Morning Links: Khloe Kardashian’s Fox Nip Slip, Chuck Norris Officially ‘Worst Actor’

● “Thank God! I fucking love nipples,” tweeted Khloe Kardashian after falling victim to a minor wardrobe malfunction on Fox & Friends. Embracing a little nip on stodgy broadcast news? Bravo! [NYDN] ● Judd Apatow’s brood of regulars seems to be growing. Old stand-bys Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann are already slated for the upcoming Knocked Up spin-off, while Bridesmaids Chris O’Dowd and funny ladies Lena Dunham and Charlene Yi are in negotiations to join the cast. [Variety] ● Dakota Fanning graduated high school yesterday, having rounded out her teenage experience with two homecoming queen crowns and a varsity letter for cheerleading. [People]

● Emma Watson says she dropped out of Brown not because of rumored bullying, but because of her fame: “”I wanted to pretend I wasn’t as famous as I was,” she said. “I was trying to seek out normality, but I kind of have to accept who I am, the position I’m in, and what happened.” [People] ● Matt Damon has postponed his previously planned fundraiser for embattled Congressman Anthony Weiner, but hasn’t yet given up hope: “Look, I really support his politics,” he told NYM. “Anybody who fights for the working class and the middle class, I’ll help in any way I can.” [NYM] ● Slate did some math using Rotten Tomatoes scores and found that Chuck Norris is the worst actor ever, something we all already knew and loved about him. Perhaps more tragically, Jennifer Love Hewitt was found to be the worst actress, having the “rare distinction of never having made a single ‘fresh’ (above 60 percent on Rotten Tomatoes) film.” [Slate]

Today in Awful Movies: ‘The Client List’ Trailer

Is this a parody of a Lifetime movie? Wait, no, it’s an actual trailer for an actual Lifetime movie, actually starring Jennifer Love Hewitt as a wayward housewife-turned-prostitute. To be fair, I didn’t even know that they made trailers for Lifetime movies, let alone Lifetime movies starring Jennifer Love Hewitt as a fancy prostitute who buys motorcycles, but, you know, okay, I’ll roll with the punches. Still, the question must be asked: is this a good trailer for a Lifetime movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt as a selfish Midwestern prostitute who gives up the names of “prominent members of the community” she has serviced in order to avoid a lengthy jail sentence and still see her kids? The thrilling answer, after the break.

Not really, no.

I really want someone to pull a gif of her going, “Oh my gawd.” Also, what’s with the timing of this? “Hey, we’re only just now starting to climb out of the worst recession in decades, let’s release a movie about a woman who becomes a sex worker in order to provide for her family and then gets shamed for it, because, really, that’s what the public wants after one of the worst recessions in decades,” said a genius Lifetime executive.

Bald-Dazzling Inspired by Britney Spears and Vaginas

First vaginas were having all the fun when Jennifer Love Hewitt devoted a chapter in her dating advice book to “vagazzlin.” Now, in a crazy twist of fate, the bejeweling is migrating north to bald heads everywhere. The trend, which was seen on runways and has been garnering a bit of attention over the last week, is no DIY movement. Though the London-born headmaster Phil Levine of Phil Says, has been parading his bald-y jewels around town since 2006, the trend has a namesake spa, Bald Dazzle, that is devoted to the art of festooning follicle-free craniums. Their packages are all named after Hollywood’s more famous bald ladies, ranging from those brave souls who lost their coif for a movie to a nervous breakdown.

From Spa Sally: The Bald-Dazzle starts with a complete stylish professional head-shave. Now that the canvas is blank, the artistry can begin. Choose one of the elegant and stylish designs, then choose your “dazzles” from a sparkling collection of costume jewels. Everyone else will have a breakdown when they see your hot new spring look. So hide those golf clubs!

image $50 Bald-Dazzle – The Natalie 1 Head Shave & Dazzling Session (75% off – regularly $200.00) Costume jewels just won’t do your do. Step up to actual Swavorski crystals and really stand out from the crowd.

image $25 Bald-Dazzle – The Britney 1 Head Shave & Dazzling Session (75% off – regularly $100.00)

image $75 Bald-Dazzle – The Demi 1 Head Shave & Dazzling Session (85% off – regularly $500.00) Nothing but the best for your bald head. Diamonds it is!

But the real deal in town is actually by the bedazzling pioneer Phil, whose designs became quite popular among Brits years ago, inspiring bald men and women alike. His original “head art” has been reaching places as far as Japan and China. Mimma Viglezio seems to think the trend has legs. The Excecutive Vice President of the Gucci Group said “The first time I saw Philip he was sporting an incredible headpiece made of Swarovski crystals. I was so amazed that I approached him, touched it and asked thousands of questions. I love creativity and I love it when someone has the strength to impose theirs in such an incredibly beautiful and original way.” Here’s a video of his heady work.

The Bryce Gruber Vajazzling Adventure: Annotated Edition

In a recent post for The Luxury Spot, Bryce Gruber — Manhattanite mom, jet-setter, and person whose aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay — tried out one of the hottest trends of 2010: vajazzling. What is vajazzling? Last month, in an interview for Lopez Tonight, Jennifer Love Hewitt explained the phenomenon well: “I pay someone to glue JEWELS all over my VAGINA…swarofski crystals, specifically…lots of them…glued to my vagina.” [Ed. note: I prefer the term vagina-jewel-gluing, not vajazzling, because I am an adult and do not need to invent nursery rhyme words for things that people do to their genitals. But, as always, the universe has voted and the correct terminology, it seems, is vajazzling.] Anyway, Bryce headed to Manhattan’s Completely Bare Spa to try out the vajazzling procedure and the pictures she brought back are pretty great. I thought it would be fun to annotate them.

As you would expect, the pictures are both gorgeous and evocative. As with all great photography, they tell a story. But what story do they tell? Let’s find out!

image “This is the spa where I had jewels glued to the top of my vagina. See that drawing of a girl? Look how happy she is! That is because she has many vagina jewels.”

image
“This is the nice lady who waxed my vajayjay so that I could get vajazzled! Oooh, that wax looks hot and painful, huh? I know what you’re thinking. ‘Was it worth it?’ For vagina jewels? Duh!”

image “Now the nice lady is gluing — literally gluing — the expensive crystals onto my pubis. Look at the precision with which she does this. She is a consummate craftswoman.”

image “Lookin’ good, yo!”

image “Yay! Happy happy vagina jewels!”

Seems like my girl Bryce had a pretty good time. High five! But what does J-Love think about vajazzling?

image “I use only the best jewels for my vagina.”

Fair enough, J-Love, fair enough.

The Week in Vaginas: Bedazzling and Kazoo Playing

I wish I could say vaginas are having the best week ever (maybe yours is!), but mostly they’re still recovering from the news that their G-Spot has gone missing. Luckily, there have been a few stories sure to cheer vaginas everywhere, by reminding them that, g-spot or no, they can do just about anything, from playing a kazoo, to lifting weights, to getting bedazzled or even dyed pink. The top vagina stories of the week after the jump.

1. The 10 Most Amazing Vaginas This is a list of the most amazing vaginas in the history of vaginas. Honestly, it’s inspiring (and SFW!) Amy Watson’s can play the kazoo. Tatiata Kozhevnikova’s can lift 31 lbs. Carolee Schneeman’s uses hers as a place to keep important documents. The comprehensive list reminds vaginas everywhere they don’t need an elusive G-Spot to really enjoy the finer things in life.

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt bedazzles her vagina “After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady,” Hewitt said on The George Lopez show. I’m not sure which is stranger, the actual act of gluing sharp studs to your girl parts as a way to replace a carton of ice cream and a romantic comedy, or the fact that her friend was the one who stuck them on there. “It shined like a disco ball so I have a whole chapter in [my new book] on how women should vajazzle their vajayjays,” said J-Love, really trying to make vajazzle happen. (We’re rooting for vagazzle.)The take away? if your vagina doesn’t look like it’s going dancing at Studio 54, you’re just not ready to dance.

3. Rectify “genital color loss” with My New Pink Button Is your vagina not pink enough? Is it maybe turning purple or yellow or getting orange polka dots? Well, there’s a product for you. My New Pink Button restores the labia to its ‘proper’ pink and “restores sexual confidence to Women everywhere!” despite the fact that dying your vagina in shades of Betty, Ginger, Marilyn and Audrey just seems weird. Inspired by My New Pink Button, the chicks over at the Frisky compiled a list of five products vaginas could do without. On it, getting a carpet to match the drapes with the Malibu Betty Color Kit and the breath-mint-for-your-vagina Linger. Seriously, save it for your boyfriend.

Celebrity Hotels of Our Dreams

London’s Telegraph runs a slideshow of the “The best celebrity-owned hotels.” It’s a pretty random grouping. Sure, we knew Robert DeNiro was behind New York’s Greenwich Hotel (and its delicious restaurant), but did you know Gloria Estefan and John Malkovich were also in on the celeb hotel game? Yeah, neither did we. It got us thinking about what other celebs could and should give hotelier-ing a go.

Heidi Montag Fresh off her confession/desperate-publicity-plea of plastic surgery addiction, it could be prime time for Mrs. Spencer Pratt to help those like her. We’re envisioning a beachy plastic surgery recovery center somewhere in SoCal or just south of the border. Spencer would run the place with her, caring dude that he is, presumably stealing guests’ pain medication for his own bro-tastic use.

Jennifer Love Hewitt News of her use of Swarovski crystals around her woman bits (official term: vagazzling) to empower her “precious lady” after a breakup, makes us think Jen could really “shine” by heading up a female empowerment and spirituality resort. We’re thinking somewhere you could take the girls for a fun weekend of vinyasas, Chardonnay, and, of course, Vagazzling (yeah, we’re now thinking this is a word that merits capitalization).

Gwyneth Paltrow Really, it’s almost shocking that her royal GOOP-ness doesn’t yet have a little B and B she “runs” on the side. We’re thinking a snowy-cabin-in-the-wood place in New England where there are cable knit sweaters awaiting you in your guest room, which just so happens to be decorated with tasteful (always tasteful) nude photos of the inn’s owner. Rooms also feature iPods filled with Coldplay tunes, thinning mirrors, and do-it-yourself colonics. It is sort of like hell with good knitwear.

Links: R. Kelly + Amy Winehouse, Jennifer Love Hewitt Writes

● Neil Patrick Harris would like you to know that he and boyfriend David Burtka are not having a child through a surrogate, despite what Star magazine says. [JustJared] ● PETA is upset with President Obama because of what they call an “execution” of a harmless fly during an interview. [Reuters] ● This could be the best, worst duet since Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson’s “Say, Say, Say.” R. Kelly wants to record a duet with tropical hot mess Amy Winehouse. [PopCrunch]

● After more than a year of back-and-forth, Katherine Heigl has renewed her contract for Grey’s Anatomy, which must mean Izzie lives! [E!] ● Could Disney be behind the cooling-down of tween couple Selena Gomez and Taylor Lautner? Disney doesn’t want young viewers to confuse her tabloid life with her show and tune out (Miley anyone?). [PopCrunch] ● Despite jumping from relationship to relationship since she was 18, Jennifer Love Hewitt is planning to publish a relationship book called The Day I Shot Cupid. [CelebGossip]
R. Kelly Tickets Palace Theatre Albany Tickets Albany Tickets

Links: Halle Berry as Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt vs. Hillary Duff

● Prince may have a little crush on Salma Hayek. His new song is named after her daughter Valentina; in it, he sings “Hey Valentina, tell your mama she should give me a call.” Smart man to go through the daughter first, except she can’t quite speak yet. [Spinner] ● Halle Berry looks a lot like Jennifer Lopez on the cover of the new Harper’s Bazaar. [JustJared] ● Did you notice Britney Spears’ slimmer figure in those new Candies ads? That’s no diet; the signer called in the airbrush pros. [E&Sb]

● Now that Sam Ronson and Lilo are over, what high-profile lesbian should Sam go out with next? The L Word’s Katherine Moennig? Or maybe bi-curious actress Elisha Cuthbert? [TheFrisky] ● Turns out True Blood costars Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are dating, and unlike their characters, they actually can go out in the sun. [JustJared] ● Are Jennifer Love Hewitt and Hillary Duff in a feud? Duff recently shot an episode on J. Love’s The Ghost Whisperer and was getting too close to J.Love’s boyfriend-of-the-month, Jamie Kennedy. [NationalLedger]