The Academy Awards were delicious. I enjoyed the show, the choice of movies, the actors featured, and most of Billy Crystal’s schtick. I especially enjoyed watching it at home with delicious popcorn and other treats and my delicious Amanda. Foregoing the bull-chit banter and bad hors d’oeuvres at some Oscar party is the way to go. Although I was aware of The Artist for eons before it came out and wanted to go day 1… life got in the way and so I vowed to go last night and nothing was going to stop me.
My eyes were a little cloudy and heavy this morning when I got into the office, and I knew exactly what would perk me up: Google Image Searching Gene Kelly. Sure, some people would pick coffee, but some people would pick Gene Kelly. Right? That’s a thing that people do? Well, you should, because Gene Kelly was a handsome bro. I think even those who weren’t into dudes who hopped around on his toes and danced the nights away would be into him, because he basically looked like a linebacker who could also plié. And it got the gears in my brain a-movin’ and a-turnin’, and I started wondering: wouldn’t it be great if time travel were real and I could go back in time to have sex with Gene Kelly?
Look, let’s not get weird about this. You would, too. And you know what? I bet there’s a whole bunch of other now-dead people who were pretty attractive when they were alive. Here’s my list, and feel free to comment below with your own!
1. The Searchers-era Jeffrey Hunter
Sorry that the Comanche killed your parents, Martin, but you’re still hot so it’ll be OK!
2. A Streetcar Named Desire-era Marlon Brando
Goddamn those arms. I mean, bless those arms, but also goddamn those arms.
3. Rock Hudson in everything
You know? He might actually be game for this.
4. A Place in the Sun-era Montgomery Clift
This guy would probably be a handful, but there’s something really romantic about having to save someone, right?
5. Paul Newman in everything
6. Hamlet-era Laurence Olivier
This one is kind of a wild card, but there’s something creepily sexy about that Aryan dye-job.
7. John Cazale in everything
Speaking of creepy! But Meryl Streep slept with him, and that’s a big endorsement as far as I’m concerned.
8. Midnight Express-era Brad Davis
Despite the history of sexual abuse, the drug use, the alcoholism, this guy was kind of a catch!
9. River Phoenix in everything
10. Bullitt-era Steve McQueen
Don’t you think he’d treat you like total shit? Sign me up.
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