the celebrity, will take the offspring if they can.

As someone who has more than a few friends who have found themselves dating the kids or step-kids of celebrities, unless the kid is a show-off asshole, it’s virtually impossible to know exactly from where the person came. The only time the truth comes out is when you show up for a family dinner and find yourself across from say, Michael Douglas, and you’re forced to play it cool. Michael Douglas was in Romancing the Stone! You can’t be cool around that!

So, how do you know? Whether it’s for family dinner preparation or because you’re a greedy, gold-digging fame whore, there are five easy ways to figure it all out. Because sometimes Google can fail you in these circumstances, especially when you’re dealing with a family that does everything within their power to keep their lives private. (Oh, the famous and their I’m-so-special ways!)

“I fucking hate that guy.” The last name is a dead giveaway, especially if it’s not common. And if you do what I did and jokingly ask if there’s any relation, not thinking for one second there actually is, and the response is something aggressive out of left field, then, well, you’ve got yourself a celebrity’s kid.

Mannerism dissection. A lot of suspicion can be put to bed if you pay attention to mannerisms. Let’s say you’re dating Jack Nicholson’s kid. Now we all know Jack is known for his eyebrows and that Joker-like, crazy grin (even sans Batman make-up), so a lot of questions can be answered if you focus on these details. You’re not staring; you’re appreciating the similarities.

Mild detective skills. If you don’t know what the hell people are talking about when they mention Benson and Stabler, then you need to watch some episodes of Law & Order to truly grasp this maneuver. Where does this person live that you’re dating? Do they just happen to go on a family vacation the same time [celebrity name] was spotted by the paparazzi at the same place? Is their dad “working” at some concert the exact dates that such-and such-band is playing Coachella?

Is their life one of privilege? In NYC, the privileged are a pretty frequent lot. But there’s also a big difference between the privileged and the very privileged. Does this person in question have things in their apartment that others would kill for—like random photos of his mom at Studio 54 with Halston? Did Nirvana play his twelfth birthday? Can he get you into Per Se tonight at 8 PM no problem?

Straight up insult the celebrity in question. Even if the kid is on the outs with their celebrity parents, they won’t put up with someone else talking shit about their mom or dad. Case in point, as proven by a friend of mine: “I was going on and on about how much of a fucking asshole [celebrity name] is. I was criticizing his movies, his style and even his hair, finally D—snapped and exclaimed, ‘that’s my fucking dad! So keep your opinions to yourself.’ I knew it was just a matter of time before he’d have to give up the goods. And his dad does have bad hair.”

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Benson & Stabler Together at Last?

Fans of Law & Order: SVU have been patiently waiting for the episode in which Detectives Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) and Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni) will succumb to more than a decade of sexual tension, finally falling special victim to eleven season’s worth of lusty urges. There’s been much speculation that in the forthcoming 12th and possibly final season, which premieres September 22 on NBC, the partners will become, well, Partners.

Brave EW reporter Michael Ausiello questioned the duo on the red carpet at last night’s Emmy’s and got a bizarre response: Hargitay and Meloni stared deep into each other’s eyes, as if about to tongue tango right there on the red carpet, then said—in a seemingly rehearsed manner—that Benson and Stabler would, “absolutely not” get together this season, but that, “Oh yeah!” they want it to happen. “More than anything.” This video tells a similar story:

Links: Lindsay Lohan is Off Her Leash; Heidi Montag Calls Cops on Mom

● Lindsay Lohan wanted so badly to be let into the Ray-Ban party that she threw a temper tantrum, told security to “fuck off” and possibly even threatened to wear Oakleys. [Page Six] ● The legendary series Law & Order has been canceled, spawning 7,456,349 Facebook groups and Twitter puns from distraught viewers yet to realize the same episode has been on loop for eight years. [Deadline] ● The soundtrack for the new Twilight film, Eclipse, is appropriately “indie,” featuring Vampire Weekend, Jack White’s The Dead Weather and a secret track: the sound of Robert Pattinson breathing for 3 minutes. [MySpace]

● Heidi Montag and her husband Spencer Pratt called the police on Heidi’s own mother when she showed up unannounced at the newly plastic reality star’s house. And Lauren Conrad counts her money again. [TMZ] ● “Jennifer Aniston: I Am Not Eating Baby Food!” Good to know. [People] ● Subway sandwich shop will not just sit back and watch other bread and meat makers use the phrase “footlong.” Pornography is another war altogether. [Gothamist]