There Is No Band Called the Chelsea Clintons

Man, I sure miss the days when music festivals were about the music, man! Back before they were just an excuse for overprivileged, overgrown manchildren to frolic in mud, have anonymous tent sex, take lots of hallucinogens and wear clothing items appropriating indigenous American cultures. Remember Woodstock? We need to go back to that aesthetic. That was totally, completely, 100% about the music. Maybe not, but there’s still something gratifying about watching wannabe-cool kids fall on their faces, hence, this video.

Making fun of teenagers because they haven’t heard of ["Important" Cultural Entity] is tired and lazy and dumb and how many Twitter-screencap compilations do we really need of that come on get a new shtick, but making fun of them for pretending to know things they clearly have no idea about in an effort to seem in-the-know is actually still pretty funny, turns out. Jimmy Kimmel, he of convincing parents to prank their children and say they ate all their Halloween candy, brought a team out to Coachella to interview particularly obnoxious-seeming festivalgoers about their excitement over fake bands. The interviewees gushed over The Chelsea Clintons, Dr. Schlomo and the G.I. Clinic and Get The Fuck Out of My Pool. But the best, and most essential, is obviously a takedown of some skinny white dude in a Native American war bonnet. "Coachella," as it turns out, "is Native American for ‘Dumb White Guy.’" Makes sense. Watch.

14 Things About The Style Section’s Article On Hipsters In The Suburbs That Make Me Want To Die

Even hipsters and their trust funds are getting priced out of Brooklyn, leading to a mass exodus that’s been covered by the New York Times‘ crack Sunday Styles section team. But our "good riddance!" is someone else’s "what the fuck is that facial hair about?" and these newly confused victims are our suburban neighbors. Sorry, Westchester!  And you thought the high tax rate was the worst thing you had to deal with. After the jump, the 14 most WTF items in the NY Times‘ piece about "Hipsturbia."

 

 

One: First of all, Hipsturbia?!?

Two: Dutch-style bikes. Edibile nasturtiums. Nomadic beekpers in Sicily. An illusion to "put a bird on it." Yes, we’re still on the second paragraph.

Three: The woman who opened a shop in Dobbs Ferry selling artinsinal vegan soaps.

Four: Patrick McNeil, who is "one half of the lauded street-art duo Faile," wears his hair in a top-bun, and named his children Denim and Bowie.

Five: The town of Hastings-on-Hudson appealed to McNeil’s wife because she saw women with their tattoos out.

Six: Concern that "a certain idea of Brooklyn has died."  Equal concern that "they no longer fit into it.

Seven: This quote by Ari Wallach, a "futurism consultant," comparing the waning days of Brooklyn to Burning Man: "There is more looking down, less eye contact … The difference is between the first three days of Burning Man, when everyone is ‘Hey, what’s up?’ to the final three days of Burning Man, when the tent flaps are down. Brooklyn is turning out to be the last three days of Burning Man.”

Eight: Wallach approvingly refers to Hastings-on-Hudson as a village, quote, "in a Wittgensteinian sort of way.

Nine: Subarus good, Lexuses bad. ("Four legs good, two legs better!")

Ten: Apparently having something called a Fernet Branca cocktail on your menu means "this place gets it.

Eleven: The home goods store that sells felted-wool gazelle heads.

Twelve: The woman who identifies her age only as "early 40s.

Thirteen: Eating something called a "salmon boudin hot dog" is given as an example of earthy living, AKA "Back To The Land Lite.

Fourteen: The woman who refuses to give up her Brooklyn telephone number.

But the Sunday Styles can’t answer this: with these people safely tucked away in the suburbs, why does New York City still feel so douchey?

Contact the author of this post at Jessica.Wakeman@Gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter.

The Top NYC Bars To Hook Up With Hipsters

How does it feel to tear off someone’s skin-tight lycra shorts and mismatched striped socks? Are coffee-guzzling, liberal arts majors better at talking dirty? What’s a hipster’s morning-after go-to spot ? If you cannot answer any of the above questions, it’s time you consult our list of the Top NYC Bars To Hook Up With Hipsters. This is a species that travels in packs, and where there’s one, there’s many. We are confident you will find lots of single, attractive, and nimble hipsters here.

Follow Bonnie on Twitter here.

Video PSA: Adopt a Hipster Today

Here’s a sort of funny video about hipsters. The conceit is that it mirrors those PSAs about supporting third world children in faraway lands, except you’re helping hipsters whose parents’ credit cards have maxed out: “600 hipsters were given additional support last year.” It works if you can ignore the fact that it’s the same hackneyed recycled jokes about hipsters not having jobs that we’ve been hearing for years and years. And that it’s totally trying harder than hipsters would ever deign to try.

Minimum donation is $500. By supporting hipsters, you can also support coke dealers! Call 1-800-HIP-STER, except don’t, because according to Gothamist, that number connects you to a phone sex line.

Behind the Music of the Indie Hipster “Single Ladies”

This should’ve been expected: Beyoncé and Jay-Z get seen at a Grizzly Bear show and supposedly hang out on the DL in Williamsburg all the time. So when were hipsters going dive head-first into the culture of Beyoncé and Jay-Z? With this video of two very white people doing a very white cover of “All The Single Ladies.” Can we discuss?

If you spend too much time on the internet, you’re probably already seen this. But, okay, fine: you’re not the only one. The ever-indispensable satirist of our time, Hipster Runoff, has seen it:

Kinda wanna throw down a bedroom studio jam and make a yewtube video 4 it. Sorta wish I could be reborn as a girl so that I could have the opportunity to express myself with music. I think I would start by taking piano lessons at a young age, then possibly learn the guitar. I would try my best to have a ‘good voice’, but eventually I would want more than a ‘good voice’ — I would want to have a humble, approachable voice that could fill up coffee shops and let the world know that I am a female artist worth taking seriously.

And on the other end of the spectrum, Ashton Kutcher:

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Who are they? What else are they doing? What do they want from R & B? This is a dangerous rabbit hole to go down, so bear with me: this video is from a project from a girlfriend-boyfriend couple who go by the name of Pomplamoose. They’ve done a bunch of covers, and also have solo projects. Her name’s Nataly Dawn, and here’s a video of her singing in French. Aside from all the requisite Indie-gurrl staples (Cropped hair! A video blog! Talking to her cat! Talking about having a cold!), it’s quite nice.

Nataly’s mans with the extreme white-guy-slapping-bass-face is this Jack Conte fellow. It’s not exactly my dig, but it’s not bad. The question about these two and their video, though: is it a hit because it’s a twee cover of “Single Ladies”? Or is it a hit because they’re showing the broken down process of recording the cover instrument by instrument?

Well, whatever, they’re still doing it with a cover of “September,” featuring a hand-puppet attached to a kick-drum. I enjoyed this one more than the “Single Ladies” video because I’m the only person on the planet that doesn’t like that song. I have my reasons.

Conte should spend more time on the piano, they should write songs that don’t revolve around videos, and they should throw some blips in there for good measure. If they take the twee down from 14 to, like, 7, even 7.5, and stop reinforcing hipster stereotypes worse than an Urban Outfitters catalog, we could be seeing the beginning of a little pop force emerge. Matt and Kim, watch your back.