Links: Heidi Montag Wants Her Old Boobs Back, Elin Nordegren Speaks

● “My boobs are crushing me,” Heidi Montag told Life & Style magazine. Be careful what you wish for, and of ideas recommended by Spencer Pratt. [Page Six] ● Lindsay Lohan left rehab a few days early and is free to return to the life of a thespian, studying classical plays while sipping hot cocoa and knitting when she needs a little break. [AP] ● Wyclef Jean is not allowed to appeal the Haitian ruling barring him from running for president. It’s time to move on, and to put that Will.i.am back in his rightful place. [Vulture]

● Elin Nordegren, the spurned wife of Tiger Woods, tells the world, in her very first interview since being publicly humiliated for months (and maybe ever), “I feel stronger than I ever have.” [People] ● Jenna Jameson says celebrities make sex tapes and then lie about being victimized. We need more stars with dignity, like Montana Fisbourne. Or Jenna Jameson. [HuffPo] ● It is possible that Ke$ha, Miley Cyrus, and Katy Perry are all singing the same song. One is more than enough. [NYM]

Afternoon Links: Sean Penn Is Purty, Rachel Uchitel Wants Her Some Tiger

● Sean Penn: Serious actor, serious director, serious activist, serious Wyclef Jean skeptic, and now, serious babe. [D Listed] ● Someone wielding two large knives tried breaking into Paris Hilton’s home before she called the police. She really doesn’t recognize her own gardener? [TMZ] ● Joanna Newsom says she’ll be touring the U.S. this November, traveling from city to city with nothing but a wand, a dash fairy dust, and good cheer. [Pitchfork]

● Thank the Lord Jenna Jameson has thrown her weight into the great sex tape debate, because arguing over mosques and religious tolerance is so not sexy. [Jenna Jameson/Twitter] ● Apparently Rachel Uchitel would “give up everything” to have the newly-divorced Tiger Woods back, and for someone who has nothing, everything is a whole lot. [TMZ] ● Thanks to the miracle of DNA testing, scientists are more certain than ever that Hitler had both Jewish and African blood. He’s the new Amar’e Stoudemire! [Telegraph UK]

Links: Mariah Carey Doesn’t ‘Get’ Marriage, Keeps Getting Married; Hugh Hefner Saves Hollywood Sign

● Mariah Carey and husband Nick Cannon will renew their wedding vows for the second time on their second wedding anniversary. They don’t understand and they have no real friends to tell them they don’t understand. [People] ● Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint have made nearly $130 million collectively since the Harry Potter movies began, with Radcliffe alone taking in $64.5, making Robert Pattinson look like the Pauly Shore of bank accounts. [MSN] ● New pictures of Lady Gaga before she was famous, but after she stopped wearing American Eagle, are comforting, like a hug from your mother. [Esquire]

● Hugh Hefner donated the last $900,000 needed by a conservation group to save the Hollywood sign. The Playboy magnate said the historical sign didn’t need a face lift, but could probably use a boob job. [Stuff] ● Fourteen-year-old fashion blogger Tavi Gevinson had her website shut down by Google due to a fashion photograph she posted featuring some breasts. The internet fought back and The Oppressors promptly apologized, begging the teen not to write anything mean about them. [Gawker] ● Jenna Jameson will press charges against her Ultimate Fighting husband, Tito Ortiz, after a domestic disturbance. Imagine if Charlie Sheen knew how to do a leg lock. [TMZ]

13 Hollywood Mistresses Worth Cheating For

Tiger Woods may be up to his putter in a mistress scandal, but what’s most disturbing about this particular case of martial infidelity is that Tiger’s wife is a ridiculously attractive Nordic supermodel. Despite this fact, the man still found it necessary to cheat with strange picked up at various bars across the country. Sure, some of the girls in question aren’t too shabby either, but was it really worth it? Now, no one here is advocating cheating on wives or significant others, but if you are a celebrity and you do decide to cheat, at least shoot for an upgrade. For example!

(‘DiggThis’)image1. Kevin Federline Cheated on Shar Jackson with Britney Spears. It’s sad to say, but when looking at the options, I don’t think any man on earth really blames K-Fed for his decision. It’s like when you own a clunker, and some executive does a suicidal plummet off of the roof of his office and the keys to his Benz just happen to land in your hand. What, you’re not going to trade up?

image2. Billy Crudup Cheated on Mary-Louise Parker with Claire Danes. Now I know there may be some heated debate on this one, but let the record show that this bout of infidelity took place prior to Parker’s sexy turn on Weeds. What makes this a particularly nasty split is that Parker was pregnant when Billy broke their bond. What goes around comes around, as Danes eventually cheated on Billy with Hugh Dancy while filming Evening. Oh well, Billy, you had a good run.

image3. Donald Trump Cheated on Ivana Trump with Marla Maples. Money may not buy happiness, but in Ivana’s case, the rumored $20 million and change from her divorce certainly must have helped. Was it any surprise that Donald cheated? Not likely. It was more of a surprise that he managed to get a woman as hot as Marla Maples. Come to think of it, maybe money really does buy happiness. Though apparently, it doesn’t buy a good toupee. However, do you really need a good toupee when you’ve got money to close the deal?

image4. Paul Hogan Cheated on Noelene Hogan with Linda Kozlowski. Paul and Noelene were the Australian equivalent of Brangelina for many years. Then Hogan met Linda Kozlowski on the set of Crocodile Dundee and saw her in that one-piece bathing suit. The rest is history, mate. Apparently it was a love at first sight scenario, because the two are still together and even have a son between them. Good job Paul. I mean, if you’re going to cheat, at least.

image5. Brad Pitt Cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie. If you didn’t know about this one, then hopefully a landslide will take down that rock you’ve been living under. While it’s hard for a man to imagine how anyone could cheat on Jennifer Aniston, it’s harder for a man to imagine not sleeping with Angelina Jolie given the opportunity. Jen is hot, but the concept of “Branifer” just isn’t as clever. Also, think of the African children saved by this union!

image6. David Letterman Cheated on Regina Lasko with Stephanie Birkitt. Well, all right, Letterman’s given himself enough grief over this one. Among others.

image7. Balthazar Getty Cheated on Rosetta Getty with Sienna Miller. While Balthazar has kids with Rosetta, he clearly made the right choice in picking Sienna Miller, according to cheater calculus. Truly, if you’re going to pick someone to break up your marriage, don’t you want to pick the girl that you know won’t last long? See also: Jude Law.

image8. Marc Anthony Cheated on Dayanara Torres with Jennifer Lopez. No one can deny that Dayanara Torres is attractive, but when presented with J-Lo on a hook, who wouldn’t take the bait? Clearly it was worth the trouble, because people actually know who Marc Anthony is now. He’s still not known for being a musician, but fame is fame. And in true player form, Anthony has even been caught cheating on J-Lo with Dayanara.

image9. Billy Bob Thornton Cheated on Laura Dern with Angelina Jolie. Laura Dern is an elegant, charming dream girl that any man would love to be with. But as Billy Bob and the rest of male America knows at this point, Angelina Jolie is the wet dream girl that any man would be crazy not to sleep with. This trade up is so easy to understand that even Laura Dern got it, and eventually traded up herself, settling down with musician Ben Harper.

image10. Nick Lachey Cheated on Jessica Simpson with Vanessa Minnillo. You may think Nick is crazy for cheating on Jessica Simpson, but that’s because you’re not Nick Lachey. It’s hard for most people to envision doing better than Jessica because she’s the spitting image of a busty girl next door. On the other hand, Vanessa Minnillo is like the exotic version of the busty girl next door.

image11. Usher Cheated on Tameka Foster with Grace Miguel. Everyone involved here is certainly attractive and accomplished and would have no need of, say, cutting a person who remarked on the situation, so let’s move on.

image12. Robert Rodriguez Cheated on Elizabeth Avellán with Rose McGowan. Director doing his star? Shocking. Strangely there’s almost a ghost of a physical resemblance there, in some intangible way. But why go where Marilyn Manson has already been?

image13. Dave Navarro Cheated on Carmen Electra with Jenna Jameson. In terms of raw beauty, it’s impossible to determine if Carmen is hotter than Jenna, or vice versa. That would be like comparing a sunset in Fiji to a sunset in Hawaii, or a jeweled dog collar to a jeweled leash. There’s no difference. But when it comes down to “professional talent,” one of them only looks like a porn star, while the other actually is a porn star.

Links: Megan Fox as Hannah Montana, Noel Gallagher J’accuse

● Demi Moore will take a break from working out and being Mrs. Ashton Kutcher to guest-star on her husband’s new show The Beautiful Life. [DailyMail] ● Megan Fox reveals in Cosmo that the one missed role she wishes she’d said yes to was the Hannah Montana movie. [JustJared] ● Matt Damon will accept the American Cinematheque Lifetime Achievement Award at the ripe old age of 39. [ContactMusic]

GQ magazine should send Robert Pattinson and Jennifer Aniston a fruit basket because their covers are keeping the magazine afloat in these difficult times. [Showbizspy] ● A baby (or babies) does Jenna Jameson’s body good; the former porn star has come back from the brink of skeletor-ness since having a couple kids. [TMZ] ● Noel Gallagher blames “lack of support and understanding from management and bandmates” for killing Oasis. Thanks a lot Liam. [NME]

Links: Girl-Crushing on Megan Fox, Kristen Stewart Jett Set

● Add Kim Kardashian to the list of those who have a girl crush on Megan Fox. [PopCrunch] ● Speaking of Fox, is there a good tattoo artist out there who’s also fan? ‘Cause she’s looking to get some ink! Have your people call her people. [E!] ● Johnny Depp says he’s eager to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow; the actor hopes the Pirates series becomes like a “Beckett play” and could see his character in a “geisha clothing.” [DigitalSpy]

● Kristen Stewart is really getting into her new role as Joan Jett, so much so that she flew into the air and ate pavement while filming a scene. [TMZ] ● After months of speculation, Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey have reportedly broken up; it was an “amicable spilt,” and they of course remain friends. [JustJared] ● Jenna Jameson is mad with TMZ TV for saying her hips look wide; first she’s too skinny, now she’s too fat. She did just have twins not too long ago. [Myspace]

Links: Thom Yorke Thopless, Katy Perry Would Kiss Kristen Stewart

● Class act Aubrey O’Day is hoping to be the godmother to BFFs Jenna Jameson’s sons; after all, O’Day was the first one to know the ex-porn-star was pregnant. [OKMagazine] ● Lady Gaga’s bubble-ball dress she wears on her “Fame Ball” tour is making fashionistas do a double-take, as it’s almost identical to a Hussein Chalayan piece from his S/S 2007 collection. [NYTblog] ● Ever wonder what Thom Yorke looks like without a shirt on? Here’s your “chance” to find out for real. [JustJared]

● If Katy Perry could kiss another girl, she says it would be Twilight star Kristen Stewart. Sounds like material for her follow-up album. [Celebuzz] ● Marilyn Manson now wants ex-wife Dita Von Teese back; thankfully the feeling isn’t mutual. Guess Manson got tired of Dita rip-offs and wanted the original again. [Dlisted] ● Nicole Richie has launched her own website; in it, you can read her diary, where she discusses her design philosophy. (which actually isn’t a philosophy). [NicoleRichie]

Tera Patrick Busts Through

Tera Patrick has oodles of sex. Need proof? The 5″9″ former Ford model from Great Falls, Montana is one of the top actresses in the adult entertainment industry, and she’s got the multi-million dollar empire to prove it. She’s business by day, bondage by night. Along with her husband, former Oz actor Evan Seinfeld, she’s one-half of a porn super couple, a TomKat with anal beads. Throughout her near ten-year career, she’s gone beyond the San Fernando Valley and landed on the cover of FHM magazine, played a version of herself on “Aqua Teen Hunger Force,” and most recently served as a special producer on the video game Saints Row 2. I spoke to the woman formerly known as Linda Ann Hopkins about sharing her husband with porn stars, her non-relationship with Jenna Jameson, and which of her colleagues is the authority on cunnilingus.

Tell me about your involvement in Saint’s Row 2.

Saint’s Row 2 is s a very exciting project. It’s really cool because not only am I working on a video game, but I have a teenage brother, so I’m like a hero to him. It’s really exciting because it’s my demographic: young boys, twenty year old boys, thirty year old boys. Video games are like porn movies. Everybody loves them and everybody plays them.

You’ve managed to transcend porn and have somewhat of a mainstream presence, which is very rare for porn stars. Jenna Jameson is another example.

I’m the only one with a mainstream presence. Jenna’s never been on the cover of FHM. There’s a lot more things I’ve done than Jenna. I wouldn’t say she has a mainstream presence, I would say that she is the number one face of porn. She has more of a porn look. And Jenna’s a lot older than me and she’s been in the business a lot longer than me. She was the first to go mainstream with Howard Stern, but I’ve done more legitimate mainstream things than she has. There’s really no other porn star that’s crossed into mainstream that I can think of. I’m the only girl that’s been on FHM, I have a video game, I’ve been on the Carson Daly show, I’ve done a lot of stuff. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, I’m not saying I’m definitely out of porn or turning my back on porn, I would never do that. But I’m pretty much the girl that makes porn okay.

Why have you achieved this mainstream recognition?

Aside from the fact that I have a good work ethic, good attitude, I can act, and I’m intelligent, I don’t look like a porn star. I’m not bleached blonde with silicon and fake lips. I have a good look. I look like a fashion model. There’s nothing wrong with looking like a porn star, but when women see me, it’s okay for their husbands to look at me. I’m not fake looking.

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Has porn changed a lot since you started in 1999?

The presence was definitely different. There was a lot less girls in the industry. It used to be owned by old, bald, hairy Jewish guys. Now I’m the one who is capitalizing on my look. Now it’s about empowerment over exploitation. It’s about the performers taking over, the girls making the money for the first time. There’s a lot of women that devoted a lot of their lives to working in the industry for ten, fifteen, or twenty years and they don’t have anything.

Are you and Jenna Jameson friends? I know you were involved in a legal snafu.

No. I was never affiliated with her. Jenna and I have never worked together. There was a brief moment where I did some business with Club Jenna, but that is no longer. I am completely in charge of my entire empire. I wish Jenna the best.

Did you have some kind of falling out?

No, we’ve never had a falling out! We’ve only met a few times, and she’s no longer in the business. We just don’t speak and I only wish her the best.

A lot of porn stars are high-priced escorts on the side. Have you ever come across that?

It’s never come across for me personally. I have never done it, I have no interest in it. I make money using my brain. I say more power to any girl who does whatever she wants to do. The business is open with many opportunities and I say, if you’re a woman, do whatever you can. More power to you.

When you first met your husband, he wasn’t in the porn industry. Was it tough to convince him to join the business?

No way! Please, every guy wants to be a porn star.

And you both perform with other actors. Is it tough having that kind of open relationship?

Our relationship isn’t open. It’s not a typical marriage, but we’re not swingers. We don’t sleep with people outside of the business. We trust each other. We don’t call each other ten times a day to see what each other’s doing. We call each other ten times a day to say, I love you, come home and fuck me now.

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You once said you’d be done with porn in two years. Is that true?

When I said that I was basing it on some ideal. But if you would have told me, I’m gonna own a big company, make beautiful movies, and make millions of dollars, I would have been like, yeah right. I just want to get laid today. I got laid that day, I’m still getting laid today, and I have millions of dollars. It’s a good feeling.

So which of your fellow female pornstars gives the best oral sex?

Savannah. Oh my god, Savannah is amazing. I’ll always remember the first time I ever did girl on girl with her. You know who has the most amazing eyes when she looks at you and fucks you? Felicia. She is so gorgeous. It’s just like, will you marry me? My dream girl that I’ve never been with, that I would do anything to be with, is Belladonna.

Do you think that with the proliferation of porn online, it’s lost some of its mystique?

The good thing about our industry is there are so many niches. We could sit here and say the value of porn is going down, there’s a lot of porn that isn’t really my style, or the type of porn I would shoot today, back when I was shooting by myself. Yeah I shot gonzo, and I shot low-end stuff, do I regret it? No. It made my career. But it’s not something I would do today and I feel like there’s a niche for everyone. If they’re making money, good for them.

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Manhattan Nightlife Marathon: From Here to Kobe

“I’ve got too much on my plate,” a buxom blonde whines over a mound of Kobe beef in a slick corner booth at the Kobe Club. She has no idea. In one night we’re tempted to traipse through most of Manhattan, fitting in Richie Rich’s Rox and Riley Footwear Launch Party at 205 downtown, uptown to the Kobe Club to celebrate the opening of Kobe Beach Club uptown, chat up Eva Mendes at Calvin Klein, and gawk at the Bravo Awards after-party. We certainly have a lot on our plate tonight, and it’s not sirloin.

image The first person we spy outside of 205 is the iconic Andre J. He hugs and kisses, then gushes a bit about Richie Rich’s new shoes. As first impressions go, this is a fine way start to the night. Inside it looks like a subterranean vault decorated by the CFDA Awards. Shoes line the walls along with stylish uptowners, downtowners, and out-of-towners, the gritty foundation offset by fashion. We creep towards the back, conscious that Richie must have set up camp here. Sure enough, Rich is perched and posing alongside his friends in a darkened corner. He hops down to say hello, just as a camera crew shines a light on aforementioned friends revealing Jenna Jameson, Andy Hilfiger, Jaslene Gonzalez from “America’s Next Top Model” Cycle 8, and Tito Ortiz. After chatting up Jaslene for a (very) brief moment, we felt like our work was done and raced onward.

image Uptown, the Kobe Club is the antithesis of 205: trendy, sleek, and filled with people of the same appeal. We sidle up to the bar and order cocktails, which are dangerously complimentary in celebration of the grand opening of the Kobe Beach Club in East Hampton. Lucky for us, we had to travel uptown rather than out east to try the beef and glimpse celebrities. We sit at the front bar, front row to see Mark Ronson, Daniel Merriweather, Taryn Manning, and Arden Wohl (we think) sashaying by. Later, I bum a smoke from Ronson, and Nick Haramis chats him up about BlackBook’s new Room100 feature in which Mark stars. “You know it got me into ‘Page Six?’” he muses. We didn’t.

After a few blurry text messages, we learn the Calvin Klein Secret Obsession Fragrance Launch party hosted by Eva Mendes has been mysteriously cancelled, just as it was mysteriously being held above the site of Heath Ledger’s death. We also learn between bits of beef and (amazing) wasabi peas that we’ve missed Bravo’s A-List Awards after-party. There’s no need to wallow in regret, as we order one last round and make plans to go back downtown to 1Oak. Another night of being dressed down with everywhere to go.