Lance Armstrong’s Lies To Hit The Big Screen

The Lance Armstrong doping scandal has "Lifetime Original Movie" written all over it. But Lost producer J.J. Abrams doesn’t think so: he has secured the movie rights to a book about Armstrong’s fall from grace.

New York Times sports journalist Julie Macur’s book Cycle Of Lies: The Fall Of Lance Armstrong won’t be published until June 2013. But Paramount Pictures and J.J. Abrams’ Bad Robot have already secured the film rights to the book. No one else has been attached to the biopic yet, Huffington Post reports

Armstrong has been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles and a bronze medal he won in 2000 Olympics. This week, Oprah Winfrey aired the first part of a two-part  interview in which Armstrong admitted to using performancing enhancing drugs and also to "blood doping," or blood transfusions.

Speculation is now circulating that he lied to Oprah, downplaying how frequently he had used the drugs. NO ONE LIES TO OPRAH AND GETS AWAY WITH IT, LANCE.

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Lance Armstrong Looked Up “Cheat” in the Dictionary

I’m pissed, y’all. It’s bad enough I have to hear about bike lanes and bike etiquette and whatever will New York do about the bikes, WON’T SOMEONE SAVE US FROM BIKES WHILE ALSO SAVING THOSE WHO CHOOSE, AS IS THEIR INALIENABLE RIGHT, TO RIDE THEM. But now I have to hear more about a doping scandal that makes even Major League Baseball look interesting.

It’s cool, though, guys. Lance confessed to everything bad he did. What did he do? Something about having better blood, it sounds like. So how is that cheating? Everyone in the Tour de France has blood, I thought. Not Lance’s fault if you couldn’t afford premium blood, people. That’s just the way the spokes turn.

And, like some college freshman who has to make a statement before the honor committee because he plagiarized a article, Lance was sure to look up the term ‘cheat’ in the dictionary for a loophole. In his interview with Oprah, he tells the world what he found there: “the definition was to gain an advantage on a rival. I didn’t view it that way. I viewed it as a level playing field.” Okay? Case closed. Learn how to read, everyone else."

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Linkage: Megan Fox’s Face is Unreal, Victor Garber’s BF is Sexy, and Screech’s Younger Wife

Esquire’s cover story about Megan Fox begins as follows: “The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It’s not really even that beautiful. It’s closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.” It’s like an advertorial for plastic surgery! [Esquire]

Dustin Diamond, forever known to us all as Screech, gives an interesting interview in which he reveals the other reason older men enjoy the company of younger women: “One of the great things for me is I’ve got a trophy wife. She’s twenty-five and I’m thirty-six. So she’s an entire generation younger, and because of that, there’s stuff I missed that I can go back and appreciate now with her introducing it to me.” (Also, the sex is probably good.) [Splitsider]

Is the music industry too focused on ephemera? That’s what TLC’s T-Boz thinks. “The record business sucks!” she tells The Hollywood Reporter. “Great music, timeless music is hard to come by, but there are some that are like that… Those kind of songs last—your “Waterfalls" or “Unpretty”—but there’s a lot of this "just for the times" music out now, but they don’t last and then everybody’s on the next thing. So I don’t think it will ever be the same, but great music and great musicians still exist.” [THR]

Facebook is gunning to beat Google at the search engine business with the rollout of the new Graph Search, which “offers a massively expanded new way to explore your web social life.” Basically, it means you will never have to ask anyone for anything again, because Facebook will do it for you. It’s good news for those of us who have no intention of leaving our houses. (Heads up, Christine McVie.) [Gizmodo]

Victor Garber is gay, which I admit was NEWS TO ME, and it turns out he looks kinda like a forty-something Williamsburg loft-dweller. But hotter. So good on you, Victor Garber! Keep that shit right up! [Gawker]

There is a group of people now dubbed Male-ennials, they’re sharing “emotional stuff” with each other, they consider Google to be a father figure, and it’s safe to say that I hate all of them. [MTV Insights]

I’m not sure I’m 100% behind the second season of Girls, but I’m 100000% behind Texts From Shoshanna. [Vulture]

Getting the body you’ve always wanted is pretty easy, although there may be some light groundskeeping involved. [The Hairpin]

Lance Armstrong, rug abuser. [Hypervocal]

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Photoshop: Lessons from Julia Roberts, Lance Armstrong, & Debenhams

A bathing suit brand from Britain is looking to give consumers an education in Photoshop, while Julia Roberts and Lance Armstrong have been retouched to the extreme. The Daily Mail has posted a side-by-side comparison of Roberts captured on the street sans make-up next to a Lancome ad that pictures the 42-year-old actress looking utterly flawless-to-inhuman. Roberts might not mind her artificial enhancement given that her gig as the brand’s first global ambassador has reportedly earned her $20 million. Meanwhile, Lance Armstrong is peeved over his recent appearance on the cover of Outside magazine. The celeb-cyclist tweeted: “Nice photoshop on a plain t-shirt guys. That’s some lame bullshit.” British swimwear company Debenhams is taking a stand on the opposite end of the Photoshop spectrum.

“Debenhams says it is now breaking ranks with the rest of the high street by using pictures that have not been digitally enhanced in its windows to launch new swimwear lines,” says the Daily Mail. In addition to highlighting a swimwear model before and after retouching, Debenham goes so far as to point out all the places on the latter that have been tweaked, tightened, and toned. It’s not the first time the retailer has challenged beauty standards. “In January, Debenhams ran a trial with size 16 mannequins in windows… also in February, Debenhams released images using disabled model Shannon Murray to launch the retailer’s new Principles by Ben de Lisi range,” adds the Daily Mail.

Oops! Top Google Accidents of the Week

Google, the clumsy little family run company who’s unofficial motto is “Don’t get caught being evil,” says it’s been accidentally spying on you by accidentally cruising around the streets in high tech data gathering trucks on the prowl for open WiFi networks. Luckily for all involved, it was just an accident – that happens to coincide with their core business model of legally spying on people. Phew! In honor of Sergey Brin, let’s look at some other crazy accidents in the news this week.

Thai soldiers used real live bullets to mistakenly kill anti-government red shirt protesters in Bangkok, as well as an Italian journo covering the conflict.

Lindsay Lohan accidentally missed a court date in the US because she was stuck doing missionary work in the impoverished French village of Cannes.

A male escort from accidentally fell on the dick of a renowned anti-gay activist while carrying his luggage up to his balls. room.

Tour de France hero Lance Armstrong’s former teammate Floyd Landis swears he saw Armstrong accidentally getting blood transfusions in the back of a truck when he won the Tour in 2004.

Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, running for Christopher Dodd’s Senate seat, accidentally “misspoke” about serving in Vietnam. The random accidents occurred with increasing frequency as he ran for political office.

Actor Shia LaBeouf now admits he and others accidentally fucked up the Indiana Jones movies.

BP accidentally fucked up the entire ocean.

In Jamaica, a gentleman by the name of Orville Richard Burrell was once again apprehended shagging on the sofa, in the shower as well as on camera – then proclaimed his innocence via an undeniably catchy tune.

Links: Lance Armstrong Not a Breeder, ‘Gossip Girl’ Spinoff Sputters

● Years after breaking up, Lance Armstrong reveals that it was indeed Sheryl Crow’s ticking biological clock that lead to their split. [P6] ● Lindsay Lohan channels Bettie Page for her Marilyn Monroe-esque Spanish Vogue shoot. [JustJared] ● Head-butting a famous fashion designer does have its consequences; Kiefer Sutherland turned himself in to the NYPD yesterday, but only received a desk appearance ticket for the third-degree assault. [TMZ]

● Mel Gibson will be one of the many celebrities (including Dwight Yoakum, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sarah McLachlan, and Prince) that will be saying goodbye to Jay Leno in his final week as Tonight Show host. [People] ● Neil Patrick Harris thinks his womanizing character on How I Met Your Mother should hook up with Golden Girl Betty White. [Yahoo] ● The Gossip Girl spinoff that was set to follow the teen years of Lily van der Woodsen is officially dead. [DiH]

Star Crossings: Matching Celebrity Hookups

Professional matchmaker Amy Laurent offers advice for Hollywood’s confirmed bachelors and those recently in the doghouse.

What’s in store for Guy Ritchie? Well, he was always Mr. Madonna, but he has in his own accomplishments. He needs to date someone less famous. He’s been seeing actress Kelly Riley, who is great because she’s not such a superstar. I really like him with Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef. She’s divorced from Salman Rushdie and definitely doesn’t need to be with another writer. And look, I hate to promote adultery, but I kind of like Madonna with A-Rod.

Yeah, it’s pretty hot. They are both huge, but in different industries. Plus physically I always pictured her with a darker guy.

Do you think David Duchovny and Tea Leoni will stay together? I don’t know. If they do, she’s gonna need to support him. Sex addiction is like alcoholism; it’s an everyday struggle. He’s so sexy though, it’s understandable, plus there’s that show he’s on.

Yeah, and apparently he’s got a huge one. If they don’t stay together, and after a while he’s ready to date seriously, I love him with Meg Ryan. He needs a natural beauty, and she’s been through her own stuff.

And she got down in that movie In the Cut. Speaking of getting down, Hugh Hefner is single again. He should just have fun. Holly moved out because he wouldn’t marry her. Now he has 19-year-old twins living at the mansion. I say go for the twins.

Sage advice. What about George Clooney? He says he never wants to marry. Humans are humans, and sometimes they need a partner. A guy like him doesn’t deserve to be 70 and alone. He’s recently gotten back with Krista Allen, and I think he craves that kind of close friendship. But I think he does best with non-celebs. He can have everything he wants and keep his privacy. Of course, I sort of like him with Anne Hathaway …

She could definitely use a good man. They’d be like the cool version of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Jeremy Piven is in New York right now doing Speed-the-Plow on Broadway … should the girls in the Meatpacking District look out or what? He loves his fame. He worked hard for a long time, and now that he’s big, he wants to enjoy it. And he has enjoyed it. You see him on the circuit in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago with models, hot girls, yet he always brings his mom to the award show. I would like to see him with Karina Smirnoff from Dancing with the Stars. She’s hilarious and fun. I think there would be plenty of passion, but humor will keep him coming back.

What can a girl do to get Lance Armstrong coming back? I don’t know. He was great with Sheryl Crow. Obviously he needs someone beautiful but also active. She’s got to keep up with him.

Like Matthew McConaughey? No comment. I like him with Jennifer Aniston, but she is a friend of Sheryl’s, so that might be tough. I could see him with Shania Twain, who’s got that all-American look, or Christina Applegate, who is pretty, sweet, and also a cancer survivor. He should stay off Ashley Olsen. He needs to keep it over 30.

Should Bret Michaels keep it over 30? He’s not gonna find love on a TV show. Those girls are a little rough around the edges. I like him with Katy Perry. She’s sexy, she can hang with the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle, but could be more than just a groupie.

Plus she’s kissed a girl. She might be down for a three-way with Brandi C.

Wheezing to Weezer with Lance Armstrong

imageJogging before there were iPods is like stalking before there was Google—how was it possible? Capitalizing on this aural fixation is Nike, who’ve commissioned some top athletes to coach runners while listening to custom-made playlists. Serena Williams’s mix boasts beat-thick tracks by Timbaland and Black Eyed Peas, while Lance Armstrong’s favors riffs over raps with tracks by Weezer and Queens of the Stone Age, among others. The Nike Sport Music collection can be purchased on their website or on iTunes. We just have a quick question for Nike and Interscope, who chose “Loser” by Beck for Armstrong’s mix: Really? We guess there’s no better motivation than a good ol’ fashion put-down.