Links: China Boots Bob Dylan for the Greater Good; Nic Cage’s Bad Hair Day

● Bob Dylan’s shows in China were canceled. Some might say it’s political oppression, but God bless a place where the government knows best: no one needs to see a Bob Dylan show in 2010. [Popeater] ● Woman nearly suffocates lover with 40LL breasts; saves town from flooding. [News of the World] ● An interactive map shows the best corners in New York City to hail a cab depending on the time of day. Useless, maybe, but definitely if you’re a nice looking woman. [NYT]

● Nic Cage’s hair looks like Hulk Hogan’s on a bad day. In this ‘press conference,’ he runs down why. [Celebuzz] ● New York magazine’s engrossing new cover story is about women who are not quite prostitutes, but “VIP concierges” or “ambassadors of client desire.” Half-hooker probably sounds best, though, as mothers everywhere are proudly showing their friends what little Rachel has been up to. [NYM] ● Smart women drink more alcohol. Presumably, they also fight, spit and screw more, as well. [Runnin’ Scared]

Links: Sean Penn Is the First of ‘Three Stooges’; Performance Artists Andrew W.K. & James Franco

● Sean Penn is set to play Larry in the Farrelly Brothers’ Three Stooges adaptation, while Benicio Del Toro has shown interest in starring as Moe, despite the fact that neither man has ever smiled. [Boston Herald] ● Hipster-baiting lines of “ironic” products have hit their nadir: a prototype of Converse shoe-pants created by conceptual artist Sebastian Errazuriz. The final version should feature skinnier jeans. [The L Magazine] ● The creator of the Pez dispenser passed away at age 87. He is survived by thousands of plastic cartoon heads and a stellar Seinfeld episode. [New York Times] ● American Beauty and Revolutionary Road director Sam Mendes will direct the next James Bond flick, deliver Oscar quality scenes of Bond blowing shit up. LA Times

● The Andrew W.K. conspiracy theory proposes that the hard-partying rocker is actually more than one person, making “him” an elaborate performance art piece possibly masterminded by Dave Grohl. [Gawker] ● Meanwhile, James Franco will take part in a gallery show at Manhattan’s Deitch Projects as the grand finale to his own conceptual art piece, which includes a guest spot on General Hospital. [Daily Intel] ● A middle school teacher sold four students his book on how to “recognize those serving Satan and bring them to Jesus” for $5 a piece. Amen! [NY Daily News] ● The cutest video meme of the new year is a little Asian boy doing hip-hop dance moves. Send it to your mother before she sends it to you. [Buzzfeed]

Links: Eminem & Elton John Together Again, Hipster Eats Bowl Of Corn Flakes and Pee

● Elton John told BBC Radio Saturday that he has been there for Eminem during the rapper’s battle with drug addiction. But no homo, though. [AP] ● Tabloid cash cow and horrible father Michael Lohan spent the year’s first days challenging ex-bff Jon Gosselin to a boxing match, then getting tattooed with Gosselin’s ex-girlfriend. Lindsay’s 2010 resolution? Punch Dad. [Radar/TMZ] ● It’s possible that Beyoncé took a $2 million payday to perform at New Year’s Eve party financed by Libya’s mob-like military dictator Muammar Gaddafi, solidifying Jay-Z’s status as the new Frank Sinatra. [Mediaite]

● Kanye West took to his blog with a New Year’s announcement about his intentions to “follow in the footsteps of Maya Angelou” because “rappers get worse as their careers stretch out but true poets get better.” But he typed in ALL CAPS. [< a href="http://www.kanyeuniversecity.com/blog/?em3106=243939_-1__0_">Kanye West Blog] ● Vice co-founder Gavin McInnes was told he won Gawker’s Hipster of the Decade award, even though he lost to Hipster Runoff. To celebrate, he ate a bowl of Corn Flakes soaked in his own urine. [Street Boners and TV Carnage] ● Bouncing back from a pill overdose, Alexa Ray Joel hopes to help young women cope with “heartbreak-related depression.” Both her ex-boyfriend and father claim they did not, in fact, start the fire. [TV Guide] ● Just after midnight on New Year’s Diddy took to Twitter with the message “Juat married!” [sic] followed by “Not $arried. Don’t know how this started.” Apparently Diddy is a drunk tweeter. [Gawker]