Sex Talk Is A Family Affair In The Most Super-Creepy ‘Married To Jonas’ Clip Ever

Producers’ notes to the Jonas parents for Married To Jonas were obviously to bring up sex, purity rings, sex, and SEX at every awkward moment possible. In this bizarre clip, Kevin Jonas and his new wife Danielle sit through the Jonas family’s creepy "spiritual advisor" conducting a big ol’ family powwow about their sex life. As you do.

Bob the spiritual advisor says he has been "praying" over Kevin and Danielle’s plans to star a family (pant pant pant) and says they just need to "relax" and "trust God."

You can’t really blame Danielle Jonas for starting to cry during this — although it was from the old dude thinking about her sex life, or the realization that she had to get Kevin Jonas to sleep with her, I don’t know.

Morning Links: Behind the Scenes of M.I.A.’s ‘Bad Girls,’ Neil Young Announces New Album

● In this new video, Vice takes us behind the scenes of M.I.A.’s crazy cool "Bad Girls" video. Please, kids, no "drifiting" in your parents’ cars. [ViceTumblr]

● Billed originially as a blockbuster, Disney says they are on track to loose some $200 million with John Carter. [Reuters]

● Neil Young and Crazy Horse have announced their first album in nearly ten years. Americana will be released on June 5th — just in time for Father’s Day! — and it will include rearrangements of classic American folk songs like "This Land Is Your Land" and "Clementine." [RS]

● Still not biting, Kristen Stewart says she "can’t wait" to see The Hunger Games movie. [E!]

● Rumor has it that the Jonas brothers have a development deal with E! and are currently filming a New York based "family reality show." [PageSix]

● Hot and proud, Sophia Verga insists during an interview with Esquire that "there is nothing slutty about a dental-floss bikini." Or, as she puts it: "You don’t even think about it." [Us]

Battle for ‘Captain America’: Dane Cook vs. Jonas Brothers

The casting of Captain America, Marvel’s latest action-adventure blockbuster, may be the most chaotic, rumor-filled and err, “open” campaign in recent Hollywood memory. First, a “short” list was leaked a couple weeks ago, revealing Chance Crawford, Scott Porter, Michael Cassidy and three other steel-jawed blond dudes as contenders. John Krasinski from The Office also joined the frenzy — an unlikely if amiable choice (go John!). Now, rumor has it Dane Cook and — brace yourself -= the Jonas Brothers have auditioned. Cook broke the news on his Twitter feed, tweeting:

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The JoBros report, on the other hand, comes courtesy of the bastion of journalistic integrity that is Hollywire: “It was said Kevin Jonas had the better audition and was more natural.” Hollywire also suggests Miley Cyrus as a possible future Wonder Woman. Of course, the fight for Captain America can only go on for so long. Cassidy and Porter have already let us know they’re out of the running via Twitter and Facebook. The flick is due in theaters July 2011.

Links: The Mystery of the Kardashian Baby Daddy, JoBro’s Christmas Card

● A model and wannabe rapper named Michael Girgenti (a.k.a Premo Stallone) is claiming to be the real father of Kourtney Kardashian’s newborn baby. [Star] ● Check out the Jonas Brother’s Christmas Card. Joe, Kevin and Nick are all present as well as their little brother, the bonus Jonas Frankie, and a Jerry Garcia-lookin’ Santa Claus. [HuffPost] ● Sienna Miller is hanging out in Barbados for Christmas where she may or may not be waiting for Jude Law to join her. [JustJared]

● How come all the good Real Housewives drama happens off-screen? A bench warrant has been issued for O.C. housewife Lynne after she blew a court date in a million dollar legal battle with a former business partner. Wonder if that’s her bedazzled cuff business? [TMZ] ● James Hetfield of Metallica remembers his worst Christmas, the one where he caught his brother placing presents under the tree and realized that there is no Santa Claus. [Blabbermouth]

Susan Boyle & Jonas Brothers Back ‘X-Factor’ Breakouts Jedward

A wretchedly campy thing trending overseas is Jedward. As Americans, we tend to be suspicious of kitschy gimmicks burgeoning abroad. Maybe too many of us still feel burned by past instances of British kistch. Beats me! It’s an instinct that the latest act to spiral into international prominence through X-Factor–Britain’s answer to American Idol–will pummel through, eventually garnering anywhere between one and three top ten hits here in a quiet time when Beyoncé and Gaga are both enjoying much-needed sabbaticals. If only because X-Factor alum Leona Lewis has fared so well on both sides of the Atlantic. According to Wikipedia, “are an Irish music act. Known for their distinctive blonde hairstyles and unique performances.” A unique performance that doesn’t necessarily stir SiCo’s loins like Leona could. Comprised of people named John and Edward and totally unrelated to our 2004 Democratic VP candidiate, they’ve won praise from Jay-Z mentee Cheryl Cole and are finding fast fans in Susan Boyle and The Jonas Brothers. They’re already tipped to win the talent show.

Aside from similar backgrounds in singing reality TV shows where contestants sing for a sour-faced Simon Cowell, Susan Boyle and Jedward share another parallel: needling criticism. And so, now a seasoned icon in her own right, SuBo is dispensing pearl onions of wisdom like “Be yourself!” and “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum!” and “Look pouty and bewildered all the time and you’ll sell records! It worked me, wheee!”

Meanwhile, contemporary artistes The Jonas Brothers have given their seal of approval to the band. They’ve told The Mirror, “We love brother bands. Thumbs up to Jedward.” Mediocrity abounds!

Recently, even Calvin Harris decided to crash their performance of Queen’s “Under Pressure.” After which, Harris was kicked out of the arena. This is like the British pop star spin on that whole Kanye West-Taylor Swift affair, only both sides enjoy spiked publicity in this case. Watch it below. Fast forward to 2:20 for Harris’ pineapple-assisted hilarity.

Shakira: Cross-Dresser, Free Music Advocate, Jonas Brothers Collaborator?

Speaking of Western sexy performances! Shakira too has been multitasking, but not in the way most busy business ladies usually are, what with their face-lifts, Shiatsu massages, and fish pedicures. In fact Shakira’s been busy going to college, where she probably learned about the magic of file sharing. And somewhere in there was a mixer at the TriKap house involving choosing your favorite JoBros.

After wrapping up her 2005 tour for Oral Fixation, Shakira found out what it meant to be a boy. She’d roll out of bed in the morning, throw on whatever she wanted, drink beer with the guys, and chase after girls. But mostly, she attended UCLA in secret and took a course in history. To throw stalkers off her scent, she used her middle name, either “Isabel” or “Mebarak.”

One of the great lessons she must’ve learned then, as college is rife with life lessons you just can’t buy, was that music is a gift. She says on the sticky subject of file-sharing, “I like what’s going on because I feel closer to the fans and the people who appreciate the music. It’s the democratization of music in a way.” She adds, “And music is a gift. That’s what it should be, a gift.”

You know what would be the greatest gift of all? No, not earplugs each time “She Wolf” comes on. For people who are into three-piece boybands whose running gimmick is virginity, it would be a JoBro-Shakira collaboration, naturally.

Chester French: Ivy League Boys, Gone Appropriately Wild

Chester French is not a man. In fact, it’s D.A. Wallach and Maxwell Drummey, two Harvard grads who didn’t really have a plan. On the eve of their much-anticipated release of their much-hyped debut album, we got them to dish on everything from Facebook and fellow Harvard grad Mark Zuckerberg, to safe sex and bigger condoms, biddies, divorce and the JoBros. The duo also explains why they felt the need to create a personal VIP concierge service, and how Lady Gaga is going to “cream everyone over” on their upcoming tour with her. Scholarly young gentlemen, take it away.

Your new album is finally coming out in April. D.A.: Well it’s really an album that we’ve been working on for years at this point. So it’s really a project that’s had a lot of time to marinate. We made most of it while we were still in college. And we wanted to produce and engineer everything. We did it all in the basement of one of the dorms at school. We’ve sort of just been waiting to put it out for about a year and half. It’s called Love the Future and it’s coming out April 21st. It’s a mix of everything that we like. It’s inspired by all sorts of music that we love and learned from. The idea is that we wanted to make an album that you could listen to the whole way through, that didn’t have any filler. We didn’t want it to have album tracks. It’s all different songs and different tracks that are equally exciting to listen to. Max: Something we always think about is that people are just people and music is just music. And we’ve certainly gotten tired, and I think a lot of other people got tired, of people trying to pigeonhole you as a musician or as a person. “Oh you’re this kind of person, you like this kind of music therefore.” We just started thinking about it as we grew up in diverse places with people who were sharing what they were into and being into all kinds of stuff and we want to embody that in the music we make. In its body. The body. D.A.: And for us it’s really kind of inevitable since we grew up in a generation where you hear Dr. Dre after Nirvana on the radio. You almost have to try to block out different angles that you’re being hit from.

Since you’re just starting out, what are some artists whose career paths you’d like to follow? D.A.: Well we’ve always talked about artists who have a very consistent quality in their work but not necessarily a consistent aesthetic. So people like Beck and Outkast are especially inspiring. Even a group like The Rolling Stones or The Beatles who over time were able to try a lot of different things but always preserve a real consistent quality. I think we’d love to have that flexibility to experiment and allow our music to follow our minds.

You’re signed to Pharrell’s label. How do you like working with him? Max: It’s not bad. D.A.: He’s been a great supporter and I think the best part is that that label that he’s created, StarTrak, is supposed to be a refuge for artists who don’t fit in places naturally. We share a common mindset about how to create and how to experiment and pulling different people around your music. We have a good business relationship but we also fit together creatively and share common goals and processes.

Do you not think you would have fit in at another label? D.A.: Well when we were in college, one thing that was difficult as a live band was that we didn’t fit into a scene. Max: We also sucked, which made it harder. D.A.: So we couldn’t say, “Oh of course we’re going to play in a punk club,” or, “Of course we’re gonna do this hip-hop night.” We’ve been doing this for five years and it’s a gift and a curse to not be clearly categorized.

Your first EP, Chester French’s First Love, got you all of the notoriety. But it wasn’t released after you got signed, what happened to it? D.A.: So we were originally a five-piece band and that was something we did our freshman year. Max: We made it in two days and D.A. had spent the summer after that busking around Harvard Square selling CDs. We sold like upwards of 10 of them, easily. And then while we were doing that we started writing the songs that are on our actual debut album.

Did you end up graduating from Harvard? Max: Yeah.

And what was the plan before Chester French came around? What did you major in? Max: My plan was to get a really useful degree in social anthropology. It’s a really important discipline. D.A.: I was under African American studies. Neither of had a really good backup plan which was really…I mean, this was our only hope of not living at home. However, we do live at home. We started it basically right when we got to college. And it was amazing luck for us that we got signed right before we graduated but I think otherwise I think we would have just gotten jobs and done this on the side in our free time. We’d be doing this on the down low.

In secret? Would you have used aliases? D.A.: Yes, definitely.

What would they have been? D.A.: What’s your name again?

I’m Delia. D.A.: Yeah, that’s we would have used for sure.

So because you started off as a college band, you did a lot of self-promotion on Facebook. What is your relationship to it now? D.A.: Both of us were using Facebook within the first day or two it came out. It’s definitely been a tool that we’ve used to connect with other people, especially as it’s grown. It offers a great means of spreading your music. Max: It’s also a great way to creep on girls you don’t know. So that when you finally meet them, you feel like you have a good relationship with them. And it’s not awkward anymore because it’s like “I know everything about you because I’ve been following you on the internet for so long.”

Has that worked for you? Max: It has actually. I met my first and third babymama on the internet.

But didn’t you recently marry Peaches Geldof? Max: I actually recently divorced Peaches Geldof.

Oh did you? I’m now embarrassed. Max: No, don’t be. I should be embarrassed.

So do you guys actually know Mark Zuckerberg? D.A.: Yes. I mean, he’s a genius thinker and he’s built something really amazing that’s changed the world in not a lot of time. And he hasn’t made a lot of big mistakes so he’s pretty inspiring.

Your first single, “She Loves Everybody,” was released with condom wrapper packaging. D.A.: We just thought it was a great complement to the song because of the lyrics to the chorus about using protection: “she craves affection so I use protection.” We thought what would be a better fit than to put it in a condom wrapper. We also wanted something people would remember when we gave it to them. I mean, CDs have become so irrelevant at this point that unless you do something cool or interesting with them they’re kind of boring.

Is safe sex a cause that you’re particularly interested in? D.A.: Sure, I mean… Max: Practice is what we’re really interested in. And we’re definitely gonna practice until we get good at it, until we stop messing it up. We’ve just been breaking condoms from coast to coast so I think it’s time to move up to some XLs or something.

Why would you decide to name yourselves after Daniel Chester French [the American sculptor]? D.A.: Because he makes the most beautiful sculptures ever and he’s not dead.

What can we expect to see on the tour? D.A.: Well we’re gonna perform to warm people’s bodies up to get the juices flowing, to get everyone in the audience wet. And then Lady Gaga is gonna come on stage and just totally cream everyone over.

I’m excited to see it in New York. D.A.: Will we get to meet you? We’re gonna have a tour bus for the first time ever and it’d be awesome if you got on our bus and hung out.

Do I need to talk to your press rep about that? D.A.: No no no, just e-mail us. We don’t need any intermediaries if we’re just hanging out. It’ll be personal, not professional. It’ll be really, really personal. Just talking, just personal questions.

How do you guys spend your down time? D.A.: We both live with our parents in Milwaukee and Boston. So when we’re not on tour or working we’re just hanging out, making music at home and figuring out how to build our fan base, our supporter base. Most recently we’ve been working on a mix tape that we’re putting out in the next week or two called Jacques Jams. And that’s with DJ Quentin Sparks. It’s gonna be a free album that we put out for the whole world. And we’re got some great collaborators on it like Ditty and Pharrell, Jermaine Dupree. It’s gonna be awesome. Lindsay Lohan’s on it.

What are some of your favorite places to go in New York or LA, Boston even? Restaurants, clubs, bars?

Max: In LA, we like to go to this bar called Jumbo’s Clown Room.

Why do you love it so much? Max: The waitresses are just old enough, like close to 50. And then if I were in New York, I like going to the Mercer Kitchen.

Anywhere else? D.A.: For food or for drink or for merriment?

Whatever you like. D.A.: For drinks, nothing is better to us than just going and grabbing a 40 of Ciroc and chilling out and meeting some biddies. Or a 750 of Ciroc is better actually. It’s like a magnum of Ciroc and just go out and meet some biddies and show off to other biddies if you’ve got some Welch’s grape juice around.

So what else would you like to add, that you want BlackBook readers to know? Max: Just that we really want them to check out the album and become a part of what we do. D.A.: Look, we’re just two totally normal guys doing totally normal things. That’s the point we really want to get across. And also, we have something that we haven’t talked about much but that I’d like to give you an exclusive on. That is that we’ve actually been creating something, this is not a joke, we’ve created something that you can get on our website now called the Chester French VIP Concierge Service. It’s the first time I think anyone has ever done something like this. What we’ve actually done is created a luxury support system for all of our supporters. If you’re someone who actually supports Chester French and you sign up for the VIP Concierge Service there are a number of ways that we can communicate with you and stay in touch either by e-mail, by phone and fulfill anyone’s request related to Chester French. I mean, if people need help getting tickets of getting anything like that we wanted to create a service where our supporters could really be a part of what we do and be in touch with us and create and share ideas.

And tell me about the Jonas Brothers, your ultimate influence. D.A.: Oh yeah, they’re awesome. It starts and ends there for us. I met the Jonas Brothers before they blew up. I took my little sister to see them in Milwaukee. And I got to meet Kevin and the guys and they’re just awesome guys. So when we say that we’re definitely influenced by them, it’s musically and personally. They’re awesome guys.

Jonas Brothers Clothing Line Finally Here

I don’t get the Jonas Brothers, and I don’t know too much about them other than (a) teenage girls regularly freak out over them, (b) they wear chastity rings or something like chastity rings, (c) down to the kind of Charmin they use to wipe their asses, their lives are actively controlled by Disney shareholders, and (d) they make me feel — at the relatively ripe age of 24 — so, so old. Yes, I’ll admit it: I’m bitter about both not understanding the Jonas Brothers and sometimes, not being a Jonas Brother. Well, now, at least I can dress like one.

Via Racked and WWD, the Jonas Brothers clothing line is finally going to arrive at luxe retailers Wal-Mart, Kmart, Sears, and JCPenney, just in time for tween girls to buy them for school and just in time for the premiere of their new show on Disney. Okay, so I might not be able to dress the part. But controversy! The spokesperson behind all of this “admitted the brothers aren’t involved with the design of the product since the clothing is based on the characters they play on the show, not on their real day-to-day lives. Because they are on tour, none of the Jonas Brothers was available for comment.”

So: the Jonas Brothers clothing line is based on three young men who really have nothing to do with the clothing other than the branding, for young girls, to retail at department stores across America. You tell me — which girls are going to wear Jonas Brothers-branded (but not approved) clothing to school this year? The ones whose parents are fully intent on scarring their kids for life, that’s who. Girls are mean, especially girls of the age that they’re going to market this (probably) sweatshop-produced fashion dreck to. Parents who want their kids to get made fun of, go buy them some Jonas threads. You want your kid to grow up to be an enlightened individual capable of both rational, intelligent thought and the kind of emotional stability that doesn’t involve three teenage robots inciting Riot Act-level fervor? Let them dress themselves. In anything but this.
Jonas Brothers LG Arena Tickets Birmingham Tickets

From Guys to Dolls, Flops Abound

If you’re the Jonas Brothers, that fast-chatting mother from Gilmore Girls, or legendary pop iconoclast Britney Spears, my over-caffeinated heart goes out to you. This past weekend, America, in an act of vindictive retaliation against the high standards set by the winners of last weekend’s Oscars, kicked you where it hurts: Your checking accounts. The biggest losers: Kevin, Joe, and Nick. Sure “flop” is kind of relative and perhaps an overstatement for the Jonases. But still, 3D glasses weren’t able to help the Jonas Brothers meet the $15 million opening weekend that the Mouse House hung its hopes on, let alone the $25 million that other industry number-crunchers speculated. The trio of precocious heartthrobs were instead beaten to the top by Tyler Perry’s umpteenth drag show, which is a sure bet for the 2010 Oscars, what with Perry and the Academy loving to play dress-up. Although having to look at empty seats in the house is a lot harder to bear when you’re not just onscreen, but rather present in the flesh, singing (miming?) your heart out.

Consider the case of Lauren Graham and her Guys and Dolls co-stars, who face unfavorable review after unfavorable review — all which cumulatively portend a dismal shelf-life for the musical’s Broadway revival. Lucky for her, Graham has a fall-back plan in the form of an ABC sitcom. That ought to buy her a at least a half-season to decide what she’d rather do in the long run, right?

The most tragic miss of the weekend’s flop parade, however, lies in Britney’s shortcomings. Her failure to sell out the March 3 opening night of her tour in New Orleans, next to her hometown of Kentwood, has made her management frantic. Scoops MSNBC, “There were still plenty of tickets left for the first show of the tour.” You could chalk it up to faint-hearted fans. But if the Queen of Comebacks is willing to take a recessionomic pay cut like the rest of us, she’ll have no trouble filling those empty seats. Until such a time, we’re all too broke to pay upwards of $100 for a decent seat at the flat-top pop freakshow. .

Because we love our icons of sound and stage too much and also because we’re a culture fixated on culpability, it makes sense not to needle our icons. Instead, let’s collect said culp and irrationally fire away at Disney. They seem to be the lowest common denominator binding this weekend’s biggest flops together. Work-from-home types can totally attest to this.