Winter Has Come, Along With This Campaign for Catelyn Stark for Secretary of State

In terms of fantasy shows that take place in alternate universes, Game of Thrones is a surprisingly accurate depiction of the American political climate. This is a point the geniuses in Mother Jones‘s video department made during the 2012 election with their Westeros-themed attack ads like "Joffrey Baratheon: Where Is the Birth Certificate?" and "Danaerys Targaryen: Wrong for Dragons, Wrong for the Realm." Now, the election is over and we stil have a little under two sad, wintry months to go before Game of Thrones returns for its third season, which is too long.

But one writer, Jonathan R. Meyers of HBO fan site HBOWatch (not to be confused with Jonathan Rhys Meyers who played Henry VIII on fellow sexy-and-violent cable drama The Tudors), has decided to muddle the political worlds of Westeros and our own, and even though Massachusetts Senator John Kerry was approved as Secretary of State, it didn’t stop Meyers from throwing in a few cents about his perfect candidate: Catelyn Stark, wife of the late Eddard Stark, matriarch of House Stark of Winterfell. Catelyn is a courageous character, fiercely protective of her realm and her family, so a case could definitely be made.

As Meyers writes:

"Lady Catelyn Stark is inarguably a superior candidate for Secretary of State.   She is a highborn Lady of the Riverlands and lives the motto of her house: Family, Duty, Honor; coveted principles all for any of your high counselors.  While many high lords only talk of family values, Lady Stark takes action as she did with her young son when protecting his mind from viewing an execution, nurturing his spirit after he was crippled from a fall, and shielding his body from an assassin’s blade.  A commitment to duty also guides Catelyn Stark.  For the good of the realm, she abandoned her misgivings about her husband’s appointment to Hand, left her youngest sons to warn of a foreign plot, and attended to urgent matters of war and peace rather than be with her own dying father.  Her honor is a thread that weaves through her every thought and deed, and she is a woman who takes her vows and those of others as a sacred pledge to the living, to the old gods, and to the new.  A woman whose very purpose is family, duty, and honor would make an exceptional Secretary of State."
And this whole thing goes on for at least, like, eight more paragraphs, all highlighting concrete evidence from the show. Also, President Obama is referred to as Mr. President, The Second of His Name, King of the Anglos, Lord of the Fifty States, Protector of the Realm," and somehow this is still more palatable than the whole Death Star petition thing. Also, think of the consequences of Catelyn Stark as Secretary of State—the Red Wedding Truthers would be out of control. Also, for your viewing/tiding-until-Season-Three pleasure, one of Catelyn Stark’s finer moments.

Swift Boat Veterans Confirm John Kerry’s Cabinet Nomination

Ha ha ha, just kidding! The vile conservative ex-military group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, widely credited with a successful smearing of 2004 presidential candidate John Kerry’s military service, actually has nothing to do with who is selected to succeed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. When they weigh in on the matter as if their position counts for anything, they’re just making sure that we know that they still (unfortunately) exist.

But, with or without the generous backing of Karl Rove’s reelection machine, weigh in they must. BuzzFeed reports that “Kenneth Cordier, a former POW who appeared in a Swift Boat ad in 2004 and was kicked off President Bush’s campaign because of it” wrote an email that "Pretty much I was hoping that Ms. [Condoleezza] Rice would get the nomination and then they would battle it out in the Senate.” Oh man, hoping Obama would appoint Bush’s Secretary of State? These guys are nuttier than we thought! That’s what a stint in Vietnam will do for you.

What I love most of all, however, is that the Swift Boaters, who were so opposed to an anti-war but decorated veteran in a position of national security, have decided not to launch another slanderous broadside on the man as he ascends to power, despite promising they would back in November. Could it be that they’re all fibbed out? No more money under the mattress? Or maybe they just noticed that under Obamacare, more than half a million veterans will gain health coverage. And you don’t want to rock that (swift) boat.

Matt Levine Bans John Kerry from The Eldridge

When New York City nightlife owners might wonder why their businesses are in trouble, they probably shouldn’t put the blame on former presidential candidate John Kerry. Kerry recently introduced a piece of legislation called the TARP Taxpayer Protection and Corporate Responsibility Act. Essentially, the bill calls for the prevention of all financial institutions who received federal bailout money from throwing extravagant, lavish parties on taxpayers’ dimes. This yielded some of the most charming recession-related quotes so far from the mandarins of New York nightlife

In response to the legislation, financial geniuses at The Wall Street Journal pitched in, arguing against it but noting that Kerry’s TARP bill “reinforces the need to let well-run banks get out from under the TARP as soon as they are able.” Smart, right? Page Six decided to do a roundup of club owners responding to the bill shortly thereafter.

Marquee’s Noah Tepperberg argues that corporate events help drive bottom-line profits — a nice line we’d love to hear him elaborate, but the fiscal complexities of such a philosophy might escape Page Six readers, so instead he gets only a soundbite. So does Shawn Sedlacek of the VOX Group, who makes a slightly more salient point: “For every $100,000 that’s spent on an event, $90,000 of that goes to human power. This backlash of ‘don’t do events’ is going to hurt a lot of working-class people.”

But the winningest response comes from Eldridge owner Matt Levine: “Just because John Kerry didn’t get into the White House, and probably wouldn’t get into The Eldridge either, he should really be focusing on creating more jobs, not taking them away.” Touting expensive exclusivity in a recession threatening to transform into an outright depression might seem a risky strategy, especially when you’re slinging $26 fruitinis.