If I’ve ever spoken with you about film, I may have divulged this incredible talent I have: the ability to tell if a movie will suck simply by watching the trailer. I didn’t always think my capacity for avoiding cinematic turkeys was so special, but that was before Facebook made it normal to say things like “Why didn’t anybody warn me how terrible The Hobbit is? There goes three hours of my life!”
Buddy, that’s your amygdala’s job. The part of your brain associated with emotional learning and memory modulation—the part that should have been screaming, “OF COURSE IT’S TERRIBLE, IT’S A GODDAMN COMPUTER-GENERATED PREQUEL ADAPTATION OF THE FIRST THIRD OF A CHILDREN’S BOOK.” Could you have honestly expected anything even vaguely entertaining? The mind reels.
This is just like that time I bet my friend that the Watchmen movie would be unwatchable. When he lost that bet, he went double or nothing on Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and I think we all know how that went. (Wait a minute—now that I think of it, there totally wasn’t a kingdom in that?) Point is, you should only be shelling out $14 to see this garbage if there’s a good chance a friend will have to buy your ticket to pay off a wager. Otherwise, please confine your unjustified indignation to IMDb message boards.
As an idiot millennial twentysomething, I cannot legally blog for a week without mentioning that I love the hell out of some 1990s. Take for example these Archers of Loaf reissues—totally rad. I haven’t gotten around to the original versions of these albums, though, because I’m still working through the early stuff. Someday!
I mainly love the ‘90s because I was ten years old back then. Not for the whole decade, but I’m pretty sure I was ten somewhere in there. With a mushroom cut. Also Bugle Boy sweatsuits. In a few different color patterns.
My parents didn’t let me watch a lot of TV, but I can tell you there were great shows on back then. Easily the best was Legends of the Hidden Temple, which was like if GUTS were about Indiana Jones instead of getting pelted with Nerf balls. (Oh yeah, Nerf!) My favorite episode of Hidden Temple was the one with the giant talking stone head. And, if you absolutely forced me to choose, my favorite episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? has to be the one with the campfire.
Hey, come back: I remember some other stuff about the ‘90s. Like how the police were caught on video beating up O. J. Simpson. The Yankees were unbelievably good the whole time. Nothing was cooler than yo-yos.
Yesterday a list went up on Ranker touting “The 7 Most Annoying Kids in Action Movie History,” and I was not, in the main, surprised by the choices. Edward Furlong in Terminator 2, Jake Lloyd in Star Wars Episode I, and Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds are all deserving of fan contempt. But there’s one name on the list that I cannot get behind, not at all.
I’m speaking of Jonathan Ke Quan, he of Short Round fame in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (“Feels like I step on fortune cookie!”). Ranker put him at number three on their list, but I maintain that the kid’s fucking great. Moreover, he has an almost unblemished, if abbreviated, record as a child actor: he did Temple and The Goonies and then effectively disappeared from the big screen. Today he works as a stunt coordinator, which is perhaps another reason not to bad mouth him.
You’ve seen Harrison Ford outrun boulders, dodge incoming harpoons, and leapfrog between careening jeeps. But when it comes to paying tribute to someone in a taped segment? Not a chance. So this weekend, while the rest of the world watches Harrison Ford whip it good one more time, you can watch him stumble and mumble his way through an attempt to pay tribute to who we’re assuming is Lucille Ball. Is he stoned?