Following Edward Snowden Modeling Pics Leak, BlackBook Uncovers 5 Other Political Figures’ Modeling Pasts

Edward Snowden

Photo via Ryot.org

Yesterday photos leaked that showed controversial whistleblower Edward Snowden’s modeling past. We would never have guessed such an influential political figure made such a cute (albeit twinkish) male model, so we did some digging and uncovered some other men in politics that have had surprising (and sexy) secret modeling pasts.

 

Vladimir Putin for Versace 

Vladimir Putin

 

Anderson Cooper for Vivienne Westwood

Anderson Cooper

 

Mitt Romney for Calvin Klein

Mitt Romney

 

Joe Biden for Polo Ralph Lauren

Joe Biden

 

Thomas Jefferson for Versace

Thomas Jefferson

All artwork by Alexander Cavaluzzo

Linkage: Don Johnson’s Moderately Sized Johnson, ‘Fifty Shades’ of Krysten Ritter

It’s news to most of us who were born in the early ’80s and don’t remember much about Don Johnson, but apparently he’s always been rumored to have a large penis. “Johnson,” you see. But now that people are talking about him again (he’s another nearly forgotten actor who owes Quentin Tarantino an Edible Arrangement or, perhaps, an Ace of Cakes creation in the shape of a foot), Johnson has taken the time to debunk the rumor. “Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me.” And now we know! [VH1 Celebrity]

A new season of Cougar Town premieres on TBS next Tuesday, and the cast and crew couldn’t be more thrilled that the network, unlike others (*cough*ABC*cough*) are actually promoting it. But they all still think the name is stupid. Says co-creator Bill Lawrence, “Being filled with self-loathing is a characteristic of 90 percent of comedy writers anyway… It’s an amazing title. I’d do it again.” [Hollywood Reporter]

TV’s baddest B might find the tables turned on the big screen. Apt. 23’s Krysten Ritter tweeted that she’d be “down” to play the role of Anastasia Steele in a movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. Winky-face! [EW]

A&E proves that there’s some sort of liberal media bias. The network has picked up The Governor’s Wife, a 12-episode reality series about former Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards and his wife, Trina, who is 50 years his junior. I’m ashamed to report this dude is a Democrat. [Deadline]

Meanwhile, Joe Biden could easily star in his own television program. [Hypervocal]

BREAKING NEWS: 68-year-old Star Wars enthusiast engaged to really hot lady. [People]

As it turns out, the newspaper featured in Back to the Future and its sequel—the Hill Valley Telegraph—was a pretty shitty publication. [Vulture]

If you’re planning to get bombed on your next transatlantic flight, do your best not to fly Icelandair. Duct tape residue is hard to remove. [Gawker]

I didn’t bother to figure out what the hell “Downton braves its own fiscal cliff” is supposed to mean, but knock yourselves out. [WaPo]

“Let’s never forget: we’re the story, not them,” says Albert Brooks’s character in Broadcast News. With that in mind, here’s what the apartment shared by a couple of New York-based reporters looks like. (What’s that? You’re not a member of the New York media? Well, that’s your problem.) [HuffPo]

Follow Tyler Coates on Twitter

Vice President Joe Biden, Meet Future President Leslie Knope

Now that the election’s over and his position as Vice President is secure for the next four years, Joe Biden can go back to doing all the important stuff, like presiding over the Senate and hanging out with future president Leslie Knope. 

With the "Mr. Wyatt Goes to Washington" story arc on NBC’s Parks & Recreation this season, Pawnee City Councilwoman Leslie Knope has already rubbed elbows with a number of high-profile political guest stars, including Senators Olympia Snowe and Barbara Boxer and, in an awkward, weepy scene in a coatroom, Senator and former presidential candidate John McCain. On a trip to D.C., Leslie and Ben visit the White House (or as Leslie calls it "our future home"), where Ben gives her the only engagement gift that, for his new fiancée, would be better than a waffle tower — a meeting with the Veep, the only entry on Leslie’s "celebrity sex list." The look on Poehler’s face when she sees him is priceless. Can’t wait for the encounter to air on the November 15th episode. 

The Curse Of Biden

A lot of us have high hopes for the vice presidential debate tonight; we hope, for example, that Joe Biden punches directly through Paul Ryan’s lean, hairless chest. But around my apartment, the expectations cut both ways. In fact, we’ve come to agree that Biden’s best wishes for my wife’s future, as expressed on a headshot he signed for her way back in 1984, are an accidental burden: The Curse of Biden.

The autographed message, which hangs on our wall, reads in full, “Cecilia — May you grow to be like your parents. — Joe Biden USS ’84.” It’s a pretty nice sentiment, really! And it has an even better subtext: your parents are political donors on the Democratic side, the kind who’d end up with an autographed photo of a senator for their infant daughter; we’d like you to be a liberal-leaning money well, too, if you don’t mind.

Anyone who thinks about the message for more than a moment starts to see the darker implications. Grow to be like your parents? What happened to being yourself? Personally speaking, I love mom and dad dearly, but when I start to sound like them I freeze up in horror. Isn’t it frighteningly plausible that my words, my habits, my worldview are not my own, just passed down in palatable pieces? Have I not, finally, inherited all that I am?

So that’s why I can’t sleep at night: Joe Biden. His note bespeaks a fatalist streak, a recognized failure to progress as a species. We are only our parents; that’s the best we can do. You’re trained to replace the people who came before you, and then you do. The strange thing about it is that Biden’s still so smiley, even knowing this. I like that kind of cheerful insouciance in the executive branch. I may just have to vote for the guy, vote straight Democratic down the line. It’s what my parents would do.

All Aboard The Biden Gaffe Express: Slavery and Deafness Edition

In all the hubbub about Mitt Romney picking Rand Paul Ayn Rand Ron Paul Ryan Phillippe Paul Ryan as his running mate, you surely forgot about the lower half of Obama’s ticket, i.e. Joe Biden, whom you may know by his secret service codename, “Celtic,” or as “the one who gets to have Super Soaker fights.”

Biden is inarguably the greatest American hero to ever hold the thankless post of vice president, but there’s something about his extemporaneous speaking that is fundamentally, marvelously unstable. He appeals to the train-ridin’, hard-drinkin’, blue-collar, white lapsed Catholic in us all, and is so charmingly avuncular on and off the stump that we are lulled into quiet compassion or whipped into a populist fervor at the crinkling of his friendly eyes.

But like a picturesque nuclear power plant, Uncle Joe will at some point scare the crap out of those who rely on him via near-catastrophic malfunction. This past week has produced two such missteps. In the first, he suggested Romney’s policies would put “y’all back in chains.”

In the second, he offers an ill-advised approximation of American Sign Language.

Fox News and Republican ops are already trying to make hay of these goofs. Don’t expect it to work: the sign language translator laughed, and the chains thing is fine because he has a black friend. 

The 17-Minute President Obama Campaign Ad, ‘The Road We’ve Traveled,’ Is Here

This year’s presidential election will rely on more rhetoric and flim-flammery than ever, which is why the campaign to re-elect President Obama has commissioned a pretty nice piece of persuasive literature: The Road We’ve Traveled, a Tom Hanks-narrated documentary that makes the case for the president by recapping his first term in office. Over 17 minutes, familiar faces such as Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel, Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren, vice president Joe Biden and former president Bill Clinton show up to reason for Obama’s success in the face of conflict. Covered: the financial crisis, the auto bailout, the unemployment surge, the universal health care debate, finally killing Osama bin Laden, and more. Not covered: how he decides which battleground state to patronize on his NCAA tournament bracket (You should’ve picked Kentucky this time, Mr. President. Maybe it’ll go blue this year!). Watch it after the click, via the Obama campaign.

In response, the Romney campaign released a well-reasoned counter-documentary, arguing against all of the President’s accomplishments with logic and good faith. Of course not! They just forwarded along the video for Kid Rock’s "American Badass," which is pretty juvenile. (Reached for similar response, the Santorum campaign sent back a "FAILURE TO SENDER" e-mail.) Don’t forget to vote in about seven-and-a-half months.

Links: Zach Galifianakis, ‘Saturday Night Live’ Host; John Mayer, Marriage Counselor

● Zach Galifianakis will host Saturday Night Live on March 6th — and the internet goes wild! [Twitter] ● Vice President Joe Biden saw Avatar in 2-D; he is un-American. [Daily Intel] ● Conan O’Brien is paying severance to some staffers out of his own pocket. But just imagine the giant pockets that could fit $45 million. [TMZ]

● Maybe John Mayer has a Controversial Quote Generating Machine? This time, as a relationship expert: “Tiger Woods’ problems come from him being married. The end.” [The Independent] ● Ke$ha wants to remake “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” with Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Paris Hilton. Yes please! [Hollywood Life] ● Looking for work? You, too, can star in the dramatic reenactments of the Discovery Channel show I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. [Videogum]

Horrifying: Cabbage Patch Sarah Palin & Pals

imageLike a bad hangover from the 1980s, Cabbage Patch dolls are back and have surfaced on eBay. Specifically, four one-of-a-kind dolls in the likeness of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, and John McCain are going up for auction on eBay. “These four folks in particular seemed like the perfect candidates, if you will, to become one-of-a-kind Cabbage Patch Kids,” said Jakks Pacific Inc. spokeswoman Genna Rosenberg. “We’ve had a great history with making celebrity look-alikes with these Kids. We’ve done everyone from Elvis to Donald Trump to Ellen and Oprah.” All proceeds from the auction, which begins Thursday and ends November 4, will benefit the Marine Toys for Tots Foundation.

‘Vogue’ Calls the Election

The only thing more superior than the popular vote (besides the electoral college)? Anna Wintour. The Vogue editrix has already called this election in favor of Obama/Biden with a photo spread in the magazine’s November issue. Running under the banner, “All the Vice President’s Women,” the feature showcases the many ladies of Joe Biden’s life (think extended family, not harem). It’s a sunny look at democracy, if democracy were dolled up in J. Crew and American Apparel instead of stuffy, ill-fitting suits — unless the feature’s header ends up jinxing everything.