The Olympics Had a Closing Ceremony?

Wait, really? It must be to celebrate the pointless debt incurred in the shortsighted pursuit of high-definition abdominal muscles. I don’t know if this happened at the same time as Breaking Bad’s new, pins-and-needles, great-train-robbery homage episode, but let’s call that the reason I didn’t watch. Won’t even bother figuring out if the Spice Girls were actually there or if that’s just a joke everyone made simultaneously.

I also didn’t see this because, face it, the Olympics—the summer Olympics in particular—amount to an internationally sanctioned freak show, and nobody sticks around at the circus long enough to see the freaks take a bow. The limitless mutability of the human shape is grotesque, I get it. Unless David Cronenberg is directing something on that topic, I’ll pass. I’d say go back to having all that sex, athletes, except you’re such poorly socialized beings that you don’t even know how that would work.

Let’s put this whole thing in perspective: my wife doesn’t even remember who Michelle Kwan is. (Michelle Kwan is an Olympic figure skater who medaled in 1998 and 2002 but never took home the gold, as she was tragically expected to do.) She said the name sounded familiar… sort of. I guess it’s better to be a forgotten figure skater than be Kristi Yamaguchi, who is among a meager handful of 2002 Olympians touting Mitt Romney’s can-do spirit in an ad from the Restore Our Future super PAC. Yes, these people truly go on to do great things after robbing themselves of an adolescence and competing for tacky necklaces.