Oh, Good Friday: Here Are the Ten Hottest Jesuses

If I’ve learned anything from Hollywood, it’s this: Jesus was a hottie. There’ve been hundreds of actors throughout the years who have donned the robes and the wigs and the fake beards to play our Lord and Savior, but only a select few could be singled out as being the hottest Jesuses in cinematic history. So on this Good Friday, sit back and click through this slideshow of heavenly eye-candy. There are a lot of thin white dudes with light-colored eyes to feast upon here, just as God would have wanted. Hosanna, y’all! 

Jeffrey Hunter, King of Kings (1961)

Max von Sydow, The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965)

Ted Neeley, Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

Robert Powell, Jesus of Nazareth (1977)

Brian Deacon, Jesus (1979)

Chris Sarandon, The Day Christ Died (1980)

Willem Dafoe, The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)

Christian Bale, Mary, Mother of Jesus (1999)

Jeremy Sisto, Jesus (1999)

Jim Caviezel, The Passion of the Christ (2004)
 

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Gene Kelly and Ten Other Dead Dudes We’d Totally Sleep With

My eyes were a little cloudy and heavy this morning when I got into the office, and I knew exactly what would perk me up: Google Image Searching Gene Kelly. Sure, some people would pick coffee, but some people would pick Gene Kelly. Right? That’s a thing that people do? Well, you should, because Gene Kelly was a handsome bro. I think even those who weren’t into dudes who hopped around on his toes and danced the nights away would be into him, because he basically looked like a linebacker who could also pliĆ©. And it got the gears in my brain a-movin’ and a-turnin’, and I started wondering: wouldn’t it be great if time travel were real and I could go back in time to have sex with Gene Kelly?

Look, let’s not get weird about this. You would, too. And you know what? I bet there’s a whole bunch of other now-dead people who were pretty attractive when they were alive. Here’s my list, and feel free to comment below with your own!

1. The Searchers-era Jeffrey Hunter

Sorry that the Comanche killed your parents, Martin, but you’re still hot so it’ll be OK!
 

2. A Streetcar Named Desire-era Marlon Brando

Goddamn those arms. I mean, bless those arms, but also goddamn those arms.

3. Rock Hudson in everything

You know? He might actually be game for this.

4. A Place in the Sun-era Montgomery Clift

This guy would probably be a handful, but there’s something really romantic about having to save someone, right?

5. Paul Newman in everything

THOSE EYES.
 

6. Hamlet-era Laurence Olivier

This one is kind of a wild card, but there’s something creepily sexy about that Aryan dye-job.
 

7. John Cazale in everything

Speaking of creepy! But Meryl Streep slept with him, and that’s a big endorsement as far as I’m concerned.

8. Midnight Express-era Brad Davis

Despite the history of sexual abuse, the drug use, the alcoholism, this guy was kind of a catch!

9. River Phoenix in everything

Duh.

10. Bullitt-era Steve McQueen

Don’t you think he’d treat you like total shit? Sign me up.

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