Links: Sex With Hugh Hefner is Subpar, Chris Brown’s Twitter Rant is Homophobic

● Hugh Hefner just laid around “like a dead fish” during sex, according to the memoir of a former Playmate, who also alleges that Hef’s old number one, Holly Madison, had the dirtiest job of all. [Daily Mail] ● David Beckham swears under oath that he did not have sex with Irma Nici, a prostitute, who claims it happened five times in total. If he’s lying, Becks is in big trouble. [TMZ] ● Marc Anthony owes $3.4 million in back taxes, meaning he needs his career back or to be really nice to Jennifer Lopez. [Radar]

● Chris Brown went on a super classy Twitter tirade against Raz-B, a former member of B2k, after Raz criticized his abuse of Rihanna, calling him a “homothug” and “Peter Pan,” and mocking the singer’s molestation. But he’s sorry and totally not homophobic. [Us Weekly] ● Camille Grammer, a Real Housewife and all around boss, is demanding a divorce settlement of $50 million from her philandering husband Frasier. [NYP] ● Ryan Phillippe “wishes nothing but the best” for Reese Witherspoon in her engagement (but he’s crossing his fingers). [NYDN]

Links: Snooki Not Dropping on New Year’s Eve, ‘Girls Gone Wild’ Marriage Fails

● “The Snooki ball drop isn’t going to happen in Times Square,” says someone who knows. Hopefully all the children of the world will stop crying over this by midnight. [Popeater] ● Kelly Osbourne found out on Christmas that her ex-fiance Luke Worrall was cheating on her, so she called him a “piece of shit” and much more in a Twitter rant. [Us Weekly] ● Kim Kardashian filmed a secret music video with Kanye West and director Hype Williams for her upcoming single, which — for some reason — is legitimately exciting. [TMZ]

Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis was married last month to Christina McLarty, who has apparently already walked out on the sleazeball. Hate to say we told you so, said everyone who knows her. [Radar] ● Agathe von Trapp, whose family inspired The Sound of Music, has died at the age of 97. Imagine the musical number at that funeral. [HuffPo] ● Chuck Norris passes out in a Czech television ad. Don’t ask. [WSJ]

Links: Lydia Hearst to Parody Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus Bong Not For Sale

● The socialite Lydia Hearst is all set to star in Dogs in Pocketbooks, based on “a spoiled brat prone to alcohol and cocaine binges, reckless driving, failed rehab attempts, career-ending partying and ruthless hangers-on” — a.k.a. Lindsay Lohan’s life — though the real Mommy Dina is threatening to sue. [TMZ] ● Justin Timberlake received Harvard University’s Hasty Pudding Theatricals Man of the Year award, which is not — believe it or not — the same as an Oscar. [Popeater] ● Reese Witherspoon is engaged to Jim Toth, while Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Phillippe high-five and are like, “Haha, who?” [Us Weekly]

● The dude who owns the famed Miley Cyrus salvia bong is resisting encouragement to sell it “for at least a couple grand” because it has “sentimental value.” Bro. [TMZ] ● Speaking of bongs, an interviewer asked Jeff Bridges if he was high while accepting his Oscar last year. He giggled. Then he said, “No, man. No, no, I wasn’t high. No, man, no! Oh God. No, no, no, no.” [Vulture] ● Steve Hirsch, head of notorious porn company Vivid Entertainment, claims that if he came into possession of a Demi Lovato sex tape he would “give it back to her or destroy it” because he is a recovering addict too. [TMZ]

Links: Natalie Portman is Pregnant and Engaged, Elton John Gets a Baby Boy

● Natalie Portman says she is “indescribably happy” and “very grateful” to be pregnant and engaged to the choreographer Benjamin Millepied, who she met while filming Black Swan. Mila Kunis declined to comment. [EW] ● Teen Mom‘s Amber Portwood has been charged with three felonies for beating up her fiance on camera. [People] ● Rachel Weisz is dating Daniel Craig, who is both better looking and less talented than her ex-husband Darren Aronofsky. [Us Weekly]

● Elton John and his husband David Furnish announced that they now have a son via surrogate named Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John, giving him a grand total of four first names and a “Furnish.” [Us Weekly] ● Miley Cyrus and her little sister celebrated Christmas by doing karaoke to Miley’s own song, “Can’t Be Tamed.” Their parents must be so proud. [People] ● Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton sleep in separate beds because the director snores too loud, according to the actress. [E! Online]

Links: Lindsay Lohan’s Accuser in Trouble, Bristol Palin Headed to College

● Dawn Holland, the woman who accused Lindsay Lohan of violence at the Betty Ford rehab center, is now facing a federal investigation for divulging medical secrets in exchange for money. And Lindsay wins again! [Radar] ● After a woman’s hair caught on fire at Diddy’s album release party, he offered to pay for her trip to the salon. She had already made an appointment and expects it to cost about $1,000, or about 85 copies of Last Train to Paris. [TMZ] ● Jay-Z spent $350,000 on Birkin bags, “among other things,” while Christmas shopping for Beyoncé at the Hermes boutique in New York City. [NYP]

● Bristol Palin hopes to attend Arizona State University, as evidence by her purchase (in cash) of a $172,000 house nearby. Maybe no one told her she has to get in first? [TMZ] ● Snoop Dogg’s yellow 1967 Pontiac low-rider was impounded on Christmas Eve because his friend drove it with a suspended license. Headaches apparently do not take holidays when you’re an aging rapper. [TMZ] ● Octo-Mom is getting evicted. Remember Octo-Mom? [Radar]

Links: Anna Nicole Smith Gets Her Own WikiLeak, Lindsay Lohan’s Rehab Freakout

● One of the diplomatic cables made public by WikiLeaks reveals that Anna Nicole Smith hit the Bahamas like a “hurricane” when she “enticed” locals and “wreaked havoc” on the political system, toppling leaders. Seriously. [CBS] ● Because Pauly D “embodies both qualities” of the “unique and genuine” Jersey Shore cast, he has earned the show’s first official spin-off. Also, “spin-off” works really well for DJ puns. [EW] ● Though Chelsea Handler took heat for railing on Angelina Jolie while defend Jennifer Aniston’s honor, Aniston just wants Handler to chill. [PopEater]

● Lindsay Lohan allegedly missed her curfew, refused a breathalyzer, fought for control of two phones, and called a worker a “cunt bitch,” according to Dawn Holland, the Betty Ford Clinic employee who has since been fired for accepting money from TMZ. Might we suggest a televised cage-match, resulting in relevance and cash for both parties? [TMZ, Radar] ● Johnny Depp took his kids backstage at a Justin Bieber show while wearing his Jack Sparrow costume from Pirates of the Caribbean — why not? [Page Six] ● Ozzy Osbourne is “getting a bit sick of” Lady Gaga. Apparently, he’s also sick of not getting much press. [Us Weekly]

Links: Lindsay Lohan Beats Betty Ford Worker, Demi Lovato Goes Off the Deep End

● Lindsay Lohan is being investigated for allegedly hitting a female worker at her Betty Ford rehab clinic. If guilty of misdemeanor battery, Lohan would violate her parole and probably head back to jail. [HuffPo] ● Ryan Reynolds is supposedly “beyond sad and depressed” about his divorce from Scarlett Johansson despite the fact that he openly told people that “she treated him badly.” The travails of being pretty and dumb! [Us Weekly] ● Glee‘s Heather Morris is being considered to play the lead role in the new Buffy the Vampire Slayer. [Access Hollywood]

● Demi Lovato, currently in rehab for “emotional and physical issues,” has faced down allegations of drug abuse, sex tapes, and all kinds of bad behavior this winter. The latest is a claim that she sent a psycho email to Twilight‘s Ashley Greene for “stealing” her boyfriend, Joe Jonas. [X17] ● Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams are being mysterious about rumors that they’re a couple, though they certainly play one in Blue Valentine, which comes out soon. Hint, hint. [People] ● Paris Hilton’s plane was evacuated because of a knife on board. That’s not hot. [TMZ]

Links: Nicki Minaj Bracing for Sex Tape, Ashton Kutcher’s Side Girl Sells His Sweater

● There are two rumored sex tapes floating around featuring Young Money rapper Nicki Minaj. If blurry stills are any indication, she’s about to become way more famous. [MTO] ● Bristol Palin says she likes Levi Johnston’s new girlfriend because she’s urging the Alaskan baby daddy to spend more time with his child. [E! Online] ● Cristina Ricci says Robert Pattinson is “a good kisser” and a “lovely human being.” And Kristen Stewart seethes. [Celebuzz]

● Brittney Jones, the woman who claims she took advantage of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s open relationship, is selling a sweater she says is Kutcher’s on eBay. The starting bid is the price of her dignity. [TMZ] ● Lil Wayne bought a wheelchair for a fan’s mother — a motorized nice one worth $11,000 that hopefully comes with some rims. [Vulture] ● Harrison Ford says he’s not trying to kill Indiana Jones. [HuffPo]

Links: FBI Involved with Lindsay Lohan, Demi Lovato’s Sex Tape Is a Figment of the Imagination

● Threats to Lindsay Lohan and her family are now in the possession of the FBI, and may be coming from Britney Spears’ old friend, Sam Lufti. What a world. [TMZ] ● Jake Gyllenhaal reportedly bought Taylor Swift an $11,000 guitar signed by Chet Atkins for her birthday. She will someday use it as a weapon against him. [Daily Mail] ● The soon-to-be divorced Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson ate a happy dinner together, probably because they’re finally free. [People]

● Disney really wants everyone to think that rumors of Demi Lovato’s sex tape are false and “disgusting,” unless they’re true, in which case she’s on her own. [TMZ] ● Kanye West’s ex-girlfriend Amber Rose is now dating New York Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire, who is much taller and more capable of loving another human being. [Page Six] ● Merry Christmas from Paris Hilton. [Radar]