Your Daily Guide To Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

John Edwards

Google searchers are feeling real political this morning as they seek out news about one-time Presidential hopeful and hot-for-politics bad guy John Edwards. The news they’re after is about how Edwards was acquitted Thursday on one count of corruption and had the good luck that a mistrial was declared regarding five other counts. Also, it’s unlikely the philandering haircut enthusiast will be retried. "I want to make sure that everyone hears from me and from my voice that while I do not believe I did anything illegal or ever thought I was doing something illegal, I did an awful, awful lot that is wrong," the disgraced pol said. "And there is no one else responsible for my sins." 

National Donut Day

For a country supposedly at war with obesity, we’ve got a funny way of doing things. But nevertheless, it’s National Donut Day and people are searching the Internet to find out what that means for them. Mostly it’s a free donut with the purchase of any beverage at Dunkin’ Donuts and the opportunity to talk to coworkers about moronic imaginary holidays. Still, enjoy yourself—they’re donuts, not fountain soda

Star Wars 1313

We’d say that nerds have taken over Yahoo!, but they’ve really always been there. It’s just that today they’re searching for news about Star Wars 1313, a video game supposedly set to be announced at the big E3 gaming conference. The game allows people with bad social skills to focus on the Star Wars character of Boba Fett, a bounty hunter, while never changing out of sweats.

Rebecca Black

Remember “Friday,” the song that took the web by storm and made a martyr and sensation out of remarkably untalented singer Rebecca Black? Well, it wasn’t enough for her. Now the Californian is getting involved in, what else, the Mexican presidential elections. I personally think that it is very important for youth and teens to be so involved in politics," Black said in a promotional video for Institutional Revolutionary Party candidate Enrique Peña Nieto. "Even though I’m only 14 and won’t be able to vote for another four years, you don’t want to be 18 and not know anything about what you are going to vote about."

#WhatTurnsMeOff

Twitter is lit up with donut news, of course, but its less hungry users are busy telling one another what it is that ruins the mood for them. As you can imagine, it’s illuminating.

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Your Daily Guide to Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Chris Birdman Andersen
Google Trends is a dark place to start your morning. After you move past our obsession with the tit heard round the world (also known as the cover of Time magazine), you land here: The kiddie porn charges swirling around Denver Nuggets center and all-around scary looking dude Chris “Birdman” Andersen. Internet Crimes Against Children investigators seized property from the athlete’s home and cops released a statement saying, “This is an ongoing investigation and there’s lots and lots of work to do until it ever gets to that point.” Andersen has since been indefinitely excused from his Nuggets duties, where at least people could keep an eye on the balls he was handling.

Flesh-Eating Bacteria
If crimes against children doesn’t get you down, try this one: the battle of a 24-year-old Georgia graduate student against necrotizing fasciiti, a flesh-eating disease. The woman contracted it after an accident on zip line and last week had to have her right leg amputated—doctors say her hands and remaining leg might be next to go. Odds are in the next few hours, someone’s going to blame this one on gay marriage.

70-Year-Old Virgin
Yahoo! readers can’t get enough of Pam “The Sexational Pam” Shaw, a 70-year-old bombshell who has decided that it’s time to lose her virginity. Yahoo! users, many over the hill themselves, love that Shaw has been performing for years as a burlesque dancer under a titillating stage name and has even shared a dressing room with the Sex Bomb himself Tom Jones, she’s somehow managed kept her virtue intact. Now, she tells the Sun, she’s looking for a handsome millionaire who’s into really old virgins. Good luck with that, Pam!

John Edwards
Yahoo!’s loins are on fire today when it comes to the elderly. Readers can’t stop searching for news about one-time presidential hopeful and haircut enthusiast John Edwards, whose campaign finance violating trail is still dragging itself out. But who cares about pilfered funds when there’s news about Edwards’ crazy, blonde jump-off Rielle Hunter! It seems that Edwards’ baby mama, who allegedly collected all kinds of cash from his campaign to keep her mouth shut and her pants off, won’t be testifying in his trial, which is set to wrap up today.

John Travolta
It’s a bad day for Johns. Get it? Following one of the top trending items on Bing we find out that John Travolta’s woes—which we’ve told you about before—continue to pile up as the reportedly packing (if not manscaped) actor is facing another charge of sexual harassment, this time from a former cruise line employee who claims Travolta offered him 12K for sex. Meanwhile, the actor’s lawyers are doing their best to disprove the charges, of which there are now three, but seem to be making little headway in the court of public opinion.

Bristol Palin
The good people of Twitter are frantically hashtagging posts with #bristolpalin, a nod to the reality star and single mom who came out swinging against President Obama’s support of gay marriage. Considering the stunning wisdom we’re used to receiving from Bristol and the Palin family at large, her uninformed and thoughtless comments on this topic have left millions of fans disillusioned and disappointed.

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Links: Big Star’s Alex Chilton Dead at 59; Michael Jackon’s Death Syringe to Auction

● Big Star’s Alex Chilton has unexpectedly died at 59. Spend your day with #1 Record. [Popeater] ● An anonymous tipster claims to have seen John Edwards and his wacky mistress Rielle Hunter in line for Contemplating the Void at the Guggenheim Museum, which would be sort of like seeing Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky at Jersey Boys. [Gawker] ● Finally, there are photos of some dogs dressed like Lady Gaga. [Celebuzz]

● The syringe that Michael Jackson’s doctor used to administer the ultimately fatal dose of drugs will be auctioned off in Las Vegas and the winner will promptly be sent to hell. [The Daily Swarm] ● Steven Spielberg has signed on to make Jackie, the story of a talking dog fighting an intergalactic space war. But really, it’s a Jackie Kennedy Onassis biopic. [LAT] ● Miley Cyrus will take a break from music in an attempt to plan a massively successful comeback. [Idolator]

Links: Lady Gaga’s Sister Is Next, Rielle Hunter Gets Sexy with Stuffed Animals

● Lady Gaga’s 17-year-old sister, Natalie Germanotta, has a cameo in the “Telephone” video playing a prison composite of Gaga, a chola and Mariah Carey. [Buzzfeed] ● Miley Cyrus’ wisdom on the internet and why she quit Twitter: it’s “like not cool, not safe, not fun and most likely not real.” [Movieline] ● There is only one proper spin on the impending divorce of Kate Winslet and director Sam Mendes, and it’s in this perfect headline: “Kate Winslet Gets One Step Closer to DiCaprio Destiny.” Never let go, k? [Best Week Ever]

● John Edwards’ mistress and baby mama, Rielle Hunter, sat down with GQ, said a lot of vaguely crazy shit and was the subject of a sexy photo shoot with a pile of stuffed animals, including Barney, Kermit the Frog and Dora the Explorer. [GQ] ● In other political sex scandal news, Eliot Spitzer’s old pal Ashley Dupre posed in Playboy for an eight-page spread, during which her hair caught on fire. [Page Six] ● It’s an oddly happy day for the world’s second shortest man, because he is now a champion. The world’s shortest, He Pingping, died yesterday. He was 29 inches tall. [Gawker]

Links: Farrah Fawcett’s Forgettable Death; The Next Academy Award Winning Movie Trailer

● Farrah Fawcett was left out of the Academy Awards dead people montage because she was a television star, not for fear of getting James Taylor too excited. Related: Michael Jackson was included because of angry bloggers. [Vulture] ● In a truly bizarre twist, the aide who wrote a book about his role in the John Edwards and Rielle Hunter affair has until Friday to produce a second copy of the illicit couple’s sex tape, or be thrown in jail. Maybe we’ll see “little John” soon enough. [Wonkette] ● After eight of the worst days of all-time, Fox will cancel Keifer Sutherland’s 24, hopefully by giving Jack Bauer what’s been coming to him for a decade: a heart attack. [Variety]

● If you’re not all Oscar-ed out, watch this hilarious video, purposefully generic Academy Award Winning Movie Trailer. [YouTube] ● At a recent party in Hollywood, Demi Moore gave her daughter Rumor Willis a pole dancing lesson, hearkening back to her Striptease days and leading Leonardo DiCaprio to give Ashton Kutcher a high-five, according to a source, which is really the weirdest part of all of this. [Page Six] ● Beside herself with offense over E-Trade’s “milk-aholic” ad, here are five things the lawsuit-happy Lindsay Lohan should also sue, including The Whole Internet. [Celebuzz]

Who Spent $104.3M on the Giacometti?

This week, a 1960 Alberto Giacometti statue — Walking Man I — sold at Sotheby’s for $104.3 million, a record price for a work of art sold at auction. The bidding was reportedly fast and furious, with 10 nauseatingly rich people jockeying for the statue. The winner, whose purchase broke the previous record set for Pablo Picasso’s 1906 Boy With a Pipe, bid by phone and chose to remain anonymous. He or she was, therefore, unavailable to comment on whether they donated money to relief efforts in Haiti. Who was this mystery benefactor of the arts/deluded, affluent narcissist? Let’s try and guess!

Person: Elvis Presley Why: The only way a person would be comfortable dropping enough money to feed American orphans for a year (probably?) on a statue is if they knew no one would ever have to know…because…they faked their death over 30 years ago! Hah! Elvis, we caught you.

Person: Snooki Why: Giacometti was well-known as an Italian and as a major player in the Surrealist Movement. Hmm…the purchaser of the piece must have been a nouveau riche Italian for whom the world seems perpetually surreal…Snooki, you’re making this too easy!

Person: John Edwards Why: The perpetrator of this mind-bogglingly indulgent spending spree must have been A) filled with a depression induced self-loathing, B) drunk off of cheap grain liquor, and C) outrageously pecunious. Hmmm, what wealthy pol recently lost his wife after a protracted political free fall triggered by his insane narcissism? Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

Person: Tom Cruise Why: Anyone who would spent more than $100 million on something that is literally immobile and useless, fulfilling no basic human need nor any pressing human desire, must be a straight up crazy person. I’m talking about someone so lunatical that they would be willing to get on TV in their mid 40s and do this. Awww damn, Tom Cruise, you thought you had us fooled. Busted!

Anyone have any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments section.

Links: Adam Lambert Auctions off His Panties; What to Watch instead of the State of the Union

● Helping Haiti has officially gone off the rails: Adam Lambert auctions off pair of his “sweaty” undies for charity. [AceShowBiz] ● Bill Gates was photographed dancing at Sundance this week: Now watch the remix while Apple pwns him. [Buzzfeed] ● Baudelaire, Poe, Kerouac, Faulkner, Rand and other famous literary drug addicts. [Life] ● Elizabeth Edwards finally leaves John Edwards. [Perez]

● In a strange twist, it’s the New York Times that provides a list of the 15 things to watch if you don’t want to watch the State of The Union. [NY Times] ● Anderson Cooper will move into an old Greenwich Village firehouse, complete with brass poles. There’s a joke in there. [NY Post] ● Things you can’t do coked up, according to a new single serving tumblr, include going on roller coasters, attending group therapy and getting vaccinated. Seems like you could actually do all of those things. [Things You Can’t Do]

Links: John Edwards Has a Sex Tape, Too?; John Travolta to Haiti

● Things John Edwards might have: a sex tape, a large john. Things John Edwards definitely has: a lovechild, an impending divorce, no future. [Gawker] ● Courtney Love gave a video tutorial in five parts on makeup application to her 7,443 Twitter followers. Lesson #3: “Like, drag eye!” [Idolator] ● Khloé Kardashian met President Obama at the White House. What, the leader of the free world can’t land Kim or even Kourtney? [E! Online]

● John Travolta piloted a plane, full of Scientologists, down to Haiti to lend a hand, because what they need now are definitely stress tests. [Gawker] ● Taylor Momsen has been listening to way too much Ke$ha: “I don’t fucking care. I didn’t get into this to be a role model.” [Times Online] ● An artist created celebrity mosaic portraits of Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger entirely out of pills. It’s, like, a comment on fame and drugs? [Incredible World]

Links: Gary Coleman Arrested for Domestic Assault; Woman Falls into Picasso Painting

● Gary Coleman was arrested for domestic assault, making this a perfect time to do a little gossip math: (Diff’rent Strokes pun) + (“What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” variation) = joke. Ta-da! [TMZ] ● Ashton Kutcher announced via Twitter that he will host Saturday Night Live on Feburary 6th. If only his monologue could be limited to 140 characters. [The Wrap] ● Tila Tequila and Kelly Osbourne have beef on Twitter, though Tila’s recap of the whole thing is unreadable thanks to white text and all caps. Luckily, the diss “Smelly Ozbonkers” is in the first line. [Tila’s Hot Spot]

● A student fell into Picasso’s “The Actor” at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, ripping a 6-inch hole through the painting and writing her obituary in the process, because really, how could you top that story? [Gawker/NYT] ● Time thinks John Edwards can be rehabilitated, but there’s no mention of neutering so it might not work. [Time] ● Prince William is getting to be really, really bald, but it couldn’t matter less because it’s royal pattern baldness. [ONTD]