● The most important newspaper in the world examines the most important phenomenon of the year: Justin Bieber’s haircut and the boys and girls who want it, in different ways. [NYT] ● Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst attempting to differentiate between a comeback (“evolving”) and a reunion (“cashing in”) ultimately means one thing: another chance to hear “Nookie” live. [Vulture] ● Jay Leno associating Conan O’Brien with the Times Square bomber is the only way he can convince young people to watch a clip of his show. [Videogum]
● Watching Katie Holmes do a sexy dance on stage for Tom Cruise is exactly as creepy and uncomfortable as you’d expect it to be. [People] ● If you have that deadbeat brother in the basement, tell him to get to work: a man just pocketed $1 million for pitching a perfect game in a video game. [Gizmodo] ● A regular lack of sleep has been linked to early death, meaning the lazy ones win again. [Independent]
Last Saturday, Jay Leno, walking failure pile in a sadness bowl, was shamefully granted the honor of headlining the 2010 White House Correspondents Dinner. Taking the stage after President Obama burnt through a white-hot set, Mr. Leno proved himself once again to be not up to the task of making people laugh after he read his material from cue cards and delivered obvious, groan-inducing gags that were ripped straight from his late night show. Lucky for us, his set ended up being pretty hilarious after the fact, because Politico has compiled an incredible video that documents Leno (and even more so his writers) staggering lack of comedic fortitude. Check it out after the break.
● What is most likely a Britney Spears demo of the Lady Gaga-penned smash “Telephone” gives us a glimpse into the way things might’ve been. Spoiler: the same. [Gawker] ● This weekend on Barack Obama’s agenda: affair rumors, oil spill, attempted car bombing in Times Square… and jokes about Jay Leno. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States! [Daily Intel] ● A new episode of The Simpsons featured an animated intro set to Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” in its weekly plea for relevance. [TDW]
● Speaking to the paparazzi about whether or not jail would help his daughter Lindsay, Michael Lohan spontaneously combusts, leaving a pile of smelly ash and reporting directly to hell. [TMZ] ● Thirty-seven years after its release, Carly Simon has made a music video for “You’re So Vain.” She blames a fever for the idea; we blame that lackluster Social Security. [Page Six] ● Sadly serious: church-sponsored addiction therapy for women “addicted” to pornographer, or “how to teach shame and blame it on God.” [NYT]
When Sofia Vergara went on The View and made a joke about her 13-year-old self being raped, it was like, who are you and why aren’t we engaged yet? Here was a former model who improbably found fame on an ABC sitcom (the breakout hit Modern Family), and suddenly finds herself on a couch with Barbara and the girls. Even the once-edgy Whoopi Goldberg could barely contain her shock. Vergara was either completely oblivious of who her audience is, or just didn’t care. It was probably both. Last night she made a triumphant talk show return on The Tonight Show, where she chided Gerard Butler for $60 that he owes her, talked openly about her 18-year-old son, and most impressively, galloped over Jay Leno’s horrific interview skills to display genuine charm and wit.
● Golf Digest originally reported that both Barack Obama and Bill Clinton called Tiger Words to offer their support. Now, it seems it was only Clinton and the question remaining is whether Bill made a “hole in one” joke or not. [Politico] ● Jay Leno returned to The Tonight Show and it was hilarious. Or the internet was while he bombed. [Twitter] ● This story of a young writer’s idol worship, email relationship, break up and reconciliation with Roger Ebert is Chicken Soup for the Internet Soul. [Deadspin]
● This week in lazy PR stunts: Real Housewives of Atlanta embarrassment Kim Zolciak is now dating a female DJ, but is still not Lindsay Lohan. [HuffPo] ● Russian-Americans will likely be the next group exploited, laughed at and made rich by a Jersey Shore-style reality show. Meanwhile, the original cast parodies a movie they’ve probably never seen. [NYP/People] ● Johnny Weir took his shirt off for Vanity Fair, but then he splattered paint all over his chest because he’s kooky. [ONTD]
● Super Bowl commercials hate women. [Buzzfeed] ● Meanwhile, Oprah played buffer between Jay Leno and David Letterman for last night’s headline grabbing spot, but Conan O’Brien wins anyway, because this is the internet. [The Wrap] ● Sarah Palin wrote notes on the palm of her hand for a speech at the Tea Party Convention conjuring 4th grade spelling test nightmares for every person in attendance. [The Huffington Post]
● JWoww is planning on enhancing her breast implants, meaning each of her “girls” could, apply for statehood, save a drowning child or get dunked by Lebron James. [Page Six] ● Dear John unseated Avatar as the top movie at the weekend box office, proving that teenage girl tears are eternity’s elixir, while blue aliens are not, in fact, forever. [MTV] ● People in the Philippines are getting killed over karaoke renditions of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” reports a newspaper that is not The Onion. [NYT]
● Historian and activist Howard Zinn died at 87, as if the left wasn’t dead enough already. [Boston Globe] ● An MTA employee brought a wild chicken on the subway where he proceeded to grope it and make everyone uncomfortable. [Gothamist] ● Brittany Murphy’s husband Simon Monjack plans to file a wrongful death suit against Warner Bros., alleging that losing a role in Happy Feet led to her heart attack. And apparently his delusions? [TMZ] ● Something, something Apple iPad… [Just Kidding!]
● Jay Leno seeks to rescue his rep with an appearance on Oprah. [Sun Times] ● Amber Lee Ettinger — or “Obama Girl” from those chesty YouTube video — is so over the president, who she believes should focus “a lot more on jobs and the economy.” Joe Biden’s totally going to give her a call, though. [NYP] ● ABC informed Ugly Betty producers that their show would be canceled to make room for the more easily marketable spin-off, Slutty Betty. [Variety]
Youtube is host to a slew of Hitler parodies. If you’ve not seen them, the recipe is fairly simple: take footage of Adolph (or, rather, Bruno Ganz acting as der Führer in the film Downfall) and replace the original subtitles with comic alternatives. There’s Hitler on paragliding, Hitler on Sarah Palin’s book and even Hitler on the subject of Hitler parodies themselves. But the latest and certainly the funniest to come down the pike in a while has Hitler fulminating about the Conan/Leno dust-up at NBC. Find out whose side he’s partial to after the jump.
Many thanks to Jim Emerson and his always invaluable Scanners Blog for hipping me to this. It’s actually one of two curiosities involving the late-night debate that I’ve come across this morning. The other is an animated piece from Taiwan that features, among other oddities, Conan turning into the incredible Hulk.
● Liberals are about as good at radio as they are at government: Air America is filing for bankruptcy and going off the air. [Washington Post] ● Mischa Barton is being sued for failing to pay her $7,000-a-month Tribeca rent. In her defense, the landlord keeps refusing rolled up hundreds. [HuffPo] ● A scorned lover of Oracle co-president and Obama cohort Charles E. Phillips purchased billboards and a website to publicize the pair’s illicit romance and her brilliant insanity. [Gawker]
● Nic Cage is “deeply honored” by the Nic Cage As Everyone blog. Cherish it, dude, because memes die like highs. [Asylum] ● Jay Leno will host the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner and it won’t be funny, but it will be his because he said so. [The TV Column] ● Drunken red-face, a.k.a. Asian Glow, might be an evolutionary advantage, kind of like math skills and violin only a little different. [Buzzfeed]