Party On: Ball Awards and Some Scottish Love

The Ball Awards held in the The Lab Banquet Hall on Fulton Street, Brooklyn has left me limp. (Please, no wisecracks from my ex-wives.) It was a reassuring chaotic happening. It said that the world, as I know it and love it and live for, can and does indeed exist…albeit sometimes in Bed-Stuy, and other times in those places not on the beaten-down path of nightlife. It was thousands of people gathering to hug, kiss, and scream for joy as the most limber and creative amongst them competed for prizes and status. The outsider who accompanied me was amazed, dazed, and sometimes confused, but she was not alone. I was often brought to tears by the magnificent mayhem, and the love poured at us and at everyone in attendance.

I waited with the crowds outside for the doors to finally open around 11:30pm. We were told to be there at 9:30pm, but have some experience with these affairs; nothing was going to happen until midnight. The cold air had us all huddled up and tight as the line went way down the block. Little skirmishes with line-cutters were dealt with Ball banter from attendees who sometimes looked thugish or shady on the outside, but of course were as sweet as can be once they let their masks down — not that they can’t roll if they have to. The ballroom life brings many who traveled a rough road to find acceptance. Sharp tongues managed by sharp minds gave shade like an elm tree to the misbehaviors. Someone in the crowd scolded a young transgressor, telling him he could "get Brooklyn-hurt, not Jersey-hurt" if he continued to offend. Once inside, a female staffer who could kick my ass with one hand tied behind her back, searched me good. That gal knows more about me than half the
dates I ever went with. It hurt, which means it must have been good for me. I wonder if it was good for her as well. 
Ball Awards
A 6-foot-3-inch man — who was more of a lady than most of the security who harassed her — stood her ground at the inside ropes. She wasn’t going to take the laughter or put-downs and got in their faces and demanded a manager. She got an apology. She was magnificent.The mandatory coat check was $3, but you could pay $5 and keep your outerwear. I knew I wasn’t in Manhattan anymore. Inside, people were complaining about the $10-a-glass Hennessy, reaffirming we weren’t in Manhattan anymore. The Lab is an amazing room and a brilliant choice for this affair. I have been to many Balls, but don’t remember one as fun and exciting as this. I sat with the wonderful Princess Magnifique and Punk Rock Frankie Magnifique. Frankie hadn’t been out in a while, so a lot of people came by to say hello and pay respect. The Latex Ball is coming August 18th at Roseland Ballroom, I believe. Cancel all vacations or other plans as this event; this culture must become a part of you.
Tonight, Mr. Mark Baker has implored me to attend "From Scotland With Love: The Tenth Anniversary Show." He refered to it as "Dressed to Kilt" and I thought that was clever. It’ll be at The Liberty Theater and starts at 7:30pm. I will, of course, be at BINGO at the Bowery Poetry Club and unable to attend, but as I am a supporter of all things Baker, I had to tell you about it. The affair benefits The Wounded Warrior Project and Cash For Kids. Kiefer Sutherland and Kevin McKidd are expected to show.

Afternoon Links: Kiefer Sutherland Returns to TV, Derek Jeter Builds a Palace

● Kiefer Sutherland is officially returning to TV with the Fox pilot Touch. It’s about a man whose son can see into the future, and to honor the occasion, here’s Sutherland diving into a Christmas tree, because it never gets old. [Deadline] ● Rolling Stone has a written preview of six tracks off the new Lady Gaga album, because this is the biggest deal since the invention of water. [Rolling Stone] ● Yikes. Melissa Leo is backtracking on those horrendous ads that might have cost her an Oscar. We haven’t seen a fiasco this ridiculous since the invention of water. [Daily Beast]

● There’s photographic evidence that The King’s Speech was partially shot on the same set as a gay porn movie, which reminds me of the time a gay porno movie was shot on the set of my bedroom. [Gawker] ● Drew Barrymore apparently has a new boyfriend, who’s being described as “a socialite type and a playboy.” So she’s dating Khloe Kardashian? [Us] ● Have a look at the $7.7 million mansion Derek Jeter built for himself in Tampa. It’s the same mansion Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner recently criticized him about, and the same mansion I hope to one day lose my virginity in. [TMZ]

Mickey Rourke Does His Best Kiefer Sutherland in New Commerical

While Mickey Rourke’s new commercial for the Dutch, alcohol-free beer Bavaria makes for a highly enjoyable fifty six seconds, we can’t help but think it was, or it least could have been, written for the only other man on the planet who would be as, if not more appropriate for a spot like this. Sadly, Kiefer Sutherland must have been wrapping 24 that night. After all, it’s Sutherland who’s known to partake in booze-induced calamities whilst overseas. See such classics as diving into a hotel lobby Christmas tree in London, or the more recent getting tossed from a strip club in London. We know Rourke has the reputation of a rule-breaking badass, but really, the whole thing feels more like a persona than the real deal.

Links: Spencer Pratt Has a Twitter Tantrum; Oprah and Her Staff Need Intensive Therapy

● Spencer Pratt called former Hills friend Audrina Patridge’s plastic surgery “nasty” before going off on Ke$ha and Jwoww, another member of the nasty surgery club… of which Spencer’s wife Heidi Montag is queen. [Celebuzz] ● With a bunch of sexual assault allegations surfacing about action ‘star’ Steven Seagal, the best is him telling Jenny McCarthy to “sit on my couch.” She responded, “Rent my Playboy video, you asshole.” If only every girl was so lucky. [PopEater] ● Can’t be unseen (for a bunch of Catholics in Oklahoma): Jesus with a really big… you know the old joke — let’s just say he’s hung like this. [Crooks and Liars]

● According to an ex-employee, producers on Oprah’s show survived on “15 46-ounce Diet ‘Cokes,’ six double cappuccino coffees, smoked three packs of cigarettes.” Apparently, ‘Coke’ was actually ‘Pepsi,’ but Oprah is some sort of child-woman, so she didn’t need to know. [Gawker] ● Really we’d be more worried if Kiefer Sutherland wasn’t drunk and getting thrown out of clubs at 4 a.m. [Page Six] ● Guys, we missed National High Five Day. Let’s start planning for next year. [NHFD]

Links: Kevin Federline Got Sad and Fat; Greg Oden is Naked and Sexting

● Kevin Federline said depression led to him overeating, but what he really meant is that Britney used to eat all the Cheetos. [People] ● Kiefer Sutherland lost $869,000, or thirteen minutes’ salary on 24, in a cattle-selling scam. Yes, you read that correctly. Cattle-selling. [LAT] ● Are those 44 lizards in your pants or are you just happy to see me? [SF Gate]

● Male athletes, like the 7-foot basketball star Greg Oden, keep leaking pictures of their penises. [Deadspin] ● According to a new book, Pope John Paul II would often flagellate himself to imitate Christ’s pain, just like the one guy in that book about the Jesus puzzles. [NYT] ● Jon Hamm shaved his much-fussed-over beard prior to his forthcoming appearance on Saturday Night Live, leaving 1,063 women to search eBay for “Jon Hamm face hair.” [ONTD] ● Bob Dylan and Seal will play at the White House in celebration of the Civil Rights Movement, because one is white and one is black. [NPR]

Links: Kiefer Has Too Much Eggnog, Chris Brown’s Gentleman Club Behavior

● Kiefer Sutherland is filled with Christmas cheer, so much so that he needed the wait staff at Lure to keep him upright on a recent evening out with Jon Bon Jovi. [AMNY] ● Tiger Woods has a case of the Jon Gosselins: he’s still seeing mistress Numero Uno Rachel Uchitel. Hard to stay away when your soon-to-be-divorced-self is on a boat 500-feet away from said mistress. [Showbizspy] ● A last minute holiday gift tip from 50 Cent: beware of re-gifting. He once got a dirty and already worn sweater from his aunt but as the rapper says, “it’s the thought that counts.” [AngryApe]

● At least this whole Rihanna thing has taught Chris Brown some manners. The singer was on his best behavior when a bevy of strippers showed up at club Greenhouse. One such lady ‘Carmen’ went on the record to say he was “a perfect gentleman.” [Celebitchy] ● For all you Jersey Shore fans, see the Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino in high school. [JustJared] ● What’s style icon Kate Moss’ fashion secret? Her daughter. Moss never leaves for a shopping expedition without her mini-me to serves as her style barometer. [Company]

Links: Madonna And Clooney’s Missed Connection, Jack Bauer Terrorizes Santa

● Madonna came dangerously close to ruining George Clooney’s acting career when the two went on a date shortly after her divorce. Thankfully Madonna tried to be funny and the date quickly went south. [Showbizspy] ● San Diego would like Lady Gaga to know they aren’t San Jose: she referred to her San Diego crowd as San Jose a whopping eight times during a recent concert. [NBC] ● Sarah Jessica Parker continues to dismantle her Über chic Carrie Bradshaw persona by devoting her new fragrance to body odor and saying that B.O. is “sexy.” [DigitalSpy]

● Jack Bauer interrogates Santa Clause for your holiday viewing pleasure! [RebelChristmasCard] ● The team behind Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs will bring 21 Jump Street–the show that made Johnny Depp– to the big screen. [Variety] ● Kevin Federline got bumped from playing himself in the latest American Pie movie because filmmakers thought he was unqualified for the role and gave him a part as a Canadian border guard instead. [People]

Begin Countdown: Key Events for December & January

While looking toward a new decade, it’s important to take stock of the things that really matter: blackouts, box-office bombs and Bin Laden.

December 16 Closing night of the Dubai International Film Festival: Who will take home the Golden Oil Drum?

18 James Cameron follows up Titanic with another sinking ship when Avatar is released.

21 Kiefer Sutherland, spoiler of many a terrorist plot, turns 43 today. (The surprise party bombs.)

23 Give your aluminum poles a good spit-shine, people. It’s Festivus!

25 Guy Ritchie follows in A-Rod’s footsteps by breaking up with Madonna and finally getting a hit, when Sherlock Holmes is released today.

28 A View from the Bridge, costarring Scarlett Johansson and Liev Schreiber, begins previews on Broadway. A view from the balcony will do just fine, thank you.

31 End the decade the way you began it: blacked out.

January 1 It’s offically the future: 2010 begins.

3 Proud to be virgins: millions of Lord of the Rings fans celebrate J.R.R. Tolkein Day.

9 Lady Gaga’s Monster Ball tour rolls through Chicago, raising the question, what happened to the other one?

11 It’s Japan’s Coming of Age Day! Congratulations, you can now look at cartoon breasts.

12 Vampire Weekend’s sophomore album Contra is sort of like sophomore year in college: it sucks compared to the first one.

14 Happy 20th anniversary to The Simpsons, which celebrates two decades of keeping Harry Shearer employed.

15 The longest solar eclipse of the 21st century passes over the Middle East. Osama bin Laden leaves his single-dwelling cave for a quick peek.

Links: Kiefer Sutherland Breaks Prison Breaker, Kumar Goes to White House

● We know that Kiefer Sutherland likes to get physical with strangers (see Jack McCollough), but vs. a good friend? Prison Break star Robert Knepper says Sutherland punched him in the face when he mentioned he might quit acting. [DigitalSpy] ● The group Little People of America are trying to get the FCC to ban the word “midget” from use on television. [HuffingtonPost] ● Elizabeth Taylor took to her Twitter to say she won’t be attending Michael Jackson’s memorial at the Staples Center. [Twitter]

● This is not Bret Michaels’ year; first came the facial (and ego) bruising at the Tony’s, and now his tour bus was involved in a five-car pile up. No word on if any Rock of Love contestants were on board. [KansasCity] ● Kendra Wilkinson says now that she’s married and with child, she’ll be a “strict, Christian” mom. [FoxNews] ● Actor Kal Penn started his tenure at the White House yesterday; Penn will work to connect President Obama with the Asian-American and Pacific Islander communities, as well as arts groups. [Yahoo]