Links: Robert Pattinson is a Real Vampire, Jeremy London is Definitely Lying, Probably Racist

● Good news! Genealogists claim that Robert Pattinson is, in fact, related to historic vampire Vlad the Impaler. Also, George W. Bush and John Kerry. [CBS] ● Bristol Palin, progeny of Silly Sarah, is now an actress in a show about teenage pregnancy, which she really had, but still can’t pull off on screen. [Celebuzz] ● Ha, oh man, guys you’re never going to believe this. Yeah, remember that little mix-up with The Tonight Show and Leno and Conan and all that? Mmhmm, well as it turns out Leno is doing even worse than Conan was. [WWTDD]

● Not only is Jeremy London’s story about getting kidnapped a total lie—he actually requested drugs from his accused assailant—but he’s probably exploiting racist stereotypes, too. [Videogum] ● Evan Rachel Wood is in a new ad for Gucci and luckily the man kissing her looks nothing like Marilyn Manson. [ONTD] ● American Apparel is failing horribly as a company; gold spandex while supplies last. [MSNBC]

Links: Lady Gaga Covers ‘Rolling Stone’ Nearly Naked, Jeremy London Drug Story Still Unraveling

● Lady Gaga, equipped with two machine guns and skimpy undies, appears on the cover of the new issue of Rolling Stone, taking on that overexposure problem ass first. [HRO] ● After his second alcohol arrest, actor Chris Klein checked himself into rehab. If he meets a new agent there, it can be a two birds, one stone-type thing. [People] ● A man ready to be sent to prison in less than 48 hours for possessing a huge amount of drugs is taking questions on an internet forum. [Reddit]

● Jeremy London, who claimed he was kidnapped and forced to take drugs, looks more and more like a bad liar now that it’s come out that he lost custody of his son and was being regularly drug tested. Now it’s not even a good movie plot. [Radar] ● Jay-Z has settled his lawsuit with Boston Red Sox star David Ortiz over the baseball slugger’s use of Jay’s nightclub name Forty/Forty. Yankees win again. [Starpulse] ● Maybe judges are criminally underpaid, because this one wants to write crazy things about an Anna Nicole Smith murder mystery. [TMZ]

Links: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon Smell, Jeremy London’s Fake Ordeal

● Mariah Carey’s new fragrance, “Lollipop Bling,” is inspired by her husband Nick Cannon. It smells like Nickelodeon Gak, underachievement, and emasculation. [People] ● There is only one bad review of Toy Story 3. It goes, in part, like this: “Transformers 2 already explored the same plot to greater thrill and opulence.” Obviously. [Slashfilm] ● Actors are worried they won’t get work if IMDb continues to list their ages. Betty White says “buzz off.” [HuffPo]

● Jeremy London, who claims he was kidnapped and forced to take drugs, may be making the whole thing up, possibly to counter his own irrelevance. The entire case is like Scooby-Doo, the reality show. [Celebuzz] ● Kanye West is being questioned for details surrounding the shooting of notorious rap mogul Suge Knight, who ended up with a busted leg at one of Kanye’s parties. If any rapper knows nothing about guns, it’s the one who samples showtunes. [Page Six] ● The porn version of Avatar, created by Hustler, will be in 3-D. Up next: an audience splash zone. [MNN]

Links: Miley Cyrus Loves Tattoos, Jeremy London Kidnapping Horror Story

● Miley Cyrus may have gotten “LOVE” tattooed on her ear, or maybe she drew it there with pen as 17-year-olds tend to do, but it’s probably the worse of the two. [PopEater] ● Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer claims she tested negative for alcohol earlier this month after the MTV Awards. “I mean, I peed it all out anyway,” she said. [People] ● Barack Obama signature analysis: it looks like a penis. [Daily What]

● Nearly unheard from actor Jeremy London was allegedly kidnapped and forced to do drugs. There’s a documentary about this called Training Day. [HuffPo] ● When asked if it was appropriate to give his 16-year-old son a $400,000 car, Sean “Diddy” Combs said, “It’s appropriate for me to give my kids whatever I give my kids.” And that’s why he’s the boss. [Page Six] ● At least nine people were arrested outside of the Staple Center in Los Angeles while celebrating the LA Lakers’ NBA championship win. Ex-Laker Shaq and his crew could not be reached for comment. [LAT]