Matthew McConaughey Really Wants An Oscar For ‘The Dallas Buyer’s Club’

Celebrities! They’re just like us! Sometimes they are spotted at the airport looking emaciated and with terrible haircuts and mustaches! Yes, that’s Matthew McConaughey right there, who is looking gaunt and sickly for his role in the upcoming The Dallas Buyer’s Club, in which he’ll be playing an AIDS patient. Ladies and gentlemen, get your 2014 Oscar ballots ready because McConaughey is gunning for a trophy!

McConaughey was spotted last week at LAX while taking a break from filming the movie, which also stars Jennifer Garner and Jared Leto, who, according to E!, will be "playing a cross-dresser with AIDS." This sounds like a fun little flick, huh? How will this fare against Ryan Murphy’s big-screen adaptation of Larry Kramer’s masterpiece The Normal Heart? Well, Jennifer Garner is certainly a poor man’s Julia Roberts, who will be starring in The Normal Heart as a wheelchair-bound doctor (Ellen Barkin won a Tony for the role in the play’s Broadway production last year). The Dallas Buyer’s Club definitely lacks the star power of Kramer’s AIDS epic (Alec Baldwin, Mark Ruffalo, Jim Parsons, and McConaughey’s Magic Mike co-star Matt Bomer have all joined the cast of The Normal Heart). 

This match-up is really the Armageddon / Deep Impact of 2013 AIDS movies, huh?

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Jennifer Garner Battles Olivia Wilde in All-American Pursuit of Butter Carving

Butter, y’all! Ain’t nothin’ more American, except maybe patriotism and competition. And strippers. And Kristen Schaal (this is my America, dammit). Butter has all that and more, with an all-star cast including Jennifer Garner, Hugh Jackman, Ty Burrell, Alicia Silverstone, and Olivia Wilde. And butter carving! It’s great to see the artistic sensibility of the Midwest finally breaking into the mainstream. (Next up: deep-fried Oreos!)

Jennifer Garner to Play Old Spinster Miss Marple

Well here’s a casting decision that makes sense: 38-year-old Jennifer Garner will play Miss Marple in a Disney version of the classic Agatha Christie series. Maybe they haven’t read any Miss Marple books? She’s an old lady who solves mysteries as a hobby in a quaint English town. And she’s awesome. But Hollywood just had to go and mess with her.

Maybe because women pass their expiry date at age 40 in the movie industry. They just couldn’t handle the idea of an elderly leading lady, I guess. (Anyway, don’t we have Helen Mirren for sexy older woman roles now?) There have already been a number of Miss Marple movie and television remakes, the most famous of which stars Angela Lansbury.

Jennifer Garner is also a charisma black hole, but that’s another story. Maybe she’ll be great! But Hollywood could have been so much cooler about this. Some slimy industry person was all “Let’s make Miss Marple hot,” which defeats the purpose of Miss Marple. Whatever. I’m fairly confident that I’m the only person in America to feel any outrage about this.

Here’s Joan Hickson as Miss Marple. She proves you don’t have to be young and hot to be totally badass. Admittedly, this version is super boring, but still.