Trolling the Oscars: Why None of These Movies Deserve to Win Best Picture

Welcome to the internet, where all of my opinions are right. You know what’s so great about being able to log into a CMS account and self-publish my thoughts and ideas? No matter how I actually feel, everything I write online comes across as completely sincere and competent, even when the things I write are neither of those things! It’s a brave new world we’re living in, when tweets can be art and art can be criticized by any person with an idea for a clever hashtag. Naturally, it’s time to harness this power by showing you exactly why none of the nine nominees for Best Picture deserve to win a goddamn thing. Let’s go!

Amour

Oh, come on. You didn’t see Amour. You know how I know this? Because I didn’t see Amour. I didn’t see this movie because I could just call my grandparents and ask them to speak to me in French for two hours. At least the phone call would be free! And hey, maybe I’d get twenty bucks out of it or somewhere, whereas Amour would cost me at least thirteen dollars and bring with it a lot of emotional anxiety. Anyway, this movie should not win, but I kind of wish it would if only so I can quickly take screenshots of midwestern teenagers tweeting about how they don’t know what Amour is. That’s how blogging works!

Argo

Ugh, Argo. Argofuckyourself, indeed, Argo! The major point about Argo was that Ben Affleck can direct a movie, which comes as a surprise to literally no one because he has already directed two movies that people liked a lot. The other reason Argo was made was so Ben Affleck could take off his shirt in another movie. Oh, and you know another thing that sucked about Argo? The fact that none of the women in Argo were allowed to speak to each other on camera. Sorry, Clea Duvall; you get to be in a Big Motion Picture, but you may only open your mouth when in the presence of Victor Garber. And don’t you dare make eye contact with Ben Affleck! 

Beasts of the Southern Wild

I do love a movie with a precocious child as much as the next guy, but how awkward do you feel about the fact that some white people from New York City went down to New Orleans to make a movie about magical negroes? I’m surprised there weren’t any animated bears and foxes floating along the river, or that those giant titular beasts didn’t burst into "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah." 

Django Unchained

This one is simple: Django Unchained should not win Best Picture because it is not Jackie Brown and Jackie Brown is the only Quentin Tarantino movie that deserves to win Best Picture. 

Les Misérables

A friend of mine described this movie with the following: "It was like in acting classes when one person started crying and then everyone else in class cried harder and louder and uglier." This is one of the few movies in which everyone was dead at the end and I thought, "You know what? I’m OK with this." That is until the ghost of Anne Hathaway showed up again with that chopped-off hair and sad dress, which made me depressed. I really hate that it’s a known fact that your apperance when you die is what you’ll look like in Heaven. Really sucks for people who get run over by trucks, huh? 

Life of Pi

Spoiler alert: Pi is the tiger, and the tiger is Pi, and the eggman is Paul, I think, and maybe we ought to remake Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band but with 3D CGI, but I’m getting distracted. Life of Pi is a cartoon movie for adults who are still making their way through Oprah’s Book Club.

Lincoln

Oh, I’m sorry, is this category called Best Way to Nap? Lincoln was terrible. Remember how fun TV miniseries used to be? They were long, yes, but they were campy as hell, had a lot of awkward sex not normally seen during primetime, and were stuffed with lots of recognizable people who were not really famous but still possessed a certain level celebrity that you’d still be excited if you saw them on the street. Lincoln was just a really expensive TV-miniseries, but without the sex. Or the fun. And with overwritten dialogue by Tony Kushner. I got a screener of Lincoln, and it’s best uses so far have been as a coaster and as a substitute for Ambien.

Silver Linings Playbook

I can’t for the life of me figure out why people love this movie so much. Is it because we’re so desperate to see Ben Stiller act in a dramatic performance that we could substitute in Bradley Cooper and just go with it? Is it because it’s nice to see Julia Stiles back in action? Is it because of Jacki Weaver saying "crabby snacks and homemades?" Is it because of Dancing With the Stars? Is it because As Good as It Gets was too subtle and we needed a subpar version of that to really hone in the idea of what mental illness is? Or is it because everyone is crazy? If everyone is crazy, no one is crazy. 

Zero Dark Thirty

JUST KIDDING! While you were all being emotionally waterboarded by the rest of what Hollywood had to offer, you guys completely missed the fact that this was the best movie of the year. Jessica Chastain! She could act circles around everyone else on this planet, and she wouldn’t be exhausted because she’s, like, a healthy vegan. And you know she’s on track for world domination. GET IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE. it doesn’t even matter if this loses to, say, Argo, because Kathryn Bigelow will have her revenge on all of you. Especially you, Ben Affleck. 

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Check Out a New ‘Stoker’ Featurette and See When It’s Coming to Theaters Near You

In the past few months, we’ve been getting ourselves excited for Park Chan-wook’s sinister drama, Stoker. And with gorgeous stills, haunting trailers, and pieces of the stunning soundtrack already released to entice us, now there’s a new “Characters” three-minute featurette on the film, giving us a taste of the Stoker family—Mia Wasikowska, Nicole Kidman, Matthew Goode, Dermot Mulroney, and Jacki Weaver—who call figure into this dark and sensual thriller. 

We have yet to see an advanced screening of the film but back in January, Variety reported that:

Park’s regular d.p. Chung-hoon Chung appears to be channeling photographer Gregory Crewdson’s eerily high-key Americana in his lighting schemes, while Clint Mansell’s characteristically rich, modernist score is embellished with haunting piano duets composed specifically for the film by Philip Glass. The repeated use of the Lee Hazlewood/Nancy Sinatra number "Summer Wine," meanwhile, is typical of the director’s cockeyed take on American culture. Long may he continue to explore. 

Well! That’s about all I need to hear; I’m in.

The film will be released on March 1st in New York but here’s when and where you can see the film otherwise:

March 1st, 2013
BOSTON, MA
Kendall Square Cinema,
Cambridge,MA

NEW YORK, NY
AMC Lincoln Square 13,
New York, NY

Sunshine Cinemas 5,
New York, NY

TORONTO,
ONVarsity Theatre,
Toronto, ON

LOS ANGELES, CA
The Landmark, Los Angeles, CA
Arclight 15, Hollywood, CA

March 8th, 2013
NEW YORK, NY
AMC Empire 25,
New York, NY

Chelsea Cinemas,
New York, NY

LOS ANGELES, CA
Arclight 16,
Sherman Oaks,
CAUniversity Town Center,
Irvine, CA

March 15th, 2013
ATLANTA, GA
Tara Cinemas,
Atlanta, GA

BOSTON, MA
Embassy 6,
Waltham, MA

BALTIMORE, MD
Charles 5 Theatre,
Baltimore, MD

WASHINGTON, DC
E-Street Cinema,
Washington, DC

DETROIT, MI
Main Art, 
Royal Oak, MI

NEW ORLEANS, LA
Elmwood Palace,
Harahan, LA

Canal Place Theatre,
New Orleans, LA

NEW YORK, NY
Bronxville Triplex,
Bronxville, NY

Manhasset Tri,
Manhasset, NY

Clairidge,
Montclair, NJ

Movies Twin,
Red Bank, NJ

Bethel Cinema,
Bethel, CT

Garden Cinema,
Norwalk, CT

Montgomery Cinemas,
Rocky Hill, NJ

Nitehawk Cinemas,
Brooklyn, NY

Kew Gardens Cinemas,
Kew Gardens, NY

Malverne Cinema,
Malverne, NY

Avon, 
Stamford, CT

BUFFALO, NY
Amherst, Buffalo,  NY

PHILADELPHIA,
PARitz,
Philadelphia, PA

CHARLOTTE, NC
Manor Theatre,
Charlotte, NC

MONTREAL, QC
Cineplex Odeon Forum,
Montreal, QC

CHICAGO, IL
Century Centre Cinema,
Chicago, IL

INDIANAPOLIS, IN
Keystone Art,
Indianapolis, IN

MILWAUKEE,
WIOriental,
Milwaukee, WI

AUSTIN,
TXViolet Crown Cinema,
Austin, TX

Arbor Cinemas,
Austin, TX

DALLAS, TX
Cinemark’s,
Plano, TXA

Angelika Film Center,
Dallas, TX

HOUSTON, TX
River Oaks, Houston, TX

MINNEAPOLIS, MN
Uptown, Minneapolis, MN

ST. LOUIS, MO
Tivoli,
St. Louis, MO

LOS ANGELES, CA
Burbank, Burbank, CA

Rancho Niguel,
Laguna Niguel, CA

Claremont,
Claremont, CA

Laemmle’s,
North Hollywood, CA

Fallbrook,
West Hills, CA

Arclight,
El Segundo, CA

Brea Stadium,
Brea, CA

UA Marketplace,
Long Beach, CA

Westlake Village Twin,
Westlake Village, CA

PALM SPRINGS, CA
Cinemas Palme D’or,
Palm Desert, CA

SAN DIEGO, CA
Hillcrest,
San Diego, CA

SANTA BARBARA, CA
Paseo Nuevo,
Santa Barbara, CA

DENVER, CO
Mayan,
Denver, CO

PHOENIX, AZ
Camelview,
Scottsdale, AZ

SEATTLE, WA
Lincoln Square,
Bellevue, WA

Meridian,
Seattle, WA

Sundance’s, 
Seattle, WA

MONTEREY, CA
Del Mar,
Santa Cruz, CA

PORTLAND, OR
Fox Tower,
Portland, OR

SAN FRANCISCO, CA
Metreon,
San Francisco, CA

Palo Alto Twin,
Palo Alto, CA

Century’s,
Pleasant Hill, CA

Santana Row,
San Jose, CA

Regency,
San Rafael, CA

California 3 Art Theatre,
Berkeley, CA

Oscar Deathmatch: Pitting the Casts of ‘Reds’ and ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ Against Each Other

Silver Linings Playbook is slowly edging its way closer and closer to grabbing up some Oscars, and the feel-good film about feeling weird has an aggressive campaign, courtesy of those schemin’ Weinsteins, bent on stealing those trophies away from Daniel Day-Lewis, Jessica Chastain, Tommy Lee Jones, and Anne Hathaway. While it’s unlikely that the entire cast of Silver Linings Playbook will get to walk on stage at the end of February to collect their golden statues (although Jennifer Lawrence’s recent SAG win increases her chances), the film is notable for being the first in 31 years to get nominations in all four acting categories. The other film, of course, was Reds, Warren Beatty’s epic drama about the Russian Revolution. 

Here’s my question: can you really expect the cast of Silver Linings Playbook, a movie about feeeeelings, to go head-to-head with the heavyweights in Reds, a movie about political activism and the endurance of love amid historical revolution? No, you cannot! The cast of Reds would not only drink the cast of Silver Linings Playbook under the table, but I’m willing to bet they could easily knock them off faster than you can sing "Ho Hey." 

But let’s not stop there! Let’s take a look at what each of these eight actors have to offer, shall we?

Warren Beatty vs. Bradley Cooper

Warren Beatty is like, "Who?" Sorry, but Beatty is too busy resting because he’s super exhausted from fucking literally everything in Hollywood. Sure, he’s settled down now with Annette Bening, but his real life made both The Hangover and The Hangover Part II look like The Sandlot. What does Bradley Cooper bring the table? Sure, he can act like a obsessive-compulsive manic-depressive (let’s not forget that Jack Nicholson set the standard back in As Good As It Gets, by the way), and apparently he can tango or something. But can he do all that while writing, producing, and directing a movie—about the Russian Revolution? That clocks in at over three hours? And features documentary-style interviews with the likes of Henry Miller? Cool it, B-Coop. We’ll call you when we re-make Shampoo.

Diane Keaton vs. Jennifer Lawrence

Ohhhh, brother. Diane Keaton has more wacky charm in her pinky than the 22-year-old it-girl has in her entire body. But nevermind the off-screen abilities of these two; let’s talk about their roles in these two movies. Lawrence plays a woman who acts out after the death of her husband by screwing everything in sight, jogging next to a man who wears a plastic bag as a shirt, layering her face with eye-liner, and ballroom dancing. Keaton’s character, on the other hand, falls in love with poet and activist John Reed and alcoholic playwright Eugene O’Neill. The gal from Silver Linings learns to dance, whereas Keaton’s Louise Bryant is present when the course of history is changed forever. Way to put your stamps on the world! 

Jack Nicholson vs. Robert De Niro

This seems like the ultimate match-up, although it’s a bit unfair to put a 44-year-old Jack Nicholson against 69-year-old Robert De Niro. But it must happen, because everyone’s losing their minds over Robert De Niro crying and watching football. Meanwhile, in Reds, Nicholson was busy boning Diane Keaton and writing a Pulitzer Prize-winning play. No biggie. 

Maureen Stapleton vs. Jacki Weaver

Maureen Stapleton won an Oscar for her portrayal of radical feminist activist Emma Goldman. Jacki Weaver got an Oscar nomination for saying "crabby snacks and homemades" twice (and also because they just needed some nominees because we all know that Anne Hathaway is going to get that thing). This seems like an incredibly even match, right? I’d just like to see Maureen Stapleton’s Emma Goldman clomp around modern-day Philadelphia teaching these people what real suffering is like. Get me on the phone with David O. Russell: I’ve got a great idea for his next dramedy.

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