Latest Installment of ‘Ask A Network Head,’ Now With Serious Real Talk about MTV

Hey, children of the ‘80s/early ‘90s (or, as old people / people who don’t like you / marketing execs call you, “millennials”) MTV will not stand your whiny, tired, vaguely-rockist yearning and yammering about why it doesn’t play music videos anymore. MTV does not care about your music authenticity crusading nostalgia-trip BS.* And they will make it known.

Or rather, Brian Firenzi pretending to be an MTV Networks exec named “Michael Destiny” will make it known. On the latest edition of comedy duo Brian & Maria’s “Ask A Network Head,” a twenty-something asks the head of programming at MTV why they’ve traded in actual music videos for Jersey Shore and its various iterations. And the response, smug and condescending as it is in tone, is some serious real talk in its content. Basically, he argues, you brought this on yourselves. This is why you can’t have nice things. 

“Your generation—not the one before you, not the one after you—your generation decided to steal music, and music videos are more worthless than ever before,” says the exec. “Puff Daddy used to be able to drive a speedboat through an explosion! At least that looked cool.”

He goes on to explain how the people complaining the most about MTV no longer playing music videos are no longer MTV’s primary demographic, and with the advent of the Internet, the average casual music listener has SO MANY tools to discover new music and bands can develop a Twitter following for free practically overnight, so MTV as a medium for music discovery has been rendered irrelevant, and that you’re really just worried about becoming culturally irrelevant and getting old. This isn’t about MTV, is it? It’s about you and your own fear of becoming old and crochety and, Heaven forbid, uncool. Watch.

*Although the recent resurgence of Daria and new episodes of Beavis and Butt-Head may actually indicate otherwise, but that’s only because the nostalgia industry is where all the buttloads of money are.

Mitt Romney Connects To Young Folks With Dated Snooki Reference

Kind of like how you stopped listening to OK Go when your mom told you all about this great video of guys dancing on treadmills she saw on the Internet, Mitt Romney’s bald-faced lie that he likes Snooki is truly a sign Jersey Shore‘s time has passed.

Mittens and his wife Ann Romney will divulge their pop culture guilty pleasures on a pre-taped interview on Live! With Kelly And Michael airing Tuesday. "I’m kind of a Snooki fan," Mitt says, as quoted by the New York Post. He also, weirdly and creepily, lauds the 100-lb meatball for losing her baby weight so quickly. "Look how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight. She’s energetic. Just her spark-plug personality is kind of fun." Mittens then pretended to know what a Honey Boo Boo is and his wife Ann dissed the Kardashians: "Who can keep up with the Kardashians?"

Ba-dum-dum! They’ll be here all week, folks!

Not that we needed any more proof that the Romney’s are out of touch with the average American, this dated-reference attempt at a humanizing moment proves they’re out of touch pop culturally as well.  

 

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter and Tumblr.

Anthony Bourdain Reads From Snooki’s Novel

It’s a rather strange convergence of two popular and dramatically different television programs both entering their final seasons in fall 2012. It is also probably the only time you will ever hear writer, chef and television host Anthony Bourdain (of the soon-to-be-departed Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations) say the name “Snooki” out loud, in front of a camera.

As part of the first anniversary celebration of the Big Gay Ice Cream Shop, the standstill ice creamery companion of the fan-favorite truck notorious for treats like the “Salty Pimp” and the “Bea Arthur,” a number of celebrity chefs are offering their congratulations on YouTube, including Bizarre Foods host Andrew Zimmern and the team from Charm City Cakes (of Ace of Cakes fame). But Bourdain has something special up his sleeve: a deadpan reading of an excerpt from It’s A Shore Thing, the debut novel from Jersey Shore star-turned-momma Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. I don’t think he even believes he’s doing it.  Ah well, Happy Anniversary, Big Gay Ice Cream Shop!

Snooki Can Start Drinking Again

Snooki’s bun is out of the oven and that is joyous news: the Jersey Shore train wreck can start drinking again. I mean, unless she’s breastfeeding.

Snooki gave birth last night around 3a.m. at St. Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, New Jersey. I bet those Jersey suburbanites were thrilled! Child Protective Services’ newest client is named Lorenzo Dominic LaValle and is already being hailed by People as the world’s "youngest Guido." The daddy is Jionni LaValle, Snooki’s fiancé who spent the better part of the past two seasons accusing her of cheating on him. If you need to know more about the birth — say, what Snooki screamed in the throes of labor — something tells me video cameras were around to capture this special occasion.

NJ Towns Say Hell No To ‘Jersey Shore’ Spinoff

Despite the promise of a marked increase in booze sales at local watering holes, two New Jersey towns have refused to allow Jersey Shore‘s spinoff Snooki and JWoww to sully their good names.

495 Productions has been scoping NJ locations where Nicole Polizzi, who is due to give birth soon, and her best friend Jenny Farley can film their second season. Season one was filmed at an apartment in Jersey City.

The Point Pleasant Beach Council unanimously denied a request by the production company to bring the ladies to town, as did Toms River. Both towns were presumably scoped out for their eagle-eyed Child Protective Services.

Glutton-for-punishment Seaside Heights, the town which has suffered through four out of six seasons of Jersey Shore (save the ones filmed in Miami and Florence), said Snooki and JWoww is always welcome back to film there. That would suit Point Pleasant Beach’s mayor, who huffed to the Asbury Park Press newspaper: 

"Seaside gave birth to them and that’s where they need to stay. That’s the kind of publicity Seaside wants. It’s not the publicity we want. We are a family tourist destination. That’s what we want to cultivate."

A family tourist destination? Doesn’t he know Snooki is about to become a mom?

Your Daily Guide To Trending Topics

Every day there are some topics that are trending. Since many of them don’t make sense, we provide easy contextualization. Also, this way, you won’t actually have to know anything about anything.

Tony Awards

Who knew Google users were so theatrical? The trendingest term on the site this morning has to do with last night’s awards show, hosted by Neil Patrick Harris, which celebrated all things theater. Once, adapted from the twee movie of the same name, took the award for Best Musical, and the beloved revival of Clybourne Park took the award for Best Play.

Auburn University

Googlers are also curious about Auburn University or, more specifically, the shooting that took place near its campus Sunday. A pool party was interrupted, cops say, when Desmonte Leonard arrived at the soiree, shot three people dead and wounded three others in what might have been a fight over the affections of a lady. Leonard is still at large. Though people are tying the crime to the nearby school and its football team, but Auburn’s police chief has said, “The only connection that the Auburn football team has to this is they are victims of a brutal shooting. Sometimes the young men get a bad rap, I feel like, but they are the victims today.” 

Deena Cortese

Yahoo! users are more interested in the crimes of Jersey Shore star Cortese, who was arrested Sunday in Seaside Heights, NJ for disorderly conduct. According to TMZ, this came after a weekend that saw the show’s gents get into a bar brawl that left one cast member with a sprained ankle.  Since Snooki’s about to be a mom, someone’s gotta take over her role of being an out-of-control boardwalk hobbit. You can check out a video of the ordeal here.

Joe Paterno’s Will

Something else capturing the minds of Yahoo searchers this morning is the odd news that the will of the late Joe Paterno, the Penn State coach who died in January (and was tied up in all of that nasty pedophilia scandal stuff), has been mysteriously sealed. And it goes deeper than that. “Even the judge’s sealing order and the petition a Paterno attorney filed to request the order were sealed, erasing from the public record any explanation for the maneuver, which estate law experts and the Centre County register of wills called exceedingly rare,” reported Citizen’s Voice, a local newspaper. Something creepy’s going on! 

#10SignsShesTheOne

You’re doing better today, Twitter. While most of your worldwide trending topics are still exceptionally simple minded, in the U.S., news about tennis and the alleged butchering of some interesting Jeb Bush quotes are trending. Unfortunately, it’s just people postings the same stories again and again. Here and here. For variety in tweets, we had to go with this charmer. You’re welcome.  

THe One 4

The One 3

The One 2

The One 1

Morning Links: ‘The Situation’ Clears Up Rehab Rumors, Katy Perry Joins The Marines

● Clearing up rehab rumors, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino explained yesterday in a Facebook post that he has sought treatment to help him "take control" of his exhaustion related prescription medication use. And as his father ("The Confrontation") points out, this is not his first go-around. [HuffPost]

● We will have to thank Shepard Fairey — the street artist behind those Obama "Hope" posters and the man who brought the project to LBI and Imagine Entertainment — if George Orwell’s 1984 gets a much-deserved turn on the big screen. [THR]

● Katy Perry chops her hair off and joins the Marines in the video for her not-divorce song, "Part of Me." [Vulture]

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo DVD packaging — just a blank DVD with the title scrawled in magic marker, as if you burned the copy yourself — is throwing buyers and Redbox renters for a loop. [Telegraph]

● Apparently producers toyed first with the idea of a Hunger Games television series. No doubt they are happy they took the full-feature route that they did. [NYDN]

● With hook specialist Ester Dean as a guide, The New Yorker goes behind the scenes of the pop song sausage factory to see what it takes to make a "smash." [New Yorker]

Afternoon Links: Katy Perry Covers Jay and ‘Ye, Ashton Kutcher is Going to Space

● "This is about to get real embarrassing," warned Katy Perry just before diving into a family-friendly cover of Jay-Z and Kanye West’s hit “Niggas in Paris” on BBC Radio 1Xtra’s Live Lounge. At least she got the uniform part right. [Rap-Up]

Jersey Shore is set to shoot a 6th season in Seaside this summer, with Snooki and her nascent meatball baby and all. [Vulture]

● The Hunger Games craze has found it’s way into our local gyms, where can melt away the calories while “Sprinting to the Cornucopia” and pretend climbing trees in "Train Like a Tribute" classes. [NYDN]

● Frank Ocean has changed his mind about the planned commercial re-release of Nostalgia as Nostalgia, Lite. "Not icey," he says. [TheFarder]

● Aunt Rihanna was sure to make time for baby Blue Ivy Carter while she was in New York over the weekend for her grandmother’s birthday. [YBF]

● Ashton Kutcher has signed up for a trip to outerspace with Virgin Galactic, Richard Branson’s space tour company. Now, if only there were a way we could keep him out there… [JustJared]

Morning Links: Paparazzi Confuse Debby Harry for LiLo, Waka Flocka Flame Plays With Puppies

● Paparazzi were shocked to find that the sunglass-wearing platinum blonde they caught outside the Mercer Hotel on Sunday morning was 66-year-old Debbie Harry and not, in fact, the 25-year-old Lindsay Lohan they thought they were shooting. [PageSix]

● Kim Kardashian’s color-coded closet is very pleasing to the eye. [Us]

Downtown Abbey-heads, brace yourself! Beloved Dowager Countess, Dame Maggie Smith, has yet to sign on for the fourth and possibly fifth season. [DailyMail]

● Jessica Simpson has already begun embroidering the "nontraditional" name she’s chosen for her still nascent baby girl on things. “We’re sure,” she says of her choice.  [PageSix]

Jersey Shore‘s The Situation has launched a gossip website, Named Sitch News. The site has so far covered The Situation’s Jersey crew with a light touch — musicals, ab creams, etc. — but who’s to say we can’t expect a good Snooki scoop someday soon? [SitchNews]

● Waka Flocka Flame put his shirt back on and picked up a puppy for his second round of PETA ads. "Pick with someone your own size," he says. Awww! [RapRadar]

● The beautiful 1954 red vintage Chistian Dior gown Natalie Portman wore to the Oscars sold in an online auction for $50,000. [PageSix]